STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE..

Dealing with my depression while living with my cheating Gf...
Hmm stuck within a rock and a hard place. I can't say what I want to say cause it won't be fair or would it? I feel so angry, disappointed, hurt, even though its my fault i pushed it I should have known better. I feel so stupid to think that someone will surprise me and choose me! I can't even touch my wife without her crawling my skin sometimes, it's been a li'l over 3 weeks and I'm trying to be strong but I can't I feel soooo alone!! Even your so close to me. This pain hurts so much and I can't do nothing about it. You try to help but you can't u just make it worst. I try to put on a smile and be ok but its killing me to think that you hurt me so much. All you ever do really is hurt me ever since we were young and I still love you and want you. Funny how your emotions are? But things were finally different and we were happy for a long time until I made a stupid decision to give u away. I stood outside with my world crashing on me and no one cared!!!
How will I ever be ok. Will I be ok? Now I have trouble sleeping and nightmares and I still try to be ok. Go to work come home and act like I don't care when it really destroys me.. But I cant be unfair, nor selfish I just have to smile and wave. And to think that, you think I put you second place. Sigh.... I'm always second place with everyone. People only choose when they have nothing else. I hope I get over this but knowing me.. That might be hard.
Got up this morning feeling pretty good. Just cranky no sleep. Lol. She thinks I'm angry cause she talks to him, but I'm not. I'm just angry all the time,! I feel ashamed. What's so funny that I'm actually happy it happened since then she has been different, loving and compassionate. Im glad that she got what she wanted, Lol. But here what's funny the more I pretend to be good, the more deeper I go into depression and the more I express myself the deeper I go into aggression. What to do?? I don't know but right now I'm just taking it one step at a time.. Been feeling too drink a lot more though, guess that's how I deal with problems.
I woke up in a new home this morning at my wifes mother's house I'm going to be living here now. Though it doesn't feel like home, Im happy that she is home. I don't know how it will be but I can handle change, hopefully.. 2nights and still settling in tired but hard to sleep. I want to be close to her too you but how? I can't help but to feel lonely when I'm with you even though I love you too death.! But I'm feeling better. stronger in love with you.
While everyone goes to bed tonight I will be tossing and turning. replaying all the horrible shit that has been done to me in my life a time of reflection or emotional torture. Hmm your angry and fed-up of how I feel and she is starting to get aggrevated about the way I treat her But she will never understand how I really feel or how my mind works will I ever find someone who does? 😣 but one thing, I do know that no one will ever know me as much as her. Just wish she really knew the pain I have inside me bolling up. Let see if I could get some sleep tonight....... Just wish she wouldn't lie to me all the time and keep things from me!!!
Day 2 we had sex this morning though it wasn't the best, it did feel good to be inside her I think we both just wanted to feel a connection between us. Every time we have sex I think about it though.. Just ruins everything. But I try to be good for her act normal. The thing is I'm not vex bout what happened I'm mad about what didn't happened. Sigh sigh.........
I remember feeling alone for the first time in a long time! I was hoping that this would never happened but it did.. My fault.... those memory's haunt me all the time. feelings of depression and tears. But it's Monday she seems fine I should too and try not to feel like crap today. I'm so stupid thinking I was strong enough to deal with it. At least I could talk here, to myself.
Night 3 she is depressed, me to but I can't help her unfortunately because I Need help to. I remember all the times when I stayed up thinking about her constantly and can't have her and now she mine and I still really don't have her Where both home tonight and I don't know what's missing maybe it's me. Finding it hard to sleep lately everything just been freezing through my mind and I can't talk to anyone about it. Come on "MAN" try to get some sleep!!!
I got up this morning feeling like crap. I keep imagining a scenario that she didn't do it. It would have been romantic and I would have Been more rapped around her finger.... But it didn't sigh. At least this still brought us closer together, not the way I expected but still. We are both home today, I'm glad cause I love it when we're together, I hate to be home without her doesn't feel the same. It has something missing between us, we talk and keep the full truth from each other, just not to deal with our emotions. We talked today bout it she said everything I thought she would say. I hate the fact that I could see the truth in her eyes. I hate the fact that she doesn't know, what to do to help me. I understand now how people feel when they get cheated on. Insecure, not Good enough, powerless, like a failure, a loser.
I watch myself in the mirror and feel fat and disgusted who will ever wanna be with someone like me. Now I could add these feelings to the rest I have piled up. I don't feel good enough. Wow talked today she told me I can't trust her around him. The thing is I knew that. I could see it in her eyes. My hearts broken shattered to pieces. I sit at home and I feel broken, alone, my life feels like hell. She wonders if we should break up and part of me wants to, do I really deserve this. I've been such a good person In my life do I really need this? Someone who has always failed me when I needed them the most. My chest hurts constantly my head is in a mess. Hard to know that I can't trust her will ever be able to? If I didn't say anything today she would have easily cheated on me with a kiss or even more. I had alot opportunities to cheat but I didn't couldn't see myself with someone else. But now my thinking has changed and I want to open my feelings to someone else. I love her too death but I'm going to need back, everything this has taken from me. I don't know I'm just processing whats on my mind.
Your not feeling well tonight and I'm up alone, but at least I had someone to talk to, she kept me company and we laughed and talked I told her how I felt. She even gotten me to forget about everything. I think she likes me, naa probably not who could ever like me. Even though we talked most of last night into the morning. Something I used to do with you now I can't even get u to tell me few truthful words. I wonder if she is thinking about me. Hmm. I really looking forward to talking to her tomorrow.
Wow got up this morning feeling great. I mean not towards My wife , but I feel good, I hope it's not just a momentarily thing. I still hate that I can't trust her but we live and learn. Now I actually have someone else on my mind first thing this morning which weird but I'm fine with it. She wants me to come and meet her for lunch today but my wife is home.. blah.. Lol. She is feeling sick today but I don't know what to do, I wish we could of spend the day together but whatever..... She is in pain and some how I don't care, sometimes I don't think she loves me 100. She says so but.... All I keep thinking about If we didn't speak about it she would have cheated with a kiss or even more, then tells me how much she cares for me, I could never believe that NEVER!!.. But let her have her fun.. so what ever..At least I have some one to talk to. It's funny how fast I have someone to be there for me. She been kinda wondering on my mind all day. It's just infatuation on my part. Lol. My wife is still up so I can't speak to her tonight.

