How To Stop Blaming Others And Win At Life

You've heard of the "Blame Game", haven't you? It's a game where the search for someone to blame is always successful. It reminds me of a quote by Bertrand Russell. The quote says - "Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame". You've got to admire the farsightedness of the man. Today, the practice of blaming others has become a routine activity in our mundane lives. We are constantly blaming somebody for our problems - people, circumstances, life and even god! In this article, we'll analyse the reasons why we play the blame game, why blaming others never works and how to stop blaming others and start taking responsibility.

 

5 REASONS WHY WE PLAY THE BLAME GAME

 

1. It is easier to blame somebody than to take responsibility

We are programmed to run away from blame. The golden rule of the blame game is you'd rather be the blamer than the one to be blamed. To be blamed is seen as a sign of insult. As a result, we don't like taking ownership of our mistakes.

Instead, we look out for somebody else to blame so that our self-esteem & reputation is intact. It is easier to find faults in others than to self-introspect, accept our own fault and change so that we don't make the same mistake again.

For example, parents find it easier to blame the social circle of their child for their child's wrong-doings instead of analysing whether there's a problem in their parenting and if they know their child well-enough.

 

2. We like playing the victim

Psychology says that many of us like indulging in self-victimization. When we blame somebody else for our problems, we avoid all accountability on our end. We play the victim and find solace in the fact that whatever wrong has happened in our lives has nothing to do with us. It's a false sense of "peace of mind" that we delude ourselves with.

In this delusional world of ours, we're always right and it's the world that's been unfair to us and owes us an apology. The reason behind this delusion is our lack of courage. To man up, acknowledge one's wrong choice and face the consequences requires balls and people who play the blame game clearly don't have them.

 

3. We are liars

Why say the truth and risk the wrath of an army of blamers when you can lie and shift the blame on somebody else without getting caught? Now, this is a smart psychological game that we play. When we know we've fucked up, the first thing we see is if anybody has noticed us fucking up.

And when the answer to that is a no, then all we got to do is find a person who can be blamed. This person is also called the scapegoat. A scapegoat takes the fall because the blamer is afraid of facing the consequences of his actions himself.

 

4. We expect life to be fair

Life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs. That's just how life is, there's nothing fair or unfair about it. However, we have this distorted idea of fairness. We can't digest anything that is unpleasant. We can't accept things going wrong.

So to keep our 'self assumed righteousness' intact, we choose to blame somebody else for the bad that happens in our lives. This way not only do we stay ignorant of the fact that something bad happened to us (because it may be our fault) but also we remain infallible in our heads.

 

5. We rationalise every issue

We have a tendency to find logical explanations for everything. When something goes wrong, we want to get to the root of the issue and understand why it has gone wrong. We need a closure to everything. So when an issue is unavoidable and out of our control, it makes us feel overwhelmed & uncomfortable as we are unable to find closure.

That closure comes to us if we get to blame somebody for the mishap. We work with a mindset where we assume that if there's an issue then there has to be someone at fault, failing to understand that sometimes unfortunate things happen and there's nothing we can do about it.

 

5 REASONS WHY BLAMING OTHERS NEVER WORKS

 

1. It makes our life stagnant

It's a fact of life that failure is our greatest teacher. We learn from our mistakes when we accept them and transform ourselves so as to not go down the same road again. This way we evolve into a better version of ourselves.

However when we constantly blame others for our failure, then we refuse to accept our contribution to the failure and avoid taking responsibility for it. Hence, we don't learn anything as we're comfortably seated in our imaginary La-La Land where we can do no wrong. We, as a result, stay in a stagnant state and lose the opportunity to progress in life.

 

2. It gives others the power to control our lives

Blaming is basically saying someone else did it and not you. So by blaming others, we let them control our lives. We give them the authority to make us feel whatever they would like us to feel - embarrassed, disappointed, or like a complete failure.

You'd rather take accountability for your mistake, learn your lesson and guide your life towards the direction you want rather than blame somebody else for it and give them the power to shape your life.

 

3. It turns us into a victim

The blame game can be dangerous. It can transform you into a person who lacks the spine to own up to his mistakes. By blaming others, we become victims in our heads and hold external factors responsible for the sad state we live in. As a result, we become meek, underconfident and have low self-esteem.

We lose that spark of optimism and energy that can turn things around for the better. And that just pushes us into a black hole of hopelessness and negativity.

 

4. We fail to find solutions

By investing all our time and energy in blaming somebody else for a problem, we fail to find a solution to the problem. We start analysing the problem just to find a way to protect our selfish asses instead of seeing it as a bigger entity that requires solving.

