How I faced my demons and fought back!

in #life7 years ago (edited)

I freaked out! It was the scene from the Doctor Strange movie where Benedict Cumberbatch’s character discovers that his hands are permanently impaired. The fine motor control in his hands required to be a neurosurgeon are lost forever. I looked at my right hand; being unable to move my fingers had left me feeling terrified!


Source: Pixabay

During the first month of my hospitalisation I had the biggest smile in the face of a disaster. I was unnerved by the accident and kept a positive outlook towards recovering fully. But, watching that scene in the movie, and being unable to move my fingers normally caused my strength to quickly fade away.

However, the loss of motor control wasn’t the only cause for my fear. I was afraid that this injury occurred at a very critical time in my life-when I was experiencing several positive changes. In that brief moment it seemed as if the accident was a massive, irrecoverable setback to all my plans.

The first few seconds shows my left hand working normally. The middle displays the problematic right hand and the last portion shows how a custom fabricated dynamic splint pulls up the fingers to facilitate movement.

Before I continue any further I want to thank you for your attention as I narrate a personal incident!

Steemians who personally know me will attest to the fact that I am very optimistic. No matter how difficult a situation, I’ve always faced it head-on!

I met with an horrific accident on the 9th of February and broke my right leg. I fractured my femur, fibula and shattered my tibia. In addition to some torn muscles there was also a minor hip fracture and a severe nerve damage in my right arm. No matter how hard I concentrate, I simply cannot move them!

The old saying that, “An idle mind is a devil’s workshop” is true!

For several days after I had watched Doctor Strange, I continued to feel that life had let me down. Days passed, and even as I slowly managed to get back on my feet I was weighed down by negative thoughts. I imagined my motorcycle crash through day and night for a month! Waking up several times to these recurring nightmares of the exact moment I got hit!

My right hand is the dominant one and I’m unable to write properly, type or even hold the computer mouse well enough to use it. Breaking food with my fingers or eat with my hand is difficult. I cannot sign cheques well enough to withdraw money from my own bank accounts! But, the worst of them all was the stark realization that I cannot ride motorcycles which requires fine motor control with surgical precision, and this broke my heart.

It was the worst of them all and caused me great mental agony! I woke up everyday scared of losing my passion for motorcycling. Motoring across the country, experiencing and enjoying motorcycles and cars has been a way of life. The life lessons these activities taught me helped shape me into the person that I am today. More importantly, motoring gave me purpose!

What was I going to do now?

I had just turned 29 and is it time to hang my riding boots already? What was I going to do if I cannot experience the things I love the most anymore! These are tough questions that I faced everyday!

I had analyzed every part of my accident countless times. Despite being fully aware that a careless rider crashed into me at a great speed, and there was nothing that I could have done to prevent this, except never having stepped out of my house to begin with! I continued to put myself through self-blame, guilt and regret!

If there was any chance my nerve could recover on its own, then there would have been some noticeable improvement within 6-8 weeks of the accident. But there was no improvement and instead I was continuing to experience a progressively escalating pain from my elbow to my wrist.

Learning to play an electric guitar was on my bucket list since my teenage years. 10 days prior to the crash I gave myself an advance birthday gift; a brand new Yamaha Pacifica-012 beginner’s electric guitar paired to a Fender Mustang I v2 and was teaching myself to play it. I could play it very little after the crash and yet it helped uplift my mood.

As fate would have it I had to stop this as well as I couldn't strum the strings anymore without considerable pain and discomfort! Neither was I able to strum it fast enough.


It was April, nearly two months had passed. I was happy when I was visiting any friends but felt a little depressed in my moments of solitude. This momentarily had a paralyzing effect on my life.

Despite being fully geared from head-to-toe in high quality motorcycle gear, a blunt impact in the accident caused a massive damage to the radial nerve that controls the wrist and fingers. The jacket’s elbow armour prevented a fracture while my top-of-the-line motorcycle adventure boots prevented open fractures and my leg from severing off in the impact!

My gear was nearly destroyed but served it's purpose!

After two weeks of consultations with multiple doctors and surgeons, blood-work, MRIs, neurology and ultrasound tests, I was going in for another surgery. Luckily, my plastic surgeon, Dr. Dinesh Kadam happens to be one of the top surgeons in my part of the country and we explored the possibility of opening up the area for an investigation, possible repair and/or a nerve graft.

My surgeon cut a portion of the healthy nerve from near my right ankle, about an inch or so to replace the damaged portion in my arm.

