@Sykochica...what are you?
I'm Complicated!

The first half of my life, I tried to define myself using labels and the social dictionary, but nothing ever felt quite right. While I was able to find ways to fit in enough, to make things OK, I couldn't fully prescribe to any religion/spirituality, sociopolitical affiliations, or even my gender. This post focuses on my religious/spiritual journey with future ones perhaps delving more into the sociopolitical and gender journeys. It's not often that I actually talk about myself.

Before going to far...this is solely my personal thoughts, experiences and determinations. My 'working answers' are still on going, though in the end, the one thing I don't foresee ever occurring is moving myself away from agnosticism. While I personally find it important to know what I can't know...but this has only enhanced my desire to learn, test, study, care and progress my general understanding both from more traditional 'religious' view points as well as scientific.

I was raised in a reformed Jewish family by parents that wanted me to at least have the knowledge of Judaism, without ever cramming anything down my throat. (Thank you mom and dad! ) This left me free to determine and choose what parts made sense to me.

The problem I ran into was actually a fundamental piece of Judaism, that of being G-ds chosen people. This just didn't make sense to me because I could only fathom all people or no people being chosen by G-d, but not some subset. I also had a problem making sense of an anthropomorphized G-d (which I sometimes jokingly refer to as "dude in the sky theory.")

My logic being that an immortal being has no hunger, thirst, feeling of hot/cold, nor death...those are things only for mortals, because we have to pay attention to them or parish. How could an immortal with no need for food feel hungry. Even relationships with mortals are difficult to fathom, when the human life span is minuscule compared to the life of the universe/G-d. (I remember finding a scenario of this in the book God Emperor of Dune by Frank Herbert.)

I never really voiced this though, just continued until Hebrew school and Sunday school were completed. While I did pull concepts from Judaism such as being a good person, not intentionally harming others, and the importance of community, I didn't feel that the label of Jew could encompass my feelings of spirituality. I felt something was missing.

Eventually I found myself asking some of the bigger metaphysical questions including "Is there a G-D," which led me to study other religions including Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism and atheism. From these, I again pulled more concepts and practices like monism, skepticism, zen and mediating.

Still I couldn't ever fully prescribe fully to a label, always feeling something was missing. Years later after studying philosophy, physics, psychology and experiencing LSD, I finally realized it wasn't me that was lacking, the labels were. What I feel is what I feel, there's no argument possible, I just do. I started trying to explain the amorphous concepts of feeling and connection instead of focusing a single word or phrase to explain me.

Finally things started to feel right and make sense. I began enacting my personal philosophy including not doing anything with malicious intent, notice of and minimizing guilt (even when not intentional), and find what makes sense for others. To me the IDEALS of all religions were trying to achieve the same things; to know oneself, be good and put forth goodness, and to connect/harmonize with everything classified as "not one's self."

I no longer cared so much about how people labeled themselves, focusing on what they were actually doing with it. A good person is a good person, regardless of label of faith. The most use I found from labels was just knowing what vocabulary to maximize the likelihood of someone understanding what I was saying (along with posing questions to them.)

Now when asked "What religion I am," my best answer is that I'm either a member of all of them or none of them. I'm not sure yet. Regardless, I am what I am and it makes sense to me. However, some day when asked "What I am," I want to just answer..."I'm Complicated."

Image Sources:
Bumper Sticker Car
Dune Quote
Meditating