Say 'I Love You' the Wrong Way and I'll Kill You
" 'Hello, good to see you.'
This sentence can be said with the energy of anger, sweetness, sexiness, hatefulness, or coyness.
You can speak with any energetic quality, pervading the concert hall of your experience. The bodies in this hall -- yours and others' -- are resonated by the energy you offer.
Choose the energy of your speech like a musician selecting a song from his or her repertoire, for the sake of opening the audience." - David Deida, Instant Enlightenment
Someone says something you know is wrong, and you perk up.
He or she might even be a friend. A smart friend. You want them to know they're wrong, so you can be on the same page.
Well, actually ...
And you've lost them.
Nobody wants to be told they were wrong.
If you know you're right and someone else is wrong, that means you were once in that person's shoes. You weren't born knowing what you know. When you open a sentence with well, actually ... you're giving off superiority vibes. I know more than you. No, you're just slightly ahead on the curve of life experience on this one minuscule topic in an infinite universe.
If you can shift from well, actually, to pure, open-minded curiosity ... why do you think that? ... leaving open the possibility of being wrong ... well, then, if you're right, you'll arrive on the same page. And if you're wrong, you'll arrive on the same page. More importantly, you'll both arrive at the truth by yourselves, on your own terms.
Sometimes good intentions aren't enough. Gentle arguing might come from a good place, but it doesn't work. If you talk from a pedestal, you're lecturing, not communicating. Realize you're on the same footing as everyone, and arrive at the truth together.
I used to say :
You can not judge a man by what he has yet to do.
Meaning : don't tell me, show me!
Good intentions as you say are sometimes just not enough!
Love it!
Nice. You sort of find yourself in this situation, or I should actually say, I find myself in this situation, often with my son, who's nearly 6 and at the end of his first year of school. He's in that period of learning where he wants to appear to know everything and doesn't like to be corrected in any way, oddly more by me than anyone else, yet he also only wants to do his homework with me and not anyone else meaning I'm the only one that can correct him. Because of this adverse response to any form of correction, I've had to learn new ways to go about it so that I don't say something like 'actually the answer is' ...or 'no, try again' and so on. Which is something all the 'how not to stuff up your children' literature says you should go about it anyway so you aren't attaching a negative impression to learning and making mistakes, which makes sense.
It's a great skill to have though I think, especially as an adult because you really have to think your responses through and get creative and you can't just blurt words out on autopilot. It would be a wonderful world if everyone spoke to each other with the care that you're suggesting. And it does use more brain cells doesn't it but it's not like it's actually hard work. Maybe we should start a movement.
Oh man, I was SO like your son when I was six. Until I was about 18, actually. Very "smart" (did well in school) ... but SO stubborn and close-minded. I think for kids, the key is to praise them for their effort, creativity, growth -- and not make a big deal out of grades, right answers, even wrong answers. Mindset by Carol Dweck explains this way better than I can.
It would be a wonderful world. Let's start that movement in our own lives, and hope it spreads :)
Yeah that son of mine, who is in prep, was busted gratifying the wall in the school toilets yesterday with a friend and when he was getting in trouble by the principle and vice principle he got so upset and scared he threw up on both of them! I swear, he's a seriously sweet, good natured, polite little thick head that does THE DUMBEST shit I've ever known a kid to do.