After 3 weeks of wearing a cast, I’m able to start moving my arm again. Although, there is no immediate improvement, yet I remain hopeful. I have to wait a minimum of 5-6 months before we expect to start seeing any positive results. But nothing guaranteed! Now, I have this weird numbness and burning sensation near my ankle but I can live with this if it means my arm can recover and I can use my fingers again.


A few temporary piercings.

Sometimes, one can only hope for the best!


Back at the hospital, I was still reeling under the effects of the general anesthesia and pain medications when I was shifted back to my room. I had access to my phone once again and began updating my friends on a successful surgery.


Post surgery scar isn’t too bad

It was then I read a simple quote, shared by a friend and authored by Paulo Coelho, who said and I quote:

Close some doors, not because of incapability, arrogance or pride but simply because they no longer lead where you want to go.

This had a profound effect on me as it struck me that there’s a lot that I could still do.

It was a moment of realization, somewhat of an awakening that struck me hard and it resounded deep within me! I wasn’t devoured by any menacing, negative thoughts anymore! Upon further introspection I realized that I was being unnecessarily, extremely self critical because I had almost given up on being patient with my situation and myself and the fact that nothing has changed in 2 months had me frustrated! All the while, I had chosen to ignore all the positive things in my life.


I’ve made a slight mod and added thicker and stronger bands to the splint

The fact was that I kept my chin up and pushed myself through physiotherapy to be able to walk again. I was also off the pain medications sooner than most people owing to a better tolerance towards pain.

Despite the hospitalisation, I have no major liabilities. I had my family and friends all around me including many amazing people that I met and interacted through Steemit who kept in touch and regularly checked-in on my health. I love the community that we have created here!

A while ago I had a long chat with a very dear friend, “Sharad Sharma.” We celebrated his 50th birthday not too long ago. He’s an Indian news media industry veteran now enjoying his life to the fullest. We ran a motorcycle guided tours company until I relocated back to my hometown. He’s also a fellow biker and someone I look upto and always has some sagely life advice for me!

Knowing my history, he reminded me of all the good things I’ve done for myself, my family and others around me! How I should give myself some credit for the way I have faced every tough situation in my life. My approach has always been right and I was reminded that I needed to believe in myself. More than ever before! This made me take a hard look at my situation and how I needed to look at it differently. I felt that soon I’ll have my head on my shoulders again!

Soon after that one day I was chatting with @aishwarya and she asked me what are all the good things that that has happened to you during these months and make a list and you’ll know that it's not always that bad. I did that as we spoke and realized the following:

Sure, I might not be able to ride motorcycles today, but this can change! With my dynamic splint I can drive absolutely perfectly. Today, I’m limping when I walk but come tomorrow I will be running once again-quite literally!

Cliched as it may sound, these situations in your life wakes you up to the tiny fact: when you push your mind to be positive that you can push yourself beyond any self-imposed limitation in your life.

Today, I can still do 99% of things I wanted to. I am alive and healthy. This incident brought me closer to many of my friends, separating the real from the fake and as you can tell, I can go on. There are plenty of positive things happening in my life today!


@aishwarya sent me this beautiful gift that she painted with my quote. I had once shared it as my status on Whatsapp and it goes like this:“Travel the world, meet you new people, share stories and experience all this world has to offer you.” This is exactly what I've done and will continue doing till I kick the bucket for good! She told me once that it inspired her and now it has inspired me back!

Considering the fact that my accident occurred in the middle of a forest area 240kms and many hours away from my hometown and it’s excellent medical care, I’m lucky to have another chance at this life again! Nothing is lost and there’s so much I will accomplish in the years to come! My motorcycle is being repaired, someday I will ride it again!

@sjennon sent me this engraved guitar pick on my birthday all the way from Berlin. I look at it everyday as it’s on my desk and remember the good ol’ times. I am thrilled to have friends all over who remember me!

It wasn’t until I read a post by a friend @things, “Philosophy things: The Unspoken.” that I started working on this post. She writes and I quote:

Escaping your truth is the worst thing you do to yourself. So I want you to look into the eye of that mental torpedo with fierce determination.

To me, these were very powerful words that completely changed the way I looked at my situation.

You know, a free soul is like a life-full seed, it goes where the wind takes it, seeing the world, being at peace! Enjoying even the harsh strokes of nature, and when the rain and storm bring it down to the ground to bury it, it rises from the ground with the rise of that sun with a new resolution, new form, new ambition and a new hope! — @things

Another instance that motivated me to share my experience was an article, “How Can You Rise, If You Have Not Burned? The Theme of Rebirth” authored by our beloved @mammasitta and it made me feel that If I could share my experience maybe someday I go through a difficult situation again then this will serve as a reminder to me that I can find the strength within me to overcome struggles.


