Hope is harder than hell... Multitudes

There is a new evolution stirring in me. It's been hitting me in waves, I realized what I lost and what I surrendered. In December, the next step in my growth was to tell my family that I am an atheist and don't believe in god like they do. That worked for the time. I read Bukowski and Sylvia Plath, still two of my favorite things. But I went through a difficult break up that sent me into a spiraling depression. When I announced that I was no longer religious, I also subconsciously rejected the spiritual side of myself. This was similar to the way I rejected the artist in myself when I pursued business with all of my time and energy. I was watching a video today from James Marshall when it clicked on a deeper level. I can be spiritual without being religious. I must be spiritual, it was in spirituality that I found peace and solace in the storms of life. In December, I had nothing. I let go of my meditation practice, I stopped reading books about eastern religion and I summed up life as essentially meaningless and deeply painful.

I can't get myself to believe in a monotheistic god or hardly even a vague sense of a higher power. But I can believe in some unifying element to this universe. I have a difficult time with having faith in things. And everyone in church would shout that I have faith in this chair because I sat down without testing it. Very well, but even if this chair broke it would be a trifle. So I can have faith in trifles, but not in matters of universal significance. But that's just me and I'd rather not argue with anyone about it. I am more concerned with matters of conscious; and what I am; and perhaps more importantly, what I am not. This is not a matter of faith but introspection and observation.

I can witness the rise and fall of thoughts in my mind. I can witness the change of form across my moods and emotions. I observe the physical changes in my body, whether I am hungry, tired, or fearful. I see the change on a global scale. I watch the ebb, flow, and fissures in relationships between everyone here. The more I witness without interjecting my judgments and remedies, the more I am able to let go of and find a sense of continuity and peace.

My eccentric English Professor said something in passing that I consider profound, "Whenever you align yourself with any belief or ideology, any faith, ask yourself what you are giving up." The price of saying I am that is to limit yourself to not being what is not that. So when I said, "I am an Atheist," and made my family cry. I was expressing myself and confining myself to that expression at the same time.

So my next evolution is to embrace the spiritual side of myself. To regain my love for humanity. To allow myself to let go, find a peaceful moment, and breathe. I am about to start my meditation session. Thanks for reading, it is an honor to be witnessed.

Avoid at all costs, fracturing who you are into simple and easy to explain oversimplifications for the sake of other people's understanding.

 " Do I contradict myself?
 Very well then I contradict myself,
 (I am large, I contain multitudes.)" -Walt Whitman