Midnight Musings

Bear with me while I wax “cynic-sophical.” Do not read if you are at all a romantic.

The idea of lasting romantic love partnerships is a construct of “modern society” that is indoctrinated from birth. It’s idealized and placed on a pedestal as the most prized accomplishment in life, and judged as failure without it. It’s almost as if like rats going through a maze to get to the cheese, we are fed the love script which is supposed to lead to the ultimate happily ever after, everywhere we look...it’s what it means to be successful in life: love and money (but that’s another topic).

No one questions that relationships are hard, and take work. Yet, they are often also utterly miserable, with a questionable pay off. But so many believe that life is meant to contain some misery, it’s deserved, and so they put up with it. They may be past the initial honeymoon phase and in the daily grind, cranking through the time together as two very unique and clashing personalities. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Personally, I can’t think of one person who I’d like to spend nonstop time with, who meets all my needs for companionship and fulfills my every desire. Except for me. It would suck to be me if that was not the case.

I was a romantic. I used to look longingly at wedding dresses and my favorite film genre was romantic comedy. I was flowing along, asleep in the matrix game as it is designed to work.

As time passed, and I didn’t follow the “normal” path, even though I really tried, I felt less than. What was wrong with me? Why haven’t I been chosen? Why has the person I thought I loved, the person I created children with, not only never proposed to me, but laughed off my proposal?

I continued to meet new people and start creating bonds, only to watch as they each turned to sand through my fingers as I tried to hold onto them.

I used to see someone with a wedding band and think how lucky they are they found their person. But now when I look around at the relationships of almost all the couples I know...I’m starting to see that metal ring as one half of a handcuff.

Perhaps there’s a reason why the word “ship” ends relation, companion, and partner. These are like ships passing, weathering storms, making it through but a little, or a lot more worn, and maybe even having had a lot of liquid (alcohol) to get them through it. Perhaps there’s a reason why I didn’t go down that path, maybe I’m the lucky one.

The tradition and programming placed upon us to always be looking for love and then once found keeping it, was passed down, but when I stop to question it, could it be just another way we are manipulated to stay small and powerless? To stay embedded and complacent in the system, slave to the matrix? If we are focused on external “true love,” an impossibility, what are we NOT focused on? My god, the drama and agony of love, lust, and longing is utterly draining! It saps life force. Because no one is equipped to integrate another. It takes substance abuse, settling, self-neglect, emotional manipulation, denial, and/or abuse of power to try though. Not only are we never taught how to relate from a practical standpoint, it’s simply not part of our programming to find a person to partner with forever and that be the answer to anything, because we are already integrated and whole, a self-sustaining unit.

And this is the nature of the matrix game — being born as a specific gender, engineered to interlock with the other gender for physical primal low vibrational pleasure (and procreation which is another life force drain) when could it be that outside this matrix we are actually neither male nor female? What if to win this matrix game it’s about feeling united within? Remembering it’s all within, and not getting sucked into the ruse that is “love” or the delusion that “I have this person to love so at least I can be seen as a success (even though I’m unhappy).” Because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Yet within is so vague. Till you keep visiting it. Keep going back in there even as the outside world bangs pots and pans — with news, lust, ego strokes, competition, money, to do lists, stuff to buy, other people’s drama, other people’s needs — all to get your attention away from you. Chop wood and carry water, but keep visiting within. Then the within becomes the truest love that could ever be felt, a constant companion and one with you always. You’re never alone. Then other people are not required, they are a delightful part of existence, held with an open hand to pass like ships do. Anyway this is where I am in my evolution and my current take on this topic. I’m interested in anyone’s thoughts on the subject. Thanks for reading.

• by Clare Alohi 12-08-18 (posted with permission and unedited)