One of those days when I managed to get out of the house

I started off writing this with the thought process of, ‘what it's like to give up on things you love’ but now I don’t feel that way anymore!

I suppose, it's only natural that we feel down and depressed when we go through the hardest situations in our life. It's just a normal reaction to these difficult circumstances. I think if you are someone who is driven by passion, self motivation, a burning desire to succeed despite any struggle, it is easier to bring ourselves out of these difficult situations. If you are unable to, then seek help of your friends and family or a professional.

It's important not to linger with your negative thoughts for too long. You don't realize of the dangers that you expose yourself in doing so. Only when we assess our situation without any kind of bias, delusions or pride can we hope to get over our struggles. Today, I’ve made the decision to live life to the fullest once again. There’s nothing better than being happy doing the things you can do.


I've waited over three months to voice these thoughts down to text and I feel like a burden has been lifted! I'm certain many of you might have faced similar situations in your life and have overcome the obstacles in your path.

My hand is still in the same condition as in the video but I'm confident that I will still make it in life!

Perhaps you can share with me how you handled your most difficult, life changing situations? Did these choices shape your life for better or worse in ways that you never expected it would? I would love to hear your story in the comments if you can share it with me.

If you are tired rest, do not give up. -Banksy

Rest my mind I did and now I’m back for good!

Any time I connect with @liberosist on a call he’s always encouraging me to, ’Make a post and share my stories!’ I suppose that’s the best thing I could do for myself.

I hope that this post helps anyone going through a similarly difficult phase in their lives!

Thank you for reading!


If you like my work, please share my posts and follow my blog to support me.


Follow Me: @firepower

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You are an extremely valuable member of this community. I can't thank you enough for how much you have helped countless others here. It was frightening to hear that you had been in an accident and I am glad you were able to provide some of us with small updates along the way (typing with your left hand!).

I'm glad you have made such progress in recovering so far. It takes a lot of courage and perseverance. And every week has probably felt like a month to you. Can't wait to have you back full strength!

I was going to type up a comment, but couldn't have said it better myself :)

agreed!

@donkeypong Tom! I'm truly humbled by your words! It feels great to be of help to others here and I really appreciate the kind words you have for me. Your encouragement has always motivated to go one step ahead and give that bit extra into everything that I do. The last few weeks were tough but as I slowly got back onto Steemit, life started getting better and better! Thank you for being there and for your kindness! :)

It's really true, he didn't even know me so well when he already helped a beginning writer like myself. In a few moments of meeting him, he went from a stranger to a good friend, great infact! Considering how strong he has been throughout!

We were always meant to be friends @things! Maathe pe likha, dharthi ne chuna hai, aasman bhi cheekha hai yeh meri jaan! haha! ;)

Blushing like a mofo here.

I remember that I asked you something over WhatsApp and you didn't respond. It was only after a day or two when I realized you never replied to which I sent you another message on the 12th of February:

What is this attitude?

Because someone must have a great attitude to not reply to my amazing texts. It was only the day after that I read your Facebook post about your accident and I froze. You texted me though:

Show me some love girl

Even though you were wrecked, you still managed to come up with a funny sentence to start the conversation with.

Throughout your hospital adventures, we were talking most of the days, I asked about your progress, you sent me horrific pictures back without warning which made @things scream - and then we both would laugh. You always made jokes, which aways lightened the mood. And I fired them back at you. You told me about the funny visual of your feet dangling as you were lifted in the car, or sent me pictures of your sexy shaved man leg. In return, I sent you pictures of me in kurti and my experimental indian food.

I definitely hope I helped you make time go a little faster as you were passing days in the hospital bed.

I carefully chose to send you the guitar pick. I asked you if you were able to play still, to which you said it was possible. For some reason, I specifically wanted to send you this. I know I wanted something personalized. Something cool! Maybe it was because it was damn pretty and I never knew how to play guitar myself (and honestly too lazy to try it out), but maybe it was also because this tiny piece of wood could give you the motivation to be able to use it properly as you could before.

Up to this day, we still talk on a regular basis and I am happy we still do. We crack jokes about TittyCoins, I ask stupid questions about Steemit and what not.

I met you at SteemFest, actually I met you before online on Facebook and introduced me to Steemit for which I can't thank you enough. I am happy we met, because I got myself a friend who I know I can count on.

FIREPOWAAA

I heart you @sjennon! Looking but it seems like a great adventure. I remember chatting with you every time I was in and out of sleep. You know as I was hospitalized I had a great time making everybody laugh. We had some epic conversations about everything under the sun. But I think titty coins was the best one! ;)

I think I'm really lucky or perhaps well deserving to have made some great friends in this life! You are certainly are among them. I look forward to seeing you so we can hang out!

