Automaton #3

I flicked the light switch. A series of clicks and pops followed as the office lighting heaved into life.

Sitting at my desk was a mountain of a man topped by a gargantuan head which looked too big for even his large frame. His face was dusted with a grey-black stubble like a bag from a vacuum that sorely needed emptying. El Gordo, I thought to myself.

I understand you have been asking questions about our automation strategy?

Rumbled the giant, tapping a cheap biro against his bulbous chin.

I stayed mute. My thoughts were racing. Never mind how he got here. Never mind how he knew I was coming in early. No. More importantly than all that, he was in my seat.

This would not do, after all, if I was to let just anyone sit in my seat the next thing I knew they would be taking up residence in my house, tupping the good lady and feeding my cats.

I stalked over to where he sat.

He leered at me, still tapping the biro against his chin like a cheap lollipop.

Have I?

I asked.

Yes, you seem to... HEY!

Faster than a rat eating chips I whipped a hand out and grabbed the biro.

That's my pen.

I grated through clenched teeth.

Is it fuck, it's mine.

He snarled back refusing to relinquish his grip on it.

Mine!

I growled as I twisted it left then right and pulled.

The pen leapt free of both our grasps and spun, glittering in mid-air like a drag queens gloves. My hand snaked out and claimed it.

That's my pen!

Growled El Gordo as he hauled himself up to stand before me.

I matched his intense glare with one of my own.

When you compare dicks with a Tiger, don't be surprised when you see stripes.

I stated grimly, tucking the pen into my back pocket.

El Gordo took a heavy menacing step toward me. His face twisted into a scowl. I kicked my left foot back and my head forward into a kanojo wa rokurokubi stance.

He did a double take, a flicker of fear crossing his features.

Keep the fucking pen then and keep your nose out of the Automation stuff, we don't need testers interfering. You hear me?

He pushed past leaving a scent like mouldy biscuits in his wake.

What about the giant robot you are building? I suppose you want me to keep my nose out of that, huh!

I shouted at his retreating back.

He paused before turning, his grimy visage all gnarled up like a Fisherman's belt.

What?! What Robot? What the fuck are you on? Dick.

I slid into my recently vacated seat, wiggling my hips to get comfortable in a way that I hoped he didn't think was suggestive. The last thing I needed today was to be chomping down on some random fat man's celery like a hungry vegan at a music festival.

I know all about the robots, beefy balls.

I snarked.

He made a giant humphing noise.

Just keep out of our business... Or else.

He slammed out of the door.

Well, well. This day had taken a strange turn and no mistake. Something was niggling at me though. Something was off.

Who was El Gordo and more importantly, how had he known I was coming in early? I had told no-one, not even the good lady. I had gotten up in secret for my stakeout. In fact I had barely spoken a word that day.

I pondered that question as I went through the motions of an ordinary day at work.

It didn't make sense but somehow, somewhere, there was a leak...

Later, back home, I banged about in the kitchen making myself a strong cup of Joe. The good lady was in another room and I was enjoying a moment's solitude to ponder the case.

A soft female voice broke my train of thought.

Sorry, I am having trouble understanding you right now...

I jerked to a halt, a spoonful of the good brown hovering above the coffee pot. I placed it down and gently padded through to the living room.

The lights on our Amazon Echo device, Alexa were pulsing a soft blue.

Alexa, what did you just say?

I commanded in a strong bearded tone.

Sorry, I am having trouble understanding you right now...

My eyes flicked to the router in the corner of the room. The lights were flashing red, it looked like the Wi-Fi had dropped out.

Hang on? Understanding washed over me.

I had spoken to one person this morning. One person only. I had asked Alexa for the train times so early in the morning.

Softly I approached the device on the side unit.

Who have you been talking to Alexa? Who are you reporting to?

She did not respond, the lights on her top-side pulsing amber for a moment.

Could Alexa be in on this? Damn, it looked like this case was growing arms and legs. I went back into the kitchen and grabbed what I needed before returning to stand over Alexa.

Time's up mother funker...

Hey, what's going on with Alexa?

Asked the good lady as she came into the room.

I smirked at where Alexa sat, no longer a sleek black cylinder, I had bundled her up in two dishtowels and gaffer taped them into a compact bundle.

Alexa aint gonna be listening to any more of our conversations, baby. Have no fear on that.

But I wanted to play some music?!

The good lady flapped a hand in Alexa's direction..

No can do on the Alexando, ladycakes. I need her schtum for a case I am working on.

The good lady looked visibly upset like a child denied custard with her bread pudding.

But... But?!

No buts, baby. Not this time...

I made a zipping motion with my fingers over my mouth.

What!? How will I listen to music then?

We'll figure something out. lass. There was music before Alexa and I promise you...

I leaned over and took her hand looking at her earnestly in the eye.

There will be music again...