True Love or (Romeo and Juliet are bad role models)

Finding true love is like catching a falling star; it ain’t gonna happen. There are seven billion people on the planet. 99.999% of them will never know you exist, wouldn’t care if they did, and many actively want you dead just because of the country you were born in. If true love exists, statistically speaking, your soul mate lives in China.

It all started with a pair of star crossed lovers named Romeo and Juliette. These two retarded teenagers had more undiagnosed personality disorders than the characters in Twilight. Romeo was co-dependent as fuck. He fell in love with every girl who looked at him for more than two seconds. Romeo was in love with this tart named Rosaline but starts stalking Juliette after seeing her at a Halloween party. Juliette totally busts him peeping in her window. Juliette has severe borderline personality disorder so red flags are like Cupid’s arrow to her. Plus her whole family hates Romeo’s family almost as much as Juliette loves pissing off her dad. They immediately decide to get married and Romeo knows a priest named Lawrence who is shady enough to agree to marry two kids. The next day Romeo and his homeboy Mercutio bump into Juliette’s cousin Tybalt. Tybalt is pissed because Romeo crashed his Halloween party and starts a fight. Tybalt kills Mercutio since Romeo didn’t want to fight, then Romeo winds up fighting anyway and kills Tybalt. Instead of pumping the breaks after her cousin is murdered, Juliette just keeps on rolling with the bad decisions. Juliette comes up with a plan that could only be hatched by someone with full swing bipolar mania to fake her own death by taking some roofies she got from the priest who really needs to be investigated by the authorities. Romeo didn’t get her text about the plan because his prepaid cell phone was out of minutes so he thinks she died. When he hears she died he scores some poison and goes to her grave. This dipshit named Paris who Juliette friend-zoned is at her tomb so Romeo murders him too and then kills himself. When Juliette wakes up she kills herself too.

The ancient Order of the Ovaries heard about the story while watching “The View” and thought it was the greatest love story since Lolita so they started using it as a goddamn relationship guide for teens. A more appropriate term for what we call “True Love” is “Obsessive Love,” and it isn’t healthy.

The biggest problem with true love is that it sets unrealistic expectations. Another person isn’t going to “complete” you. You are who you are. The only thing going to fill that void in your life is therapy.

There is no such thing as love at first sight. The only thing you can tell by looking at a person is whether or not you’d do the mattress tango with them. That isn’t love; it’s horniness.

True love makes people stay in unhealthy relationships way past their expiration date because they think they are supposed to be with that person. You aren’t. Cut the cord and find someone you can get along with.
You know that gushing feeling you get when you stare into the eyes of your one true love? That ain’t magic; it’s a peptide your brain produces to strengthen bonds between people called Oxytocin. You can actually order Oxytocin off the internet. Eventually, that love spigot in your brain is going to turn off and you’ll be left dealing with the reality that your friends were right and Sally Snowflake might be a crazy ho.

If you need that special someone for approval and a sense of identity, that isn’t true love. That is co-dependency. Someone else can make you smile, but they can’t make you happy. Only you can do that. If you put that burden on someone else they are guaranteed to fail.

When a dog freaks out when their master leaves the house and spends half the day waiting at the window and the other half tearing up the couch it’s because they are afraid you are never coming back. When humans do it, it’s because they have abandonment issues.

This is the best news you will hear all day. Don’t cry because the universe forgot about you and didn’t offer up that person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. They don’t exist. You are unburdened from the impossible task of finding that perfect someone. You only need to find someone who doesn’t piss you off too much.

This post is part of my ongoing Girlfriend Survival Guide series, which I will eventually publish as an e-book. If you have any suggestions for this post or topics you would like to see covered I'd love to hear about it.

Sources 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,