Your gift was perfect! It reminds me of our friendship. That's everything to me! I don't think a day goes without us talking shit and that's just perfect! I wouldn't want anything less in my life. Sometimes I wish I had all my friends in my city but then life wouldn't have been half as fun as it is when I get to travel the world to meet them!

Life is long and short at the same time. The future is uncertain so it feels great being able to look back and see how far we've come in our lives and relationships. Having a great set of friends makes this life absolutely incredible and I'm thrilled to have you in my life!

I love this story!!

I am happy I met both of you crazy monkeys 🐒 in person 💕

Me too! Make sure you're present at the photo rampage <3 We have no pictures!

I am wondering if the next @steemfest is also in Amsterdam? Does anybody know?

No idea. We are still waiting for the big announcement of @roelandp!

Once again you have done it! I know a lot of things changed after that accident but thankfully some of the most important ones didn't! You still have that gorgeous smile, you still are able to laugh when you scared me a million times with your weird leg piercings and other stitches, you still were able to draw courage and be positive enough to write about this incident. You're still funny as hell, you have as your name says the 'fire-power' in you. It gives me so much joy that some of my words got through to you in ways that you really needed. When you'll make your will strong enough, which I think you have today, it'll surpass all your bodily limitations and you'll be able to do things that you feared you never will again. I'm sure of it. And I'm beyond proud right now and almost teary. I'm so freakin inspired, when I was going through my sickness my father told me, "don't be scared that your body will give out, your body will go as far as your will does!" And from that moment on I held on tight and I never forgot to smile and crack jokes. But then you already do that!
You have all of our love ❤️
Thanks for sharing this today.

Your father is right and I learnt that early on with my crashes but this was the worst ever. Being able to keep calm in the face of adversity is what makes or breaks us! Thank you so much for inspiring me to do this! Every time I read your writing I go into this happy zone and I don't know what to say! I'm so freakin happy to read this! I mean this is could be the greatest testimonial ever! Haha! I'm so glad we met! It was destiny! Piya tuuuuu Ab toh aaja... Lol!

Hahahahahahah, I'm so happy my words have helped you. Monicaaaaaa oh my darlingggg!

Hey Firepower, I'm so happy that you are on the mend bro, both mentally and physically, and able to share your story finally.

I really do empathise; such life impacting events can lead you into the darkest corners of inner turmoil. It shows real strength in character that you have pulled yourself through, and are now inspiring others, myself included, who have been fighting similar battles.

It's heartening to hear your story of recovery, and whilst I appreciate that It's still early days for you, I'm sure that you'll be back, stronger than ever, before too long. One love bro.

Bike Guitar.jpg

Yogi! Broo!!!! Thank you! That motorcycle image was a great idea bro. Made me really happy! I know we've both been through a lot over this past year I can only hope the times ahead are simpler and bring much joy, good health and prosperity to us both! Wish you a great year ahead and I'm sure we'll both be stronger in time for SF2 :)

I'm happy the pic brought a smile to your face bro :)

Indeed, It has been very difficult for us both, over the last year, but hopefully we can now begin to leave the pain in our rear view mirrors, as we journey on to much happier times ahead!

Keeping everything crossed for a long overdue SF2 meet up bro :)

Absolutely! Looking forward to it! :)

RE-Start!
RE-Boost!
Re-BORN!
I can't count how often I experienced this feeling of RE-Newal!

It's a part of life
EMBRACE IT!

"BREATH In
Relax your mind
BREATH OUt and smile
Buddhas have more fun!"

Rise from those ashes like the Phoenix!

My ❤️always

image

Breathe in deeply and breathe out! That's all Im doing! Feeling great! Thanks and your posts inspire me! :)

Looks like a nasty incident. Glad you are on the mend. Reminds me of a time I cut a tendon in my hand with a bread knife and needed surgery to sew it back together. I had to wear a similar contraption to yours on my hand.

It indeed was nasty! But Im glad that you recovered well. I hope the same for me! :D

It must have been really hard on you, and honestly I have great respect for how you are going about it now! It's easy to find yourself in a self pitying situation and looking at the glass half empty after a situation like this, but you managed to find acceptance with it.

I notice myself I sometimes have issues with accepting things for what they are. What can I say... I'm a fighter lolz! But reality is how it is and the only thing one can do is embrace it and make the best of it!

What i recently learned myself is to try and look at the lesson in "bad" situations. Like, what can I learn from this?

*big hug and I really hope will heal up even more still! <3

Just wondering by the way, since I have carpal tunnel on both wrists, do you use any software for typing or... :)

Hey!

