Lets get down and dirty...

See the girl in this picture? Would you believe me if I told you that she has a couple of different personas in that pretty little head of hers? I'm not talking multiple personalities, or DPD, but Bipolar. Here's some quick history, almost a year ago I was diagnosed with BP2, PTSD, Insomnia, and GAD with the possibility of ADHD, but I haven't been tested for that. I am on a few different medications to help equalize me, but sometimes things happen and I can't control anything, and the medications can only do so much!

There is not a psychosis with BP2 unlike BP1, so it is definitely of the less severe of the two and I am very lucky that it is the one I suffer from. Invisible illnesses are a funny little thing, someone will believe you and worry for you if you tell them you have heart disease, but if you have something like Bipolar, it is a struggle to get them to understand.

This is me at least twice monthly.

Yesterday was one of those days. When you suffer from a crash, those you love are the ones who always suffer worse, but a lot of times, with me at least, the things that come out of my mouth are things that I have always wanted to say. They have always been there, but I have never had the guts to say them. My crash can make me mean, it can make me lack empathy, and it will always make me cry for an entire day. Last night, I wrote this:

"In retrospect, it really could have been handled a different way.
In retrospect, I should have let you know I had things bothering me.
In retrospect, I should have known how you would handle it.
In retrospect, I lost my cool.
In retrospect, I didn't respect you enough during the situation.
In retrospect, I crossed the line.

I refuse to apologize, though. All I ever do is apologize. I'm sorry I hurt you, when it is me that is hurting. I'm sorry that I upset you, when it is me that is upset. I am sorry you had to deal with this, when I really just needed someone to deal with it with me. I am sorry that all my life, all I have craved is validation, and that has not gone away.

But I'm not sorry anymore. I'm not sorry for needing help. I'm not sorry for wanting validation for something I worked hard for. I am not sorry that I upset you, when it is I that is upset and you did not like what I had to say. I am not sorry I hurt you, when somethings are hurtful to hear, but need to be heard.

When we look in the mirror, we see a reflection of our outer self, but the reflection everyone should be looking at is their inner self. When you realize that your outer self is just the shell, you could be you with any other body, you start realizing that the things that make you you are the inner workings, and you start to protect them. You start to fight for them. You start caring about them.

Protecting your inner parts can be a sad game to play, you lose friends and loved ones, you become someone they hate to see, because you are no longer a lapdog, because you have found your voice and because you are tired of taking shit laying down.

People are going to blame things on your emotional state, never letting you be truly upset about something that is wrong, it is an easy out. It hurts. It hurts to have someone not truly believe your disorder exists, yet blame everything on it. Or to not believe that you have problems, that you are just dramatic.

When you spend your entire life getting fucked in the ass, and you finally put a stop to it, people pay attention, focus on the good attention, they are the ones who have always been cheering you on, but weary of how you go about your new found inner power, it can backfire just as quick as it can help."

Bipolar is a weird and evil little illness. It gives you this fake feeling of total power. You feel on top of the world, you don't ever want to come down, those around you need to be up high like you, how boring it must be to be so far down...until you realize that is where you are supposed to be all the time.

Along with Bipolar, comes a tendency to not know when to stop. I had to give up social drinking, because I would embarass myself, and even get violent with my husband. When they tell you that you shouldn't drink on mood stabilizers, you should probably listen. Another thing that is great and will level you out quicker than anything is marijuana. Never under estimate the benefits of that miracle plant.

I am very open about my illnesses, so if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask. And if you are a loved one are feeling at a loss, know you are not alone. Suicidepreventionlifeline.org or 1-800-273-8255

You are loved. You are intelligent. You are beautiful.