My mother passed away two years ago. Have you taken the chance to say good bye to your mother in a way that was good for you and her? Were there any precautions your mother did arrange? My mom luckily saved some money for her funeral and the rest was given by us children to prepare a dignified funeral and an after gathering. Your loss is still young, so you I'd like to give you my condolence.

You seem to be full of pain and that makes you agitated towards the world and how you perceive it. Do you have friends and family (you mention relatives/siblings) to whom you can exchange memories and talk about your mom? I felt very vulnerable at that time and had both, very sincere and good encounters as well as difficult and painful ones.

Your loss almost went under in the whole context of this text. I wonder why you just mentioned it so that it appeared as a side note. Death is something important. You are right in not committing suicide as this indeed would put a hole lot of burden on the ones you are connected with.