Being an Ex-Addict in an Imperialist Police State during an Opioid Epidemic

I've got a record; criminal - though I'd prefer it to be musical.
My past crimes are petty, non-violent, & non-sexual.
I believe it's important to divulge & disclose this before I get too deep.

• I have no felonies;
• A few class B misdemeanors - like paraphernalia & (personal) possession;
• & 2 class A misdemeanors. . .

• Attempted failure to respond to a police officer's command.
  • Here is a video explaining.

 

• Unlawful use of a transaction card.
  • I had bought power tools on a company card without executive authorization (2012).

• • • • • Then pawned them for drugs.
          • I was addicted to heroin for 2.5 years - on and off;

            mostly on; only able & willing to stay sober while in jail.
            

          • I haven't relapsed since March 1st, 2013;
            & have no cravings or desire to partake;
            Even when it is directly in front of me (& I see it often enough).
            • I rarely drink alcohol - a few beers every couple weeks - max.
              • I very rarely (if at all) partake in any other substance use

                (like marijuana, prescriptions, hallucinogens).

                

                Not only because I've been poor - but because I'd prefer to be as conscientious as my mentality will persevere .
                

                • I have been very careful to be civil, law-abiding, vigilant, & respectful to authority for the last 2 & a half years;
                
                
                • I have a warrant from February 2015

                  court date pending for an order to show cause
                  (for absconding probation);

                  • Result of a shoplifting charge from Walmart.

                    Old habits die hard.

                    • I jumped through the judicial hoops; I participated in about 6 months of probation in 2015, passed drug tests, paid the monthly fees; even took a substance abuse evaluation by the state partner.
                      • That's when it started feeling hopeless to me.
                    • Here is a video I made in late 2016 explaining.

Why did I abuse drugs like heroin to begin with?

As far back as I remember, my desire to be numb (both mentally & physically) revolved around others' death that unnerved and shook me to my core. Each is particularly unnecessary - and even today there are viable solutions to the original causes.

Here is another video explaining.

Narcotic intoxication, in which the euphoric suspension of the self is expiated by deathlike sleep is one of the oldest social transactions mediating between self-preservation and self-annihilation; an attempt by the self to survive itself.

  From the book Dialectic of Enlightenment (1944) by Horkheimer & Adorno

Why do I tell you all of this?

I need your trust.
. . . but I've got issues.

Just some of what I am currently dealing with:

• My fear from a 2015 warrant; which could land me in jail for up to a year - where I would be doing absolutely no good for anyone.
• My broken & malfunctioning phone.
• My lack of resources - like software, electronics, formal (higher) education, job opportunities, transportation, any degree of money or income.
• My thin ice - staying under my mother's roof and using her meager resources like energy, utilities, food, and internet access.
• A small degree of social connectivity with my friends and family.
• Mental strain from how abstract & stressful I am (subconsciously) making my own life - like incipient ADD, anxiety, depression, and fear of experiencing the unknown.

What I have been dealing with for a while:

Poverty.

Stress.

Questions without answers.

Lackadaisical self-respect.

Lack of courage to speak out about injustices & tyranny in protest.

Meekness - my desire not to argue about that which I cannot have evidence for.

Nodus Tollens - a realization that the direction of my life doesn't make sense anymore.

Sacrifices

Part and parcel of the current cultural dynamic is the contemporary role of America's opioid epidemic on labor markets.
It is no surprise to me - as I have subjective, anecdotal experience - why labor industriously if there is little semblance of a sustainable future? People would rather be numb to such a stagnant reality. . .
Below is a couple videos (from Bloomberg Finance & Democracy @ Work) for schema building.

Mark 13:11

This was a difficult article to compose - it is highly subjective and personal (even slightly embarrassing), so if you think I did a decent job of conveying any degree of coherence:
give this post an upvote &/or resteem -
comment for a dialogue with me -
or if you have any editorial/ article flow suggestions.
Thanks for reading.