It was indeed hard initially but as with anything else in my life I decided just to accept the situation and go with the flow of things. Life isn't really in our control as much as we imagine it would be.

It is easy to end up self pitying but it does no one any good. Certainly not yourself if you stay in that state of mind for a long time.

I'm glad to know that you are fighter.

I notice myself I sometimes have issues with accepting things for what they are. What can I say... I'm a fighter lolz! But reality is how it is and the only thing one can do is embrace it and make the best of it!

It's natural, even I find myself in such situations sometimes and then I snap out of it when I can think clearly for myself!

As far as my hand is concerned, I'm just pushing it. Wearing the splint with the rubber bands that help extend my fingers is painful. After an hour's use I'm in pain and have to take it off and get a break. I really tried to use voice to text for a while and had some success with it but I'm not comfortable at all using it as my flow of thought gets messed up so I had to come back to using the splint and doing it the hard way!

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. Appreciate it a lot!

I recently read a very interesting book around Buddhism by Thich Nhat Hanh, called No Fear, No Death and absolutely loved it! It was quite the eye opener for me as he talks about how everything is interconnected and how everything is ever changing.

I tried a bit of voice to text myself, but I agree.... It's a tricky thing. I'm better at writing then I am at talking so I ended up giving up on it and just taking a lot of breaks.

I hope your hand will still improve and one day you'll be able to do all this without pain!

Take care! <3

Thank you! I'll check out the book that you've mentioned.

I hope your carpal tunnel doesn't give you too much trouble. It must be painful too! Would be nice if our hands dont hurt anymore haha!

Take care of your health too Athena! :)

Big digital hug to ya! haha

:) Ye well it's just something I have to live with I think but it's k. I just try to find ways to work around it.

:)

I missed your post From the feed but I was seeing a post about The top Post on no. of comments, and the second or third post was yours. I was struck to see that as I thought you were Injured and could not write.
so I opened It and read it all the way. When you told me that you met with an accident, I thought It would have been a small one, but when I read your post today, Oh boy....It was a mojor one and you suffered a lot both Mentally and Physically.
But I am glad you are fighting with it with a strong hand and you already have won It mentally, and you will win it Physically in a few months and recover to your previous condition. Good Luck For that.

I was also suffering a lot mentally before joining steemit from a few months. I was thinking I could not do anything good in my life and will rot like this till I die. This thought gave me chills.
I was so much strained that If I hadn't joined On steemit, I would have joined a very sucking job in a few months and I think I would Not be able to sustain that kind of life and would have destroyed my life. But when I joined steemit, I see a Hope that I could be far more better than what I am Now.
I have just posted 2-3 Posts and I already see a big change in myself. The amount of work and Reasearch I have to do to make a positive/ motivational post. It made me see things that It was always Me, 2 years ago, 4 years ago and It is still me. Nothing has changed and I just started seeing things in a negative way.
Still I don't earn Much on steemit, but I am very much happy to use it. It keeps me away from my negative thoughts and keeps me busy in doing something productive. I am enjoying my life now like I was enjoying It a year back.
I see a lot of people like you, stories like yours that give me power to do something good and think something better of me. and that's why I enjoy steemit the most. @firepower

Wow! I'm humbled by by your response and I am so glad that you typed it out for everybody. I think that no matter how bad the situation we have the power to get positive results out of it and when you are in that situation it's never easy and I know that you know that now. I'm happy that you are really pushing yourself and trying to keep yourself in a positive state of mind and I am sure even if you feel right now that steemit isn't making you enough money but the fact that it makes you feel better is also a good thing! consistency is key and you will get where you need to be. I've been here for a year and it's not always been easy for me. but looking back I think the hard work I put into steemit has been worth it. I've made real friends in my life thanks to steemit and I don't think I could have met better human beings if I wasn't for this site. it's not just the money but its the real world relationships that matter too so be positive and keep working and you can change your life

Thanks, I know consistency is the key, and I will make efforts to change my life. Very motivating post.

That's great to hear from you! Good luck again. :)

One of the greatest guys I know right here!!
Your positive attitude was one of the most important factors getting you through this. Thank you for sharing and I'm happy you're back on your feet now. I can't even imagine what you've been through!

Dude! Thank you very much! It's going well now but sometimes I do wonder but writing this post has helped me calm down and focus my energies on what is truly important. ie. to be happy and focus on my work and do things that matter the most!

It's good to see you drop that mic again, friend!

I'm glad to hear your attitude is positive and that your recovery is continuing.

Yay!

Thank you so much! Recovery is progressing altho I hope by end of year the motor controls are restored.