Modern Dating, Commitment Fear & Ethics (free first date guide download)

timray (26)in #love • 7 years ago (edited)

We live in an age where there are so many dating options, and no one seems to want to commit. There are more ways to meet people than ever before, and yet more and more we’re staying single and casually dating. There’s even a name for it --”the hookup culture.”

Is that a bad thing? Before I get to that answer, consider our recent past.

Our parent’s parent’s parents got married early, likely slept with very few people before meeting their spouse and for the most part stayed together until death.

Aziz Ansari, in his book Modern Romance, put it like this, older generations met their mate within a few blocks of where they lived (or even in the same apartment building). Their parents were introduced to their new love on the first or second date, and within 6 months they were married. They didn't start off in-love so hot it could boil a pot of water like we expect today. They simply just needed the proverbial pot of water, and the two of them would get the love hot over years of work as they began to check off the boxes of life, such as they were conditioned to do...

☑ HS
☑ college
☑ marriage
☑ new home
☑ two new cars
☑ children
☑ retirement
☑ death…. It’s like there’s this ticking clock that causes us anxiety if we’re not doing all of these things “we’re supposed to be doing” as quickly as possible.

Our parent’s parent’s parents lived to collect things, build a family, and then have someone to leave their belongings to. Now, we live longer, have more information at our fingertips, are perhaps more self-aware, and we want to make this life count, because for all we know it’s our only chance “at bat,” as Gary Vee would say, so make it count.

Our generation is more interested in collecting experiences, like what you might see on TV where people are traveling the world, climbing the tallest mountains, backpacking through Europe, and for most people, sleeping with more partners than our parent’s parent’s parents ever imagined.

How many current 85-year-olds have gone skydiving in their lifetime? I don’t know the actual statistics. However, I believe it’s safe to say we live in a time where it’s much more common for young people today to have had experiences like this and much more.

Whatever you can imagine doing, there’s likely an opportunity to do it if you set your mind to it. Consider this... We have higher expectations for what constitutes a satisfying life, more means to make it happen, and we live longer. So why should we rush to settle down and build a family before we’ve felt we’ve accomplished some number of bucket list items and truly feeling we’ve lived?

It’s like we’re self-aware to the point that we live in reverse compared to our great-grandparents. We live hard and then, just maybe, we meet someone in the process whom we want to spend the rest of our life and start a family with, assuming we’re young enough to do so at that point.

If we rush into marriage too quickly, we risk growing apart and then divorce. Before now, there was much more emphasis on reproducing. Now with birth control and longer lifespans and more options in life, reproducing isn't as important early on, so marriage isn't as much of a priority.

How many people reading this have parents who have been divorced once, maybe more recreating at least in part the life path of their parents? Do you think perhaps they were trying to fit themselves into the mold that they were conditioned to believe was the right way to live, checking off those iconic boxes of life, without first asking themselves what do they really want out of life in order to feel accomplished?

Things really have changed though. Today, we don’t have to settle down early, and we can instead find time for discovering self-love.
In the process, we have the opportunity to heal, abandoning all the emotional hangups like insecurity and co-dependency that only worsens when rushing into a relationship trying and fill some void.

On the other hand, how many people reading this have been brave enough to been alone for a time and were happy doing so? If your answer deep down is, “no, because you’ve never enjoyed being alone,” then perhaps that’s something we should learn to address first.

It’s my belief that being with the wrong someone and feeling alone is MUCH worse than being alone on purpose until you find the right ONE or however your ideal relationship looks to you. Sometimes we should allow ourselves to heal first and find self-worth instead of attempting to soothe our own lonely hearts and damaging someone else in the process.

Regardless of what you’re looking for in a soulmate, I’d venture to say that most people deep down, actually DON'T want to settle with the first reasonable or safest option. They want someone of equal or greater mate value, someone who can offer as much as they themselves can offer in a relationship. As well as someone who "sees fire in their eyes and wants to play with it," --the complete package. So why rush in and miss out on life and potentially waste more time and hurt more feelings with the wrong person?

