Becoming Who We Want to Be - Encountering Inner Obstacles

Why is it sometimes so difficult to start our Life?
To really start creating what we want to create?
To do what we really want to do?

Abstract:
This article is about our fear of us BEING failures when pursuing what we really want to do in life, and therefore are discouraged in pursuing our 'life goals'. Further, I'll go into the matter with describing the personal, evolutionary, social and cultural psychology behind the issue.

There are undoubtely many dimensions to the point but the result inevitably stays the same: we do not move toward our goal and potential - or, in the worst case scenario, we actively (and subconsciously) sabotage ourselves in order to stay stuck in our limitation in order to NOT become who we can and actually WANT TO be.

Why is this? Why the hell would someone in his right mind do something like that to oneself?

Fear, Failure and Not Being Good Enough

FEAR is the answer.

Why do we fear?

Because we fear going somewhere where we can potentially expect negative results of our actions. (Which is basically fear of the unknown)

So what negative results?

That we WILL NOT get what we want - and thus end up disillusioned. Not even so much with the pursuit itself not succeeding - BUT THAT WE, US and OURSELVES ARE TO BLAME.

To blame for what?

FOR FAILURE.

With the result of us seeing ourselves as ...

NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH.
BEING FAILURES OURSELVES.
AND THAT WE WILL NEVER GET WHAT WE WANT.

Well now, here we hit some core point.

We take the process of 'failure' very personal. The fact that we see ourselves as not good enough, or even as failures, hits us deeply of course - and even more horribly so: we might even feel 'justified' in losing all our self-respect. I mean, we wanted something really really really deeply, and then we FAIL. And it's 'our fault' - for who else can we blame? The fact that it is 'PROVEN' to us BY REAL-WORLD FEEDBACK makes it all the more hard for ourselves to be able to stand with ourselves, take ourselves seriously and respecting ourselves. No, if we go for something we want and we can't have it while it's our very own fault makes us look very much like LOSERS. And no-one wants that. It's almost too much to bear.

Yet, some might say: "Well well, that might be so, but success is also very dependent on unpredictable circumstances that are outside of our control." Yes, true. But that doesn't mean that we acknowledge that fact per se on a deep level. The fear that we are actually to blame ourselves is very strong, and might very well overrule the rationale that it might not have been our fault 100%. I mean, the risk of having brought the catastrophe of failure over ourselves FEELS very real on a deep level. And yes, people also tend to blame others for their own failures/mistakes, YET the dent in our self-esteem secretly remains (even though our conscious minds might cry otherwise). Ultimately we pick up on our fear of us 'not having been able to do it'. Thus we might stop pursuing what we want, as we cannot have what we want, for apparently, we don't have what it takes.

So having this deep subconscious fear of (ultimate) Self-failure in the back of our minds makes the stakes of pursuing our dreams very high. Our self-esteem and self-worth is being risked - not to mention the fact we might have to face the proof of our doom that we will never be able to have what we want in life.

Fear of Social Ridicule

As if this isn't bad enough, it is potentially compounded by the social ridicule we might have to face. So our failure might lead to losing status within our in-group - fueling the fear of failure that we already had. Despite the fact that this might not be the ACTUAL case (as the social environment might be very forgiving) - we mustn't forget that this instinctual fear of social ridicule is still very strong with us. This fear evolved over many centuries and has its roots in our buildup as social beings living in a social network. For since the olden ages we are dependent on our fellow tribesmen for our very survival (and reproduction). And thus and therefore, our 'failure' might not only endanger ourselves but also THE WHOLE GROUP. Failing in a group where we are linked by very survival leads to all kinds of 'social corrections', and thus potential repercussions, from the group towards US (like being ostracized, not being able to get a nice alpha-partner etc.). Losing status as a social being living in a social structure makes 'failure' therefore a serious issue: the consequences of losing face/status might directly affect our evolutionary needs and desires, as those of others we have to survive with.

So, we don't want to fail: not for our self-image, not for the social group, and certainly not for our belief of (not) being able to have what we want (and thus ultimately, in the worst-case scenario, end up emptyhanded in life). It's anticipated regret in our personal and social sense that plays the trick on us of not manifesting what we really want.

Culture as a Determinant of Our Fear of Failure

But wait! It's not only evolutionary, social and personal psychology - there's the influence of our celebrated culture as well!

And what does it say in this day and age? Interestingly, THE EXACT OPPOSITE of the fear of failure we were programmed to live by, namely: that we SHOULD PURSUE OUR DREAMS OF COURSE!!!! You only live once man YOLO!!!! Nothing should hold you back! You are the creator of your Destiny!!! SUCCESS IS YOUR OWN MERIT!!! GO FOR IT WITHOUT FEAR, YOU DON'T OWE ANYONE NOTHING MAN - FUCK WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK!

