December 2000

Dec 5

Last evening as I cleaned my hamster's cage I noticed that she had a large swelling on her shoulder and it's making it hard for her to move. I noticed it only today because I hadn't been taking her out lately. She looked so sad and miserable! I burst out crying and could not calm down. Because it is my fault! I haven't been paying much attention to her at all! I cried so hard and it felt almost as if I had killed someone. I was very angry with myself. Mum saw her and got worried too. We took her to the vet today.

After waiting for an hour, the doctor saw her and said that she will drain the contents of the swelling. She went to get a syringe and left me holding the hamster. She is so cute after all! I regretted not playing with her more often. Then the doctor took her from me and jabbed her with the syringe, drawing a lot of blood out of the swelling. I thought that was it and got almost happy. But the blood would not stop pouring out of the lesion the syringe had created. The doctor kept wiping it off and started pouring something in the hamster's mouth. She vomited it out and kept growing weaker. It was very scary and painful to watch. I started tearing up. I could not really hide it. Long story short, she stopped moving and the doctor, at about 1030 am, said that my hamster isn't breathing. I started crying more and the doctor continued to poke her. I could not take in what was happening. The doctor must have felt very awkward.

I decided not to take the hamster back home. I thought that if I had to bury her myself, I would not be able to stop crying and I could not look at her anymore. I did not want to bawl my eyes out at the vet's. I went on to cry for about an hour in my bed at home. I felt like a murderer! Maybe, if I was more responsible, I would have noticed it earlier. For some reason mum got a bit teary too. I have dreamed quite a few times about the hamster lately! The night before she was very cute and I was about to pet her. Last night, the dream was that she had got some cream on her back and he was getting better. Maybe the doctor shouldn't have had drawn the blood. But perhaps it was still better for the hamster to have had it ended. She really was suffering because of me. Maybe I'll get a new pet on my birthday. I should be more responsible this time...

She passed away because a lot of blood was accumulating in the swelling in her shoulder and failed to reach all of her body - that's why her leg was hardly moving. When the blood was drawn out, she did not have enough blood left in her.

On Thursday, I had got stomach ache at school and it turned out to be my period it was about the second time since the start . The whole day I had that stomach ache. I was so angry about it! Why do not boys get it? It's so not fair. The next day the stomach didn't hurt anymore and I was relieved by that. Still, it is hard to hide the crime scene evidence at home.

I have an underwear problem! I need some new pairs and Mum would not buy them for me. I asked her but she is telling me to wear the "pretty" blue ones with lace that she had bought for me some time ago. And that she won't buy me more. Why should it be so hard? I really don't understand her. And I could never wear those "pretty blue ones"! I could not conceive of myself in the underwear aisle buying them personally. The idea of it was utterly mortifying.

Dec 12

There is not much happening so I am going to describe my current mood. There 3-4 days I have been thinking about... What do you call this? Teenage thoughts. That is, I think a lot about what I look like, jewellery, Mary-Kate and Ashley, Australia, and Thailand there were plans to go to Thai for the winter holidays . I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror. I cut my fringe a little. I've been asking mum to cut the back hair for me. It's a pity I cannot do it myself. To be prettier, I am making jewellery (on Sunday I've made earrings and two bracelets).

Mk&A! It's so good to be twins! Some people are so lucky! My English teacher Jenny is going to America soon and I am going to ask her to buy me their video and a calendar.

These nights I can barely sleep. That is, I need to think about stuff for about half an hour before falling asleep. I remember Australia. It was so good there! I loved it. I am glad I have some photos and my journal to help me keep the memories. In regards to Thai, I draw beautiful pictures of it in my head. I picture myself wearing pretty camisoles and walking down the beach or at the pool side. Last night I even had this crazy idea! What if parents make friends there with some Russian family and they'd have a nice boy around my age and we could become friends too! When I think about this, I imagine us walking on the beach and talking about something. The sun is setting down and the ocean is orange in colour. I am wearing a skirt and a camisole and have my hair down, it streaming on the breeze. You must think it weird, since I hate boys! See, I hate them because they are pervs and don't wash their hands. Otherwise it's ok. Although I'd feel shy, of course. But it's going to be fine. I'll be able to brag about it later. Haha. I am describing this as if it's really going to happen. Likely not. But it's fun to fantasise. It really would be cool if it does happen like this. If I ever have to fall in love and get married, I need it to be romantic (I am not going to fall in love for now yet). In regards to the camisole. I wanted to wear them for a long time now. They look good on me. But I couldn't do it for a particular reason. I have come up with a great idea yesterday. I just need to buy a zipper to make it properly. I already sewed one up (like a compression tube top ) but I was not able to take it off myself and ended up cutting it apart. It looked great. Need to go the the shops asap! I will be able to wear everything now.

About school. It's freezing! Especially at the PE class. During each class we run about 3 km and I get extremely tired. But afterwards we get to play volleyball and it can get very fun.