Day 3: Why we ignore the old & dying

My maternal grandmother died of old age on the 31st of December. She was the only grandparent I had. Well I had my paternal grandmother too but she was quite horrible. No really, I'm not some self absorbent prick.

Anyhoo, the last happy memory I have of my grandmother is of 13 years ago, at a cousin's wedding. Age had already started to kick in, she had trouble with every physical motion, but her eyes were so kind. She loved us, all of us. No matter how much her own children ignored her, she always had something to give, something to share, something to warm your heart with.

Why am I sharing this today? Because today I attended a ritual meant to bring her peace. I don't believe any ritual can bring peace after death, when life itself couldn't. Which brings me to the question: Why are people so uncomfortable with the old, frail & dying? Well at least in my country most are.

Perhaps it is to shield themselves, to begin snipping those ties of attachment that whip so hard when they finally snap after years of strain. But can you shield yourself from suffering? The only way to mitigate that is by sharing, not by cornering. She was suffering, yes. Deaf in one ear, multiple bone-related disorders, gradual organ failures and everything old age brings. But is 86 really that big a number? People live longer, happier, healthier lives. More than age, she was suffering of seclusion.

We left her. Except one of her sons with whom she lived, no one gave her the time she deserved. She raised four kids all on her own(her husband died very early), worked a job, and when she retired, lived and raised her kids off the pension she received. And yet two of her children didn't even visit her during her last month with us. How can you go through so much together and then just abandon someone?

I'm not some saint here. Looking back I don't think I ever thought about her. But I do think about my mother everyday. And hence this incinerating, painful realisation: Even brothers and sisters can casually shrug off responsibilities. Responsibilities catering to someone who made them what they are. I don't know why that happened, I never used to intervene in "adult" stuff, but I can't imagine abandoning my own mother. Yes the old get cranky, yes they demand attention and no, that is not the same as a child (read Shakespeare's The Seven Ages). You can't possibly compare a child to an old person. A child is a blank canvas, the attention it needs is out of curiosity. An old person knows a lot, its need is out of seclusion.

You can't possibly repay your parents. You can't. What they've done for you, you can't match it bit for bit. Is that why people just accept impending death and let it be? Giving up is a big problem these days. Patience is a virtue indeed.

It's easier said than done though. Photographs, calls, living with them, I don't know what will work for you. But for your sake, I hope you soon find it. I hope I myself soon find it.

Sometimes a gentle hand on your forehead is all you need. I was lucky enough to do that for my grandma, and I hope you too get a chance. Language is just a tool, its what you do that stays.

Update on 2nd January 2017

Turns out I bought a FitBit. LOL that is going well. At least I can analyse my sleep, fret over how "not good" it is and get caught in the circle.

Remembering 3rd January 2017

I honestly have no idea. New recruits in office. Rest all same old, same old.


PS: This is a series I'm trying to do. A brief history of me. I hope to analyse all these posts, in time, to learn my patterns and mistakes. Also, I try to remember the events from exactly a year before, just to see how seriously I take myself.