Love & Illness

You know, I am always surprised when the words “My girlfriend” come out of my mouth; or even “I'm in a relationship.” Because it doesn't feel like it. It feels like so much more. It's not enough to call her my girlfriend. It's not enough to say I am in a relationship. That doesn't do it justice.

How can I begin to describe it? It's hard to break it down in a way that isn't cheesy, and for people who haven't found this kind of love understands.. but lets try. Stay with me here...

When Livi came into my life, I wasn't looking for anything serious. In fact, I was looking to date around, a sexual partner here or there. I had left my partner of 2 years in February of 2017, and I was content to believe that if I wasn't able to settle down with him, then I would never find someone.

I have always hated the idea of marriage. I came from a divorced family. Love is shady and it makes way for hurt. The best way you can give someone power over you is by loving them. And I am lesser to none.

Lets paint the backstory by saying I was a messed up kid, and a messed up lover. No one has ever been able to handle me. No one has been able to keep my attention long enough for me to even want to settle. I spent the majority of my life alone. Not in a “im so emo loner cool” way, but in a “My mental illness and eratic behaviors drove away every possible friend I ever encountered” I had been damaged, and was damaging.

So I had come to the conclusion, I never wanted to marry, I would never want more children, I would never live in the same room as my spouse, and would 100% be happy never living with a lover again.

I started a dating profile over the summer as a way to ease my insecurities. The one person I had been hooking up with was having trouble meeting all my needs, especially as we were not serious or dating. I thought if I dated other people, got enough attention elsewhere, that it would be a relief for him and I can keep him longer. (more on that later.)

I began, half heartedly, talking to people that I, honestly, didn't even find attractive, only acceptable. I met my current girlfriend through someone I met that way. (A messy situation and probably interesting story.)

I'm going to fast track through the fluff and get to the point. She was... different. I expected to be awkward around her, like I am with everyone, but it never happened. I expected to scare her, like I do everyone; but I didn't.

Livi was like me. If you believe in the phrase “Twin Flames” you can see it like that. There were parallels in our lives, from parenting, childhood, trama, all the way down to mental illness. For once in my life, I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel isolated, like no one could ever really know the monster I really was. It was like this lifelong weight had been lifted from my chest.

I told her I love her on the second date.

Funny enough, she said it back.

We've been together a few months and already plan our future. But not in a “moving too fast” way, but actual real plans. I know that this is where I belong, this is who I am supposed to be with. Any other time I have been in love with someone, it was so overwhelming, almost intoxicating; and a flame that burns twice as bright also burns twice as short.

With previous lovers it used to be we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It was the thralls of passion. It was that no matter how much time we spent together, there needed to be more, faster. My thoughts would be consumed in every waking moment. When I kissed them, I felt my heart pound and my sexual organs heat up. But when that stopped happening, I would get bored. I started to notice their annoying flaws. My emotional needs were never met. They had trouble handling me and my strong emotions and chaotic mind. If I was having a panic or anxiety attack, being in their arms would calm me down. It was hard and fast.

Livi's love wasn't intoxicating. It was warm, and sweet. When she takes my hand, I feel comfort instead of passion. When she kisses me, there are butterflies instead of heat. When her hands are on me, it feels like home. She is so much more than carnal desire and lust. She understands me in ways I have never had been before. She is patient with me. I can look at her and see her flaws and her “annoying” behaviors. Except instead of bothering me, they are endearing, and make me smile (with an occasional eye roll.) When we have fights or hurt the other, we can talk, openly, and the other one understands and works on the behavior instead of getting mad at the other.

At first I thought I finally found someone who can handle me. But, I was wrong. Livi made me realize that I don't need to be handled; I need to be understood. I don't need to suppress my emotions, I need to control them. Instead of critisizing and getting upset with me when I don't understand or have too many emotions, she helps me and guides me so I can learn to do better. When I have an anxiety attack, she doesn't become a crutch to my mental health. She's calming instead of the resolution. She isn't my every single waking thought, but she is always in the back of my mind. I don't have to worry that she will break up with me after every unreasonable fight. Some fights can just be fights... they don't have the be the end all; I don't have to worry about her leaving me just because we had a spat. She doesn't complete me, because I am a complete person without her; but she compliments me as my weaknesses are her strengths.

Livi is healthy. Which is amusing given the fact we are both incredibly mentally screwed up. But I find myself, not wanting to improve to keep her; but wanting to improve myself bc it is what she deserves.

There are so many little differences in this love that I have found and my previous ones. It's built in a way that I will never tire of. Its understanding and support. Its growing together, but not as a couple, but as two individuals who are compatible.

Livi isn't a girlfriend. She isn't my best friend. Livi isn't my relationship. She's the one who I can face the world with; face my monsters with, face myself with.

She is my partner.