We wait for others to take action as we feel that they got to solve the problem since they are responsible for it. This kind of behaviour makes us petty, self-absorbed and annoying.

 

5. We become pessimistic about life

When we indulge in the blame game, we hold someone else responsible for our misfortune and failure. We enter a negative space of mind where we're only thinking about what went wrong, how circumstances were unfair to us and how people cheated us and didn't do things for us as they promised.

We become bitter about life and develop a pessimistic vibe around us. This negative attitude makes us isolated as no one likes to be around a person who's constantly cribbing about everything bad that's happened to him and how life sucks.

 
HOW TO STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR PROBLEMS

 

1. Take Responsibility

We as people like playing "damsel in distress". So we're constantly looking for a saviour, a guardian to relieve us of our suffering. This way somebody else does the hard yards for us. And so if anything goes wrong it's someone else who is to take the blame, not us.

After all, why take risks and possibly face failure when we can pass the baton of responsibility to others? What we don't realise is by giving them the responsibility of our lives, we are also giving them the power to control our lives. This is the reason why gurus, politicians and religious extremists thrive.

We are indirectly serving them our freedom and liberty on a plate which they can use (or misuse) according to their convenience. What's the point in living a life where everything is controlled by external factors and you aren't in the driver's seat of your own life?

To avoid this, become responsible. Take responsibility for your actions/decisions and gain control of your life. Become the creator of your own destiny instead of regretting why you let external factors decide your fate. As a result, you'll stop indulging in the petty blame game and instead focus on how to change for the better.

 

2. Become aware of your blaming behaviour

The primary step to solve a problem is to acknowledge that it exists in the first place. Similarly to get rid of the tendency to blame others, we got to become aware of our blaming behaviour.

Make a conscious effort to recognize the exact moment when you are about to blame someone and then stop yourself (from acting on impulse), take a pause, reflect and make another choice.

Become aware of the manner in which you talk to people and check if you're blaming somebody or is your tone that of a victim. This awareness will help you escape the vicious circle of the blame game.

 

3. Understand the problem

Most of the times we blame others due to our inability to understand the problem. We react to a problem based on our finite knowledge and pre-conceived notions about things. We function on a fixed set of beliefs and become overwhelmed & uncomfortable when the solution to the problem doesn't fall in the domain of our beliefs.

So our mind tries to manipulate us by rejecting any information that goes against our thought process and therefore, acts as a hindrance in solving the problem. The key is to not get emotional and react but understand why a problem has occurred so that you can solve it.

Recently, an Indian Zomato delivery guy was named and shamed in the media for eating a portion of his customer's food before delivery. Now instead of reacting to the incident and firing him, if Zomato tried to understand that he did it out of hunger, empathized with him and just fined him with a warning, then the delivery guy wouldn't have had to face the amount of humiliation he actually did.

 

4. Place yourself in their shoes

Life is not just black and white. There are grey shades to it as well. When somebody harms you, try analysing if it was intentional or accidental. Many a time, we lose objectivity of the situation because we are approaching it with a personal bias.

Place yourself in their shoes and then take account of the situation at hand. Be empathetic. See where the other person is coming from and question yourself - "Would I have done anything differently?"

Everything isn't always right or wrong so stop looking for who's wrong and how can you blame somebody. Sometimes things are just the way they are and you can't do anything about it. Accept it, take it in your stride and move on.

 

5. Take ownership of your mistakes

It's better to keep your ego aside, own up to your mistake and work towards self-improvement rather than waste your time looking for a scapegoat. The former gives you a clear conscience while the latter gives you a false sense of authority.

Excess ego only kills relationships. Admitting your fault won't make you a smaller person. If only, it enhances your image as a person who takes charge of the situation and has the courage to learn from his mistakes and move on. Taking ownership of your mistakes helps people build trust in you and respect you as an individual.

Embrace your mistakes and ask yourself - "What lesson did I learn from this?". It might be difficult initially but you'll get comfortable with the process eventually. The takeaway from it all? Pain from the mistake may be temporary but the lessons learned will be valuable for life.

 

CONCLUSION

The blame game is a game where you'll never win. So stop blaming others for your problems and take the blame for your actions but remember to not get too comfortable on the couch of self-pity. Playing the innocent victim isn't winning you brownie points in life. You're responsible for everything that happens to you.

Remember two things in life. Respect yourself enough to have the integrity to admit your fault and learn from it. Value yourself enough to treat the mistake as a life lesson not let the blame get to you. Be kind & loving towards yourself. After all, there's just one you!

I'd like to conclude the blog with a humorous quote by Jeff Gitmor - "Blaming others for your problems is like blaming donuts for being fat. It wasn't the donut, it was the choice."

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