My Complicated and Dysfunctional Relationship with Sleep

Sleep is more like a curse than a blessing to me, or rather the whole effort that sleeping involves. I can not remember ever being able to just "fall asleep". My relationship with sleep has always been complicated. While I do not suffer from night terrors, sleep paralysis or problems with waking up several times a night I seem to be unable to figure out how to properly fall asleep. So, as it is once again 7 am and I am not even sleepy yet, I might as well write a little something about this issue of mine.

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The possible root of this problem

So, why do I have this issue? Well, that is something several therapists and I have asked ourselves during these past 14 years. No one is sure but there are theories. One stems from my childhood. My parents were separated and my sister and I used to spend every second weekend at my father's place. Problem was, he was a drinker. I will not go down that road of explaining that mess in this post, but the problem was that he used to pass out. As a kid, you get taught that it is important to shut down electronics before you sleep, otherwise, they might catch fire and kill your whole family. As the angsty and worried kid I was, I took this very seriously. I remember that even if I was only a couple of years old, I stayed up until I heard my dad snoring so I could go and tell him to sleep in his real bed, but in the end, I started to just shut the tv off. That way he did not get angry at me. This went on for years and years and I think this habit and worry is one of the reasons as to why I can not fall asleep properly. Even now that I am 26 years old I can not fall asleep unless I am the last person awake and I know all electronics are safely shut off. Some therapists have argued that this is not the reason since my situation has changed, my life is not as it was when it was a kid and therefore this should be a non-issue by now. While I somehow agree with them, a part of me still believes this is one of the main issues to my complicated relationship with something that is supposed to be blissful is rather stressful for me.

Why therapy has not worked so far

Sleep and therapy can also be a bit of a sigh-inducing matter to me. It is easy for me to know if a new one is good or not depending on how they choose to tackle this issue. As I usually have not slept before my sessions, out of fear of oversleeping, it is very clear that this is a big issue already from the start. However, some suggest that sleeping is the first thing we are going to work on. I am to start going to bed early and just force it, and even if I do not manage to fall asleep in time, and even if I only get one hour of sleep, I should get up at a reasonable hour. This sounds like the perfect solution right? Well, it does, on paper at least. What they have failed to do was taking me seriously since I would have told them that I've already tried that several times before since that is what most people suggest I do. Therapists can have a hard time swallowing their pride, to be honest, and I do not mean to be rude, but there have been so many times where they have been more interested in proving that their methods are universally right rather than listening to me, their patient. So then, I return and what a chock, it did not work! Then, they usually start to take it more seriously. Others, thankfully, start working on the issues surrounding my sleep. I have the easiest time sleeping when I have something to wake up to, don't have that many mental problems and a rich social life. Those who listen, know that the issues that are linked to my sleeping issues need to be resolved before the big problem can be solved. It makes sense really, focusing on solving the small bits creating the big thing. Sadly, very few have listened so I have not been able to work as much as I have wanted on this.

What I have tried so far

Before well, last year, even if my sleeping schedule has been a mess it has not bothered me much. I studied from home when I was in school and never had a real job until then. I managed to get enough sleep when I was working, especially since I had my best friend as my only work buddy and she could cover for me when needed. Now I am once more unemployed and while I currently suffer from a cold, it is not that fun to wake up at 9 pm. I well, want to have a life now. My mental health has probably never been this good and I can finally start thinking that there may be a future out there for me. The sleeping gets in the way, however. And before you start judging because heck, even though it is me writing this I start to get a bit frustrated at myself thinking that it can't be as hard as I am making this out to be, right? Well, sadly it is.

I have not just tried one thing, I have tried everything that friends, therapists, family and strangers on the internet have suggested. Here is a small list of some of them:

• Sleeping pills. Tried them in various strengths, from harmless herbal ones to antihistamines to the real heavy stuff. They rarely work, some make my brain get super creative so I end up writing instead and while the heavy stuff tends to work for a couple of days my body builds up resistance quickly so there is no time to correct my failed sleeping schedule. One is also adviced not to take them regularly since they can be rather addictive. In the end, it can take around 3 weeks to introduce a new habit after all. The heavy stuff also makes me uneasy as it feels like I lose control and I am a bit of a control freak so... Another issue to add to the list.

• Relaxation. While relaxation can be nice, it does not make me sleepy. I usually need to be sleepy and tired to fall asleep, not just tired, which is why the next part doesn't work either.

• Exercise. While this is great for health overall, it doesn't help much. Especially since I can only do so much exercise from home. With my mental health issues, mixed with my IBS and how damned cold it is in this country most of the year, I rarely find enough motivation to go outside and take walks, especially as I hate them. I do try to exercise at home and one day I hope to be able to go to a gym without wanting to die. In the end, I think exercise will help my sleeping issues a lot, but I am not quite there yet.

• Thinking about nothing. This is something my ex suggested, as it works for him. I am however unable to just, shut my brain off. It was worse before I was on my meds since my thoughts would just spin around in my head. Before one thought was done I would be onto the next. It was a mess, to put it lightly. I am a bit scared to be alone with my thoughts also, as they usually start heading in a negative direction. I try to counter this by being exhausted mentally so I can't really think anymore.

I want a life, not a mess

The list goes on, but those are the big four that I can think of now. I have not given up on fixing this issue. I have waited more than 1.5 years on getting a new therapist, who will hopefully be able to tell me everything that is wrong with me so I can finally start working on the right things. A lot of things sucks about being undiagnosed, but trying to work on every possible thing is probably the suckiest one. I have tried so much in my life, and while it has probably enriched my life in some ways I am a bit tired of doing what feels like fumbling around in the dark, hoping to find a light-switch. I want to live a somewhat normal life, even if I am not a somewhat normal person. I am, however, hopeful. That I will be able to sleep blissfully one day, and see it as a blessing rather than the curse it is now.