Where I'm at in Life Today
I can't say things are going good and I can't say things are going bad. Compared to last year doing my little bid, things are phenomenal! But.. I really can't compare my life to being at the lowest possible human level you can experience. I really can't complain.
Am I happy right now? Fuck no! I'm hurting like hell because I miss the woman who sparked fire in my heart, who I lost because I didn't know how to treat her properly. She loved me intensely and I didn't know how to handle it. Things became toxic. Neither of us knew how to maintain a healthy relationship. She probably knew better than I did tho. I finally got the freedom I asked for but I paid a hefty price for it. I didn't know how much I would suffer. Not sure which outcome is best but I miss her like someone tore a limb from me. I try to tell myself its a chemical imbalance and that this shit will all pass but I can't help but feeling like I'm lying to myself just to get by and thinking the longer that I wait without doing anything the further away my chances become of ever making things right. I can't stop thinking about her.
I would ask her to leave me alone all the time because I was selfish and stupid. I thought I wanted more time to do my own shit. Online bullshit like trading stocks, cryptos, poker, sports betting, surveys, chatting with strangers online or hangout with other people in real life. All of this seems meaningless now compared to what I lost.
Our last face to face was at Flanni's about a month ago. Where she very firmly and assertively told me to fuck off pretty much. Normally I'm the one that does the parting of ways without giving it much after thought but the feeling of losing someone that you have a history with is what's difficult for me. If its someone I just met or whatever I don't get attached. Its the people you've grown with that hurts the most.
Do I still have issues? Yes. Will I always have issues? Probably. I've considered getting help but at the end of the day it doesn't seem practical enough to me. In the sense that I don't have time to sit there and pay someone to listen to me mope. Its just not my MO. This shit here has always been, "Get Money, Keep it Moving". Guess you can say I have a fear of commitment, but apparently an even bigger fear of abandonment. How's that for complicated. What is my solution? I have to stay busy. Be friendly and outgoing and have a good time everywhere I go and connect with others some more. I would like chatting with similar minded individuals but also with people with different purposes and views on life.
Maybe writing about it will help me with the pain. Maybe sharing this will have some benefit. I really don't care if anyone even reads this, but I need to do something to help myself with the pain of loss. My heart feels like its been pummeled, from morning til night. I have to pull away and go away. Showing up with flowers uninvited isn't going to fix anything right now although I want to see her so badly. I should pull away until my birthday at least. Zero contact. Disappear.
What I miss the most is just being in my room watching late night tv together, sleeping together, knowing she was always there for me. Her love. Why was I such a piece of shit?