This is basically a modernized American Dream blasting though our speakers.

So the more this message/idea is blared into our mind's ears, the more we tend to believe it - for it becomes part of our psychologically impregnated cultural heritage. CULTure (contributes to) programming us into believing a specific world-system perspective with morals, ideals, dreams, and rules - and thus the way we see ourselves and our position within society and reality as a reflection from its values.

So why do quite a lot of us still fear to 'make our dreams come true'? I mean, it is socially and culturally accepted - and even gone up to the point of being EXPECTED of you to become the success you are destined to be, for ALL is possible and you should answer to no-one right?

Well, because this (cultural) idea has changed nothing to the ultimate equation. You aren't now instantly free from the psychological reality of fear of failure now the media sonorously bespeaks your ultimate freedom in choice and creation. Why? Because fear of failure is so deep ingrained within us through thousands of years of programming - and, interesting but true, this cultural idea ultimately does nothing to lessen it.

For, if anything, OUR FEAR OF FAILURE HAS GOTTEN WORSE BECAUSE OF IT.

Why?

For the rule now is:
IF YOU FAIL, THEN YOU ARE A TOTAL LOSER.
Evidently so, for 'nothing stood in your way to make it'. Right?

So if you don't succeed - you lose.
And ...

"It's your fault."
"You are to blame."
"You don't have what it takes."
"You just couldn't do it."
"There are all of these people making it into success, and you are not one of them."
"You are not a winner. You are a LOSER."
"AND THUS YOU CANNOT AND WILL NOT HAVE WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE"

So, we're really talking big-time pressure here. And the media has only made it worse, because psychologically speaking we are facing a total showdown with ourselves if 'the thing we want doesn't succeed' - for we are FULLY, I repeat, FULLY to blame.

Yes, given, there might be a group who gets inspired of all this talk, and actually get encouraged to 'go for it' (and get it). Which could be cool for sure, yet also potentially very fucked-up due to e.g. the programmed pumped-up ideas where one only lives only for the 'success' as a self-definition. This can lead to losing oneself in it and so forgetting who one is without the pink and golden success-wrapping around one's ego and sense of self. And even think others are less because they are not as successful because they are lazy of just plain losers.

And on top of it all, this modern media sacrament of 'we are all the creators of our success, and fully responsible for it' creates a substantial proportion of the people who get DIScouraged to create ther lives as they want it because, as said, the psychological stakes are so extremely high. This in turn leads to a sense of disempowerment ("I am not effective", "I cannot create my life" etc.).

So, the media and its modern cultural message is a trap: it SEEMS like we get empowered by its message, but there are hidden vipers in the grass we do not immediately see that actually undermine us: our sense of empowerment, our self-effectiveness and self-worth are ACTUALLY made more vulnerable - and so the conviction of ourselves of being able to create a life for our own that we want.

The Issue of Limited Resources with 'Giving ALL to ALL'

Not only is the cultural message flawed in its way where it supposedly calls for everyone to 'become their own super-star success'; there's another complication to this whole story, which is:

THERE ARE SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH SPOTS ON THIS EARTH FOR EVERYONE TO BE A TOTAL SUCCESS
(when 'success' is defined as everyone being able to 'have it all')

For if everyone is a millionaire... Well, who's gonna pay for that? lol
There simply aren't enough $$$s and resources on the planet for everyone to become super rich. I mean, how are we going to pay millions of millionaires who spend millions on marvelous mansions?

And if everyone is a star, well, who would be a star then?
Stars cannot be everywhere and all over the place and still be convincing starts.

Why?

For this would downplay and delete their very system of stardom. Having a star in every streetblock would normalize stardom in relation and proportion to itself, leading to stardom inflation!

Meaning: a star is a star BECAUSE he/she is SPECIAL.
And specialness is a thing of COMPARISON (of the normal with the special, where the special one is 'more than normal').
And if everyone is SPECIAL - well, then there's no-one left who is actually special, for it HAS BECOME NORMAL.

And so stars' value operate via the laws of economy, and inflation - they become worthless with too many around. SO it's important for stardom to strongly revolve around comparison and exclusiveness (note the double and intertwined meaning in that word) - and hence 'specialness'. And that's also why many people tend to be so crazy about and idolize stars, because they are 'more than human' - and more than themselves - which is bullshit by the way, but ok.

There is simply not enough 'resources' on this planet for everyone to 'make it' as depicted in the media. So as it is now, inevitably, there will be more losers than winners, that's for sure. The bank-account of the world simply doesn't work, or would allow it, that way. And the ones believing that we all are 100% responsible for our success to 'make it', and otherwise are 'losers'... Well, most of them will have face the hard reality that life isn't a Lady Gaga song.

