Isolation Is My Only Friend

Yes, here in the good ole USA, Elmira, NY to be exact is the place I experienced one of the most horrific ordeals  I ever went thru. It can happen so suddenly. In my case, I was just babysitting for my cousin. Cheech (this was his Italian mafia name) was a friend of my cousin's husband that helped supply them with marijuana. She had a one month old girl she wanted me to babysit so she could go out with her husband.  Her husband and Cheech were watching a football game that was on TV. When my cousin and her husband left I was left alone with him. They let Cheech stay to finish watching the game. I cared for her baby as needed, and was studying for mid terms for high school. 

As the hours went by, they were still gone until the early morning hours. I had fallen asleep waiting, next I wake up  fighting him off of me but he was much larger and stronger than me so I could not stop the attack. When he was done, I ran into the bathroom and waited for my cousin to return. She did not have a phone, this was the early 1980's before cell phones. When she finally got back around 2:00 am, she was more concerned about me getting her in trouble for having drugs so she would not let me call the police and report it, as a matter of fact she talked me out of reporting it entirely.

My nightmare was just beginning it gets much worse. I find out I had become pregnant. All I wanted to do is forget this ever happened. The only family I had was my mother, who was paralyzed from the waist down. She also was a recovering alcoholic with a horrible stutter. Because of her speech impediment she was incapable of speaking up for me. Being only 15 and fatherless I really had no support. Couple all of this with the announcement of my pregnancy. My cousin and Cheech found out soon after my mother did. The next thing I faced were threats from Cheech.

I am a pro life, I used to be a positive person, confident and optimistic. I never knew of the world of threats from a hardened mafia type person. He threatened my mother's life if I would not do what he said. Yes, I endured  years of this being held over my head. That is the most effective way they control their victims, and he sure used it. I lost my cat and he took credit for it, telling me he killed it and would kill my mother if I didn't do what he told me to do. 

I desperately wanted out of this situation. Tried very hard to get a person into my life to protect me and help me get custody back of my children. I had no income, it takes tons of money to get enough lawyer power to have custody even though he broke statutory rape laws continuously. By this time I had two children before I was 17.

Cheech got a girlfriend eventually and I rejoiced, hoping it would keep him away from me. At that time I married the first person who was not afraid of him. That ended badly, Cheech taunted him enough to cause him to try to kill me. I had to wrestle my first husband for eight hours, he even tried to club my head with an iron pipe. Somehow I overpowered him and escaped to run to the 7Eleven in my long johns in the winter barefoot to call the police.

I ended up having to pay for a divorce and lost all of my belongings. My first ex died about 7 years later. My mother died of cancer in 1996. I ended up paying child support to Cheech who died ten years later, just after my second child graduated from college.

I thought my life was turning for the better when I met my second husband. We had a lot of financial problems however I thought it was a good marriage.  After 23 years he robs me of my life's savings and runs out with a rich woman who owned a cattle ranch.

 Now I am all alone in this life, I don't have anyone or anything threatening me anymore except for poverty because of the disabled dead beat renter I have been trying to bring back to health after his hospitalization. Oh how I regret renting my extra room to him. From one anguish to another, the bitter second divorce, terrible childhood and my father abandoning me, I can never look at a man without wanting to run and hide. I wish I didn't have to work in a machine shop. It is like rubbing salt into my wounds. I used to dream of being a normal woman, now I just hope my existence is short.

I have no family, and thanks to my second ex I was removed from my friends and the best job I have ever had, as a sacrifice of mine to help him live closer to his work which little did I know, was also closer to his mistress.

I know all of this is very depressing, that is life. I find it as a detachment, maybe it gives me a freedom of no longer have any interest in acquiring anything this world has to offer. If I own anything, I will have to surrender it sooner or later anyways.  All is vanity vexation under the sun is so true. I have came to the conclusion that I must live the rest of my life without hugs or the so called affection which men display for a woman.  Even if I could find a husband or boyfriend I realize that all he would want is what I produced and can produce, that and only that would be what he is interested in. To be able to go on, all I do is quit craving any affection, and wait patiently for my permanent rest.

Yes, relationships could be, most definitely should be sustainable. Perhaps for other people. I simply give up trying to find one. The only men that pursue me have been fakes online, married men, mooches, most likely ISIS or muslim profiles on Linked In and Face Book, or men that do not want a serious relationship. The rest of the men most likely are gay or unavailable or I don't have enough to entice them. I quit looking after two dates on Match.com, both men were disrespectful of women and have nothing but sick intentions.

If you are fortunate enough to have a life partner, the trouble is keeping it. It can't be done if only one tries.