Should I really go back to not caring put up my wall. Leave her out of it even though we are married. She will be ok she won't even know it. Gosh she looks so she beautiful tonight just sitting there In her underwear and a t-shirt but my feelings won't let me connect to her. I'm crying inside. God plz let me get pass this. I feel like shit knowing that person you love. Feels for someone else wow I feel ugly. I'm trying my best to be alright..
This morning I woke up shity. I had the worst dream about her that made me get up feeling too cry and just end it all. I felt so hurt this morning but it was all dream. Not even my sub consciousness could give me a break. Sigh.. 😣😣😣. I hate my life I hate everything I can't even enjoy music with out thinking about what happened arghhhh. I think im just going to runaway from this place, from My wife, from my life, from everything... I think I might leave and never come back to her. I'm still so depressed. She doesn't really love me how could she I don't think I'm in love with her any more. I'm alone as always. How could some one say they love you but think about someone else. It hurts so badly. I haven't been here a while but who cares. She said she will make it up to me but hasn't done a single thing to prove it. I don't believe she might ever gain my trust again but it don't matter cause she ain't even trying. Even if she tries she would eventually get fed up. Lol. I'm not going waste my time even thinking about her. From today on I will just act ok. I don't expect anything from her.

I don't even care to wear my wedding ring. Some times I feel to leave just say good bye, start over. Maybe the next girl won't lie to me as much and just maybe she won't let me down all the time. Hopefully I can give her a fantasy and she won't catch feelings and leave me feeling alone abandoned and I could actually trust her... Well that's just maybe.. Lol. Let me try and to go to sleep I guess I will just cuddle like nothings wrong. Not like she really cares......
I thought having sex with you this morning would have made me feel better but it didn't. Actually I didn't feel any emotion towards you. I let down my guard once to try to give you experience that you always wanted even though it hurt like hell. What makes it worst that u have real feelings for him too. And lied to me about it. I won't be foolish and let down my guard, or my trust again. In the mean time I'm letting her have her fun. No more caring or feeling or pain just emotionless. I haven't spoken in a while, but this hurts so much I can't believe it. She doesn't know or understand how I felt and now feel like I'm going numb. She did the one thing that would break us up. She fell for some one.. We both know that feelings like that don't go away, it always stays unresolved sigh... I have to be going through this alone. In the mean time my wife is making this more about her everyday. Do you know what I consider "True love" to be, what we both shared, but all of it was a lie. True love doesn't have feelings for anyone else, everyone, everything else is just noise... That's how I felt with her, that's how Im able to go to the club and not care about any other girl..

