Things Need To Turn Around - Feeling Like Giving It Up

Everyone goes through hard times in life.

Pixabay

I like to think that my life will be like others that I've known or heard of: they struggle for a while then eventually things happen and life throws them a bone and they turn out just fine.

This is how things were for my parents, who struggled throughout most of my childhood.

They ended up getting divorced when I was around 9 or 10 years old.

My dad got married and found a nice, stable job. He recently bought a house mostly in cash and he's doing just fine.

My mom struggled as a single mother, working whatever job she could to make sure we had somewhere to live and some food on the table. She eventually got married again as well. Her and my step-dad struggled together for a good amount of years until eventually he found a good job. They ended up buying a house as well (my mom's dream: to be a home-owner). Shortly after that she was diagnosed with throat cancer and died.

My wife's parents have a story that is similar (at least at the beginning): they struggled when she was a child and eventually found a place in the world where they are now quite comfortably middle-class.

This, I figured, is the way of things.

When you're young parents, you still have to suffer through some hard times until you eventually slip into the right place for you in the world, because that stuff usually still isn't figured out yet.

But here I am, in my mid 30s with two kids and I still can't seem to manage to keep things together.

I'd like to think that things will turn around, but I also feel like if that was going to happen - it would have by now.

In reality, I'm probably destined to be relegated to the dregs of the "privileged" white male who must work himself to the bone with now thanks or even proper remuneration for skills and labor.

A big part of all of this is that I'm constantly trying to improve myself, but there's no tangable benefit to it.

I'm worse off financially than I was at 14 when I started working. I have more responsibilities and less ability to cover them.

It's enough to make me want to simply give up.

I just can't handle this. It's a dreadful excuse for a life. The best things in my life are the people who I constantly let down. I feel like I'm sticking around just so the people I care about will be able to have closure when they realize how much they have to blame on me for their own life.

That's about all.

@shayne