The war inside of ME..

I have been having a rather off time this week. Super down and all over the place..

Images sourced from pixabay

I have come to the conclusion that it is my psychiatric meds not agreeing with me anymore.

See after I lost my mum I thought for a while I would be fine without my depression and anxiety meds.. unfortunately a few months later it was just not working out anymore and I was living in my bed almost 24/7 and just couldn't face anything or anyone other than my kids cuddles and my anchor of a hubby.

I took the bold step and made an appointment for myself and my eldest daughter who was also battling a lot since her Gran's passing with my childhood psyc.. (I am not fond of seeing him as I hate being medicated and labelled)

Rather anxious in the waiting rooms I nearly passed out and got really flushed stressing out about what was going to happen regarding me being off my meds and not seeing the psyc in soo many years (I always just got a refill from my local house Drs)

We entered the office.. turned out they lost my files (I felt very strange.. almost unimportant when this came to light)
Not long into our greetings I started with my typical mixing up of words in my sentences and blabbling like the last 10yrs crap to this guy as if he had the magic wand to wave my problems away lol. needless to say he said I need to slow down and he knew what was going on.

Firstly the medication that I had been on for years since the last time I saw him was only supposed to be in my system a few months and then changed as it has the side effects of weight gain etc.. all the symptoms I had been battling with the last few years. Secondly in one of the efforts to try get myself to grips I asked my house Dr to help me until I see the psyc,, turns out he had instructed me to gym daily and take a new kind of med for my anxiety and social phobia.. well, turned out these meds were melting my muscle mass away and the more excersize I did the more and faster the muscles deteriorated (I felt my heart sink in my throat at this point!)

Psyc Dr then decided both my daughter and myself indeed have ADHD as well as Bipolar disorder.. we left his offices with scripts for Concerta and SSRI's.. I have to admit that the first month went amazing! We both had energy to get up and face the world etc.. but THEN! the side effects started with a bang.

We both started facing severe headaches from the concerta in the early afternoons.. but if we didn't take our daily fix we just didn't cope through the days tasks. After a while of us biting this out I decided it is a load of crap and took us both off of the concerta but kept us on the SSRI's (my hubby says we are impossible if not on them haha)

My situation as it stands is a horrible one right now.. but I know there are many people who have much bigger issues at the moment that they are faced with.. but my aunt taught me a very wise saying (never judge how big another persons mountain is compared to yours, they are not living on your mountain)

See I love too easily and care too much for absolutely anything and everything.

One thing I had come to realise on my new SSRI drug is that I had taken in way too many animals and responsibilities for any super human to handle! I started re-homing most of our rescues and yes I cried my eyes out after they left us.

I am faced with the scenario now that I battle to face people everyday, tired 24/7, feel like an absolute idiot and loser,, making matters worse is when I sit and have a conversation I am concentrating so hard on what and how I am saying my words that my thoughts are never very good and original. It is like living in a shell trying to express yourself with bounds of exciting and new things but when you open your mouth there is just emptiness inside.. resulting in the utter most sadness taking over you like a darkest clouds in the skies.

As a holistic therapist the fact that my family "needs" SSRI's eats at me because it is against every single little thing I believe in and learnt.. but when I am faced with the "authentic qualified Drs" they have a way of making me understand that absolutely all and everything natural is a load of hogwash.

As a child I apparently had way too much flouride (not that anyone in their right mind should take it in the first place right) now I know how harmful this is to a person and have had my girls on holistic xylitol toothpastes almost all the time. Turns out my new SSRI's is a derivative of nothing other than flipping flouride!! This immediately explained to me why I am feeling like I am a complete monkey banana with the brain capacity of a potato.

Now.. I know the right thing is to leave these evil drugs.. but am so scared of the withdraws etc.. that I am faced with a catch 9 situation. If I contact the psyc all that will happen is he will write another script out for other drugs (probably worse than what I am currently on now) and tell me that I am not qualified in deciding the right treatment for myself.

So guys.. I am very forgetful, all over the place and in eeyore mode most of my days.. bare with me as I face this huge obstacle on my course.

On the upside.. I found the most AMAZING!! excersize machine that I like need to buy yesterday for us lol but hopefully soon enough the funding will be available for me to click the "buy" button haha.

Love you all ♥♥
@canadian-coconut
@sammosk
@metzli
@kaylieg