The Joys Of Online Dating
So this is an old blog post of mine that I put on a blog that I no longer use. I figured I'd repost it in the hopes that my fellow Steemit users get a laugh out of one of the weirdest online dating encounters I've ever had.
For those not in the know, I’ve dabbled in online dating in the past. I’d stopped wasting my time with it until the other day, when I knocked a profile up on Plenty of Fish again just to see what happens. Within days I got contacted by a random girl (?) with no photo and quickly got reminded why I despair for the future of humanity.
Here’s the conversation with my thoughts attached:
Her – Ello luva hws it goin
Me – Not bad cheers. You?
Her – Nt bad ta. Whatcha doin
Me – Just chilling watching tv
So it doesn’t start off too badly. Granted she calls me “luva” in her first message and she spells like someone who is trying to single-handedly invent English, but she seems harmless enough. I figure after the TV comment this would be a conversation that heads into the ether in short order.
Her – Well
Me – ?
Her – Cum to my house
Me – Erm I don’t know you and have no idea what you look like
Her – I’m a blonde bombshell baby
Within four messages I’ve been invited to the house for…something? I don’t know. It was never elaborated on. Bear in mind I don’t know what this girl looks like as she didn't have a photo on her profile and only know that she writes like someone who has syphilis of the fingers. Apparently she’s a blonde bombshell though so there’s only one way to follow that up.
Me – Prove it
Her – What’s ur addy
Me – Addy?
Her – Addy babe bloody hell u in da stone age
Me– I’m assuming you mean email. Rather not yet. Put a pic on here
Yeah…I’m not giving my email out to somebody who is clearly insane. Still, I could see this was going to be entertaining so I let things continue.
Her – Cor. Only have webcam
Me – You don’t have a smartphone. Bloody hell do you live in the stone age?
What? I thought the stone age thing was pretty funny considering what she’d said a couple of minutes earlier. Apparently my suitor did not agree.
Her – Bustard
Her – I do nuffin bt be nice to u an wot do I get bac a basturd
Her – I wrk day n nigte and I fink to ma self what a wirld we luve in.
Her – Such is life wherr a man luvs a wanman and he dpesnt bavk
What in the actual fuck? So now I’m a bustard/basturd and there’s something about loving a wanman in there. I dunno what this girl has heard but I don’t swing that way! This is clearly going to be an excellent use of my morning.
Me – What on earth are you talking about
Her – Life my babe hw are y
Me – I have no idea what you’re trying to say.
Her – Are u stupod
Pay attention here people. I’ve gone from a bastard, to babe right into “stupod” in the space of a few messages. Of course, I can’t resist my next message.
Me – *stupid
Her – Yes u r
Her – In glad u agree
I believe I’m speaking to a five year old. She hates me again though. That will change soon.
Her – I no eeve just met but i lke u
See...I think.
Her – I’m scarex I saw a shadoe
Her – It was mine gagagahagaha
Me – This is one of the weirdest conversations I’ve ever had.
Her –😦
Her – Step in time
Me – ?
By this point I’m fairly certain I’m talking to some form of alien that has heard about human speech but has never engaged in a conversation with a human. I can think of no other way to explain that absolute travesty of a joke. It’s the sort of joke Carlos Mencia would write if he actually wrote his own material rather than stealing other comedian’s bits.
Her – Answer me in time. Wnt my mobile? Whatsapp?
Her – Gimmie urs
Her – Well
Her – .
Her – I take it u dow lky me not many ppl do. I guess I’m a freak
Her – TALK TO ME IM GOIN CRAZY
Bear in mind here that each of these is an individual message that was sent within seconds of the last. It’s gone from hate to like to hate to like so fast that I now believe I’m speaking to an alien with bipolar disorder. It’s at this point that I feel an exit from the conversation is the best course of action.
Me – Seriously just drop it. Nothing’s going to happen between us.
Her – Why u ay even giv me a chance. I waanna tug ur b eard
Me – I can already tell you aren’t my type. Just move on, there’s plenty of people on the site.
Her – I mean bread
Her – It’s pof no t pop.
Her – I’ll find you th en up You’ll like me
Her – Sry I’m coming ontwo strngi just lky you qlot
Her – I’ll leave ya to think abut it
So let’s recap. I try to end the conversation but my alien friend is having none of it. She makes a last gasp effort to woo me by threatening to rip the facial hair out of my chin. Ladies…tip for the future – when you have a man with a beard don’t tell him you want to tug at it. He has other things for you to tug and it feels a lot better when you do.
From there my beard becomes bread because of course it fucking does. After another awful joke my alien compadre apparently channels Liam Neeson and says that she will find me and make me like her before immediately freaking out and saying something that looks like an apology about coming on too strong if it was typed by somebody who is in the process of exiting the human corpse that they have inhabited to go online dating.
Me – Seriously its not going to happen. You don’t know me to like me outside of pictures. Please stop.
Her – K miserably
Mercifully, it ends.