The Bullshit Fear of Being Authentic

Let’s start with an inspirational picture that has little to nothing to do with this blog. Carrying on…   

I’ll admit it. Today, I’m angry.    

I’ve been creating positive affirmation and law of attraction content for a while now, so I sometimes feel like I should be some enlightened being who’s always stable, balanced, and ready to give amazing advice to my subscribers and friends. But the truth is, half the reason I make these videos is my own suffering. My own anger. My own vulnerability to negative energy.    

I feel like that a lot lately. Vulnerable. Angry. Negative. This has been a rough six months. A brutal winter. I lost my main gig last fall, and a short while after that, I lost my Youtube partnership, which meant all income from my (multiple) Youtube channels vanished too.    

I’m not writing this blog to make myself sound pathetic or beg you all to subscribe to my channel (although it would help me out). I’m not writing it to vent or commiserate with others who’ve suffered similar bad luck in the last few months. I’m writing it because I’m damn angry, and I’m COMMANDING the universe to help me change my life. I’m commanding myself to change it too.   

COMMANDING the Change: Who Are You, Really?    

When things aren’t going the way we want, we must keep changing our actions and mindset until they do. When examining my actions and mindset, it’s been difficult to determine where I’m going wrong, but I did think of something. Maybe some of you will relate to this.    

I censor myself. A lot. I censor myself on this brand as well as my main brand (where I show my identity). I think I’m capable of being a funnier and far more outgoing human being than I’ve been these past few years, but to be honest, I’m terrified of putting my true self out there. People are so easily offended and quick to send their fiery hatred your way. I’ve come to fear being myself, because the real me is goofy and weird and sometimes dark with my humor, and if I say the “wrong thing” in front of the wrong people, I’m afraid of the damage it might cause.    

The Fear: What it is and Where it Came From   

In the past few years, I’ve started hundreds of blogs, videos, tweets, etc. that I’ve deleted before ever posting. There’s been dozens more that I posted then thought better of and deleted within hours/days. Why? Because I’m scared I’ll be attacked, taken wrong, or taken out of context.    

I’m not talking about troll comments. Those aren’t that big a deal. But within these past few years, I’ve witnessed a frightening thing: People being “dragged” on social media. Basically, someone will say something that people find offensive. Often times, it’s taken out of context completely, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Someone will screenshot it, spread it around, and soon that original person is having to shut down their social media accounts because of hate and death threats. Whether some of these people truly were rude and offensive is kind of besides the point. I’ve seen it happen to multiple people who were totally innocent and didn’t deserve it at all.    

I’m a big believer in not giving a shit what other people think, and I don’t. However, I don’t handle confrontation well at all. I start shaking, dripping with sweat, and having serious anxiety if someone sends hateful energy my way. Why do you think I got into meditation in the first place?   

Moving Forward with Authenticity: Is There an Answer?   

So, what’s the answer? Be myself, and maybe say the wrong thing one day and ruin my life? Be myself, say the wrong thing, and deal with upsetting negative energy from haters? I wish I was some guru with all the answers, but the greatest answers I’ve found in life come from facing our own personal truths. I don’t know what will happen from here, but I’m feeling more empowered than in the past. I want the freedom to be my real self and put that person out there for the world to know. I guess the only answer is to keep going, despite any haters, despite any setbacks, despite any lost jobs, and despite any doubts I have in myself. And I think all of you should do the same.   

I’ve noticed there doesn’t seem to be much of a positive energy/law of attraction community here on steemit yet, so if you’re interested in that sort of thing, please follow and leave a comment so I can follow you. The law of attraction and meditation are two of my biggest interests in life, and rather than just spouting a bunch of new-agey stuff that sounds pretty, I’m interested in really applying these concepts to life, which is often messy and full of darkness and difficult challenges.    

Please follow and comment if you’re interested in the same. Until then, take care steemit. Be yourselves. I wish abundant love and financial success for all of us. Oh, and check out my latest video and please subscribe if you can. Such a simple act, yet it can do so much…  

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