So this projected idea of 'univerally attainable success' can hit home hard for many - and actually psychologically diminishes more people than it creates proud, self-fulfilled and self-made men/women.

Fear, Safety and Our Comfort Zone

After this cultural intermezzo, let's go back to the red thread of the story.

So given the dimensions of fear of failure (losing our self-worth, social worth and deterministic sense of not being able to have what we want) it might (obviously) seem safer for us to stay in our comfort zone - for then we know what we do and where we are heading toards, without the risk of losing a lot. Our situation is predictable and our self-image and social status remains - and that is worth something. At least it isn't failure we are personally accountable, and to blame for. And although we don't really get what we want from life, we are at least SAFE.

Safety, yes... The thing we are programmed to desire and abide by. And equally and inversely so, to avoid danger. For God knows what lurks in the dark and the unknown...

Regardless, we often are on a deep and secret psychological level (somewhat) dissatisfied with our lives and are soured with ourselves for not stepping outside of our boundaries and fear and confort zone in order to manifest what we ACTUALLY and REALLY wanted. But at least didn't have to face the destruction of our fragile ego, our self-esteem, our social image while having to face the 'proof' that we are not good enough to be who we want to be and to do what we want to do. And so, 'We did ok...' is what we hopefully be able say to ourselves at the very moment the grim reaper shows us his shining harvesting tool...

So is the ego happy then, by not being 'destroyed' in shame or scorn? NO OF COURSE NOT MAN! For despite having our quasi-comfortable lives where we follow the same rountines structurally and methodically - like having sex once a week on Fridays at 20.00 after giving your wife 2 gin tonics after just having working for 40 hours a week in a dead-end office - our ego is STILL shitting on our heads all the same because we were TOO FEARFUL to become the potential we could have been and lived, in the freedom of our expression. So the ego hits us painfully in the balls / ovaries anyways, blatantly stating we are chickens and LOSERS NEVERTHELESS. For we secretly feel and think we didn't live life to the fullest, and that brings about sour or even bitter regret, whether we like it or not. It's the regret over our anticipated regret. So there's a double helix of fear and regret fucking with us that ultimately keeps us dissatisfied and stuck in a life where we didn't manifest, live and create what we actually wanted.

The regret of the things we didn't do is bigger than the regret of the mistakes we made trying to do what we wanted to achieve. That's a commonly known fact. Yet, and regardless, we still prefer to be sitting ducks in our own lives - trying to feel a hero when playing on our Xbox or imagining true romance running through our veins when Richard Gere holds his heroine in his gentleman arms.

And so fear wins. And we lose.

We are caught.

... So what to do?

The Solution: Flapping Yourself to the Oceanside

I am not going to lie, I am not perfect and also still finding out a lot about myself and life - and I am guilty as charged as well: I have been lurking in my comfort zone while avoiding me manifesting my potential through subconsciously blocking myself moving forward BECAUSE of the fear of failure. Yes, I have done many things, read many books, traveled, and had weird esoteric experiences. Yet, THE TRUE TEST of 'getting out there' and 'going for what it is you want' and becoming the best you can be is NOT per se in living principles like 'Diversity' or 'Discovering the New'. And this was my pitfall: believing that 'Diversity' and'Change' was the answer to living a fulfilled life, as in living 'Freedom' that allowed me to not being bound to any place or activity in particular. This screwed me over because it turned out to be a DISTRACTION TACTIC from me facing my fear of failure, which was in the process excused and almost sanctified with idea that 'Freedom' was the thing to go for in life. Don't get me wrong, (experienced) Freedom is a crucial factor for creating the life we want YET although it shouldn't be mixed up with using ESCAPISM as an excuse to not go for what we REALLY WANT.

And so we have to become aware of how we are subtly avoiding going for our true potential and that we wish to manifest, create and live in the end. We have to stop feeling safe in our comfort zone - for we might be the king fish in our little pond/bowl but we secretly know that there is a beautiful ocean just a couple of swimming strokes away. Given, we might have to struggle a bit getting there, flapping ourselves clumisily over the dry land, a bit panicky yes, but when we get there we bathe in our unlimited possibilities for exploration and creation.

So how do we flap ourselves to that oceanside?

We first have to close the gap within ourselves.

So how is that now the key to REAL success?

Because by YOU in each moment embracing yourself within in each step - and to walk YOURSELF as you go in life - you are undivided and focused within yourself, and thus able to manifest the best of yourself. Your purpose and that what you REALLY want is in closing that gap within yourself - and so to LIVE WHO YOU ARE AS YOURSELF.

So the key is becoming one and whole with yourself, and allowing yourself to flourish in every moment - and to have NO FEAR as you walk YOUR walk in life. But how do you so that? Ah, well, that's material for another blog. See ya next time!