But now I'm here to this point in my life, and I hurt more and more everyday. She thinks she loves me but not the way I thought not the way I wanted to be loved.! I fought so much went through so much pain just for someone to love me the way I wanted. I thought I found it I thought you were the one....... Thinking now I don't think I will ever be able to love life that again.. Another version of who I am changes again. I won't ever be the same.. Forever and ever might not be possible. I have been trying really I have, but I just can't seem to get this out of my head. I think it's because I put so much faith and trust, my fucking head on block for you even when people said don't. I still believed in us.. 💔

I just saw her kiss him most heart breaking thing I ever seen in my life. Her feelings are so strong she doesn't even know it..
Day 1.. 'Numb', I wonder if all all this she will see how much I actually do in this relationship. Hmm main fact that her feelings would grow stronger for him every day.I saw them shared a connection tonight, one that was for me and her but now she has a love. This is going to hurt me the most. I'm dying every day inside, I couldn't even "get it up" For her because of how close I saw them that night. Wow it was amazing to see someone I loved have the same sexual chemistry.
She can't hide from me. Let me just go inside and let them have there moment.. Again. Man I hate my self, to think this would have gotten better. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself... She said I pushed her to do it that she didn't want to, idk maybe I did, maybe I didn't. But I know that I would never have emotional bond or connection that I have with u any more, sex to me with u will be nothing but a lie and fake emotions
At least they both admit to me tonight that they have feelings for each, that's so sweet. Aww. What a loser.. I don't think I love her. I lost everything my soul my life my heart. She lost me when she had feelings for some one else.. Last night took the last of my soul I had left.. She sucked someone else's dick while I watch him and her. Her kisses were sensual just like she was kissing me.. But I didn't matter to her. Now her kisses would never matter to me. What I saw in her eyes was not love for me but guilt and fear... How could you kiss someone then think your kiss would matter to me. It was like kissing a stranger, even now!! Man I hate myself, why did u have to catch feelings for someone else am I not enough. Then i saw it, Someone else came on your face something I thought was for me only but I now see that nothing matters between us sexual or emotionally. I could never make love to you, watch you in the eyes and I say I love u without lying to myself, because sex is just object now. I have something inside that hard to control when I was around u, can't u see that my passion for u was strong no one could ever turn me on like you I just see you sometimes and melt.. But now... All I see is a Person. Nothing you can do could make up for this images are burnt in my mind like a curse I can't escape it. I know that every night that I will close my eyes I will be destroyed piece by piece And know will know it. You will close your eyes and sleep but I will be hunted... My trust in her is gone. My belief In her is gone. She lied to me again this morning when she was talking to him simple thing like that, like why do u take advantage of me so much do like such ass in front of u.
I have my demons inside me that just what to come out. I'm afraid what will happened the rage is coming over me I'm doing the best I can to control it. I have nothing in me but hate and I can't tell anyone especially not u I am truly alone. I can't believe I'm still thinking about how u feel. How stupid am I for you.. No more no more.... I wanna DIE!! KILL!! DESTROY.....
The anger is rising every minute I'm trying I really am to keep this down. I woke up thinking I could probably feel better today, but I'm still in bed can't move with pains of depression,
This is torture. alone and have no one to talk to, but me. I knew no one will be there for me when I'm up alone at night hurting. I can't close my eyes without seeing it, it is like torture. 😭😭. I tried to sleep naked beside her tonight but I couldnt it's to hard I just keep picturing him naked. I don't feel comfortable sleeping beside her naked. I have so much insecurities now, I feel ugly and not good enough in front of her. This place don't feel like home to me. I miss my old place. I have been trying my best to make it work with her. But I know there is nothing she could do to make up for the pain and sacrifice I had to go through. Even though I would never get live my fantasy. So no matter what I would always have this pain. I want to believe her everyday and trust her to but it's is so hard. I feel so alone inside even though your right besides me. I'm like a stranger. Hardly sleeping these nights can't figure out what to do. But I'm going to try to act like everything Is ok. She has so much to make up for.
I had to ask her "Is it me." Am I that bad to her. She just said "No your perfect but im not."