I know this might seem contradictory, however, until we meet our dream girl or guy, does that mean we can’t have multiple meaningful relationships, even if it isn’t with someone we necessarily see spending the rest of our life with?

Should we avoid all types of romantic relationships until we’re 50 something when we finally meet our soulmate, and the practicality of trying to have children is already out of the picture? I would venture to say no, especially if it does end up taking until age 50 for some of us to find our life partner.

So how do we consolidate avoiding settling quickly with the wrong person, while we take the time to develop our own self-image (Check out Dr. Maxwell Maltz's Psycho-Cybernetics) AND still stay open to some meaningful romance with some people along the way?

It's just my observation, but that's where casual relationships have come into the picture. It’s clear; our culture is shifting such that we wait on committing to a long-term relationship and in the meantime enjoy short, meaningful relationships. Or we go the slow love route that Dr. Hellen Fisher speaks about in her book The Anatomy of Love. But are we doing it correctly? Are we only playing ourselves when we play the field?

My thoughts are that we can choose to be semi non-monogamous or a serial monogamous, and if we do decide to sleep with someone, that doesn’t mean we have to marry, obviously. It also doesn’t mean we owe them a relationship. There is one thing, however, that every individual owes every other individual in the context of dating and love. We owe each other and ourselves genuine honesty.

What are some negative byproducts of modern dating that you’ve seen? Cheating, lack of communication, unexpressed expectations, ghosting, catfishing, misused jealousy, insecurities, mental, emotional and physical abuse, control issues, clinginess, and self-doubt, unhealthy attachment, and more.

I truly believe we need a refresh of genuine honesty in the dating world, which requires us to be self-aware of who we are and what we truly want. To be self-aware, we need to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and say out loud what it is we actually, perhaps even secretly until now, want and not be afraid to share that.

Someone I look up to in the dating coaching world is Adam Gilad. He once told me that true intimacy is when an individual can share their rawest reality with another individual and them being safe doing so. And in return, the other individual can do the same and also be safe doing so.

I think when we’re not honest, we’re not giving each other enough credit to a) handle the truth, and b) be accepting of us after learning of our reality. Most people will agree that there are plenty of other dating options out in the world and that there’s a high probability that the person or persons they’re currently dating likely aren’t their soul mate. Or at the very least, it's not known yet if that person is their soul mate.

Does that mean we should immediately stop seeing that person or persons if we know in our heart that they aren’t our soulmate? I don’t believe that, at least not in every case. As long as all individuals involved are continually on the same page, even as expectations change, and are both getting some value out of the relationship, then I think they’re just fine being together for now.

Finally, when we do decide to part ways with a lover, hopefully, we’re leaving others better than when we found them, right? Or even if we don’t part ways fully, it's still possible to renegotiate the terms of the relationship. How many people reading this have evolved a romantic interest into a long-term friendship?

I believe if we don’t hurt people, then there’s a greater potential to have a lifelong friend who offers a lifetime of value. In many cases, I believe the individuals in a relationship are more important than the relationship itself. Meaning, if the current format of a relationship isn’t working, change it to fit everyone's needs rather than hurting each other while trying to stay in the current chemical makeup of that relationship.

So rather than letting the situation get toxic, perhaps with care, there’s an opportunity to get morph the relationship into something new.

So I guess the point to all this is, love many people, don’t settle long-term for someone you’re not meant to be with, experience life, and be ethical in how you interact with people. This means sharing your truest realities, reshare as your realities evolve, and look for opportunities to keep deep connections even if the physical romance is burning out with those individuals. They are, after all, more important than holding on to the imagined idea of a relationship with them even if the two of you aren’t compatible long-term.

We live in a new time of dating. Embrace the good parts, don’t repeat the bad and leave the world a better place by raising your standards, communicating better, and voicing your expectations as they evolve.

I’m Tim Ray, and if you found this post thought-provoking and want to hear more, check out my Podcast, Getting Up Close.