How To Frighten a Whale Away and Be a Broke-Ass Blogger Forever
Most will attempt to teach us how to catch a whale.
Those people are full of shit and their tricks don't work.
What is a whale?
Well, contrary to popular belief and science, a whale is actually a wealthy individual human. It's not a fish-like species of mammal; you've been told a lie.
Free Willy wasn't about a whiny kid and a dumb fish-like being. It was a story about a rich man who went to jail. Everyone knows that so please go back and relearn your history if you didn't know.
Getting a whale's attention is easy.
Many think all one has to do is be a brown nosing ass kisser.
Wrong!
Those people don't get far in life. Ignore them and if you can't, spit on them and kick them to the curb; we don't need them.
To get a whale's attention simply:
- Kick their Lambo.
- Call them names.
- Threaten them.
- Annoy the living fuck out of them until they flag (that means they like you).
Easy
So easy even a child can do it and we see children doing it here, daily.
Yes, some of them are grown-ass men who merely act like children but please, be patient, give them time; their balls will drop, eventually.
"But @NoNamesLeftToUse,"
"I thought this post was about scaring whales away?"
"Why are you rambling on about nothing?"
That's a damn good question.
I've been here nearly two years and a glaring majority of whales don't even know I exist. That was not easy to achieve but I think I'm finally ready to teach you how!
Use Red
Simple.
When a whale sees red, they don't charge like a bull. The exact opposite happens. They see red, they crack open a case of vodka, find a quiet corner in the dark somewhere, and leave everyone alone until it's safe to come out.
I've been using a lot of red over the past two years, I've shared a lot here today; whale repellent.
I'm so incredibly confident my one easy trick works effectively, I will be so bold as to claim before publishing:
This post will not trend today.
Congratulations!
Now you can, too!
Thank you for enjoying my tutorial today. I hope you've learned a lot.
Have a nice day!
As clearly illustrated above.
If I may , friendly suggestion
Not enough red pictures between text , please add more...
I have never watched a gif so many times!
Kind of makes me wonder what could be stuck up a whale's ass. Maybe they just need a good pull every now and again.
I think we can stop the science machine now !!!
@sift666
Don't tell me you didn't find it to be oddly satisfying. ....
You're right, I'm sorry. I should have placed one in between every word instead of using spaces. I'll try harder next time. I now realize the hundreds of hours that went into producing those images wasn't enough and I am incredibly ashamed of myself. Thank you for showing me the way.
That elephant gif is just WRONG.....
I don't like green anymore after that, we need a lot more red pics to sear it from my mind
I'm pretending it's not there.
I think if the poop was red it would be more scarier...thats just me though
Yep, you are probably right, plus it's a good point about the trending pages. I still have that image in my head though.
don't get discouraged , you are on the right path , just 10X more red pics
Red is my favorite color crayon. And marker. Not pen though, teachers ruined the red pen for me, spoiling my papers with their opinions.
I hope this comment was useful and helpful!
Poster for gender non-conformist? I'm not he or she, I'm RED!
Does a red check mark confuse you? They should have made those green. What the hell were they thinking? No wonder so many kids are fucked up.
I hope this response was something of value to the platform!
I know right?? Is it bad or good? I can't tell anymore, helpppp!!
I'm reddy
ouch.
I'm sorry, but ouch.
Still, you get an upvote for a terrible pun (not that my upvote's actually worth anything, but it's the thought that counts.)(yes, I did just say that about my own actions - got a problem with that?)
Astonishingly I have few problems with anything!
Here, I have given you an upvote though it's not worth much either -0)
nice corrections, was wondering what your comment meant but I figured reloading was a good idea. Autocorrect?
Arghh I should really go be productive now.
Yes indeed, autocorrect. I should really stop for a moment and read my replies before hitting post but I never do and then notice them once they post looking mostly like gibberish sigh one day I will learn
I can tell, because you have been trained, by a master.
And if that doesn't work, you can try a frontal assault like this guy who called out @donkeypong.
You should check it out, it is great satire.
Wow. The talking donkey got served.
The one up there of the little girl with her dad is one of my favorites - I like my sentimental interpretation and I refuse to accept a different one. :)
If only someone had decided to name them sharks, and then they'd be all over this red of yours.
If they were sharks, this place would be an even bigger bloody mess.
There is a whale out there with your name on it....
Whale watching on a mushroom trip? What's next? Acid safari?
What 😱?
...now I’m going out and attract some whales until they flag me.
Once they do, I know they like me. Than I start posting every single day, because if they like me, they will 100% upvote my post, right?
Am I correct?
I always thought it works the opposite way. I guess, I was wrong.
Nope, that's how it works. So easy. Too easy. Sorry about the part that involved Free Willy. I hope that didn't ruin your childhood memories.
well, you didn't say where it wouldn't trend today. big mistake.
To me that looks like it's trending, anyone disagree?
I know, I know... the lowest paid number one trending post is me... Don't rub it in.
Well, that explains everything!
All this time — without even knowing I was doing it right — we have been using RED Dragonfly as our name and we have a permanently RED logo/thumbnail, too.
And just to prove you're right, we have not had any whales come anywhere near us.
Isn't it strange how nobody noticed this strange phenomenon months ago!
The universe moves in strange and mysterious ways...