RE: Should we punish our children?
Certainly a well thought out article and I do agree with a lot of it. Still, as someone who grew up in the 50's, I have a different opinion on physical punishment than you do. My father was known to spank on occasion and I think he was right to do so.
Yes, teaching about consequences for actions is important, but the physical aspect of that is way over simplified. What needs to be conveyed is that "hitting in anger" is wrong and no one should ever strike a child in anger, ever. Still, in rare and measured circumstances, a little physical intervention can be useful and beneficial.
Many years ago, there was a situation where a girlfriend was visiting with her kids. The little boy started eyeing a glass figurine on a table and started reaching for it. I told him "No" and that he would get his hand slapped if he grabbed for it. He did and I did. Then I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him and didn't ever want to have to hurt him. I told him that he knew what would happen and that he had to understand that, if I told him something, I meant it. All in all, he ended up knowing he could trust that I would live up to whatever I said to him, promises as well as consequences. That even extended to his sister who had just been an observer. She had a moment right after this that she glanced at the figurine just to test me. I just looked at her and told her, "don't, you know what will happen". She took a look at me and went to do something else.
Kids need consequences that are unpleasant enough to be deterrents. They need to understand that you love them and that any consequences are directly related to what they did and not your angry reaction to what they did. Whatever you do, they need to see it as being fair and part of your job to teach them about rules and consequences.
If a child understands rules and consequences, as well as that the consequence will be quite unpleasant, they will behave in a way that makes punishment rarely needed. When you give a child a 'punishment' that they think 'isn't all that bad', they may decide that they want the "forbidden thing" more than they don't want the "punishment". It may seem like a good trade-off. It's a complicated situation that's a little bit different for every parent-child situation.
Thank you for your comment. Physical punishment is very effective on the short term. Children stop a behavior because of the fear of receiving painful consequences. On the long term however, this isn't sustainable, as children don't learn to behave a certain way for the right reason, but because of fear.
When we apply a punishment we let the child know that we don't trust that they can learn another way, we don't trust their judgment. Therefore they have no reason to work towards proving themselves.
Children should grow to want to be 'good'. And this should be rooted from the close relationship they have with their parents and the desire to not disappoint them. The more we punish our children, the more this desire diminishes; instead, they grow a will to 'fight back'.
Don't mind if I jump in here between @escapefromoz and @corina.
I can see your point as a parent @corina, and as an adult in social situations @escapefromoz. I think we can take greater notice of the root of the behaviour and yes, there can be natural consequences which they will have the opportunity to learn about.
However I do agree with @escapefromoz to some extent. The sad thing is, in an education setting where there are tasks, targets and activities to be done, a misbehaved child in a group becomes a whole different class of crowd control. I have had the "pleasure" of some young ones with diverse parenting backgrounds. Some were special needs too. No doubt the situation I found myself in with limited time, lots to cover and a range of kids was not the best. But what I personally felt was we needed to set some rules of engagement, boundaries and expactations - and when these aren't met - the consequences are timeouts. Sure - it doesn't resolve the root - but I feel the time to address that should be separate - and it should ideally involve the parent, who can then follow up on the behavioural pattern at home.
If all parents took the time at home to help children figure out how to regulate their emotions and behaviour, half the battle would already be won at school. Sadly, what I personally see here in Kuala Lumpur is a city of exhausted working parents who have very little emotional energy left to parent. Even in my best efforts to create an engaging learning environment - I am constantly having to redirect so much of my time and energy into crowd control, by the end of which sometimes i even lose track of my sentence at mid point. :) LOL
I guess what my personal feel is - there is unfortunately a lot of room created for punishment as the most effective learning experience given a time sensitive action, response or preventive act - for various reasons. I'm not FOR punishment, but I don't think we should altogether view it as a failure as a parent, educator or social interactor. It is a form of learning at the end of the day. Some lessons are kind, some not so much and just as soon as they can interact with the world - the better it is for them to realise there are many types of consequences - not just punishment, but a variety of learning opportunities.
Thank you for your comment. I can see exactly where you're coming from and you are right. Sometimes time-out is necessary to defuse the situation and to help children calm down. With parents, I usually suggest time-in, where the parent helps the child to process the emotions and calm down. Obviously, this isn't always possible as most children are spending a lot of time away from their primary care-givers. Just like you said, action should be taken by the parents as soon as possible.
Yes, exactly. And the parent/caregiver and educator relationship can be a great partnership too. For example if the child is given a time-out in school, the parent can actually then discuss this at home. I don't think there is any point in continuously hand slapping a behaviour without actually addressing the root.
As the saying goes - teamwork makes the dream work. Hope there can be more partnerships - after all, it really does take a village to raise a child.