Financial Health Series :: From Brainwash to Happiness: Realising My Self-Worth :: Celinka @binkyprod

I don’t recall having a problem with money growing up. Although my dad was very secretive about his finances, he does work in finance. My mother never allowed me to have a credit card until I was 18, so then it was the bank deciding, and I learnt from making mistakes and such.

However, like with many of my brainwash beliefs, I developed a bad relationship with money in regards to my self worth because of the narcissist who abused me. He repeatedly told me that a REAL WOMAN has a REAL JOB and makes a certain amount of money. He shunned many of the jobs I had. And I tried working at a high end job. The only reason I got in was because my brother in law was working there. The Universe probably saved me from the job I disliked, despite the people being nice. There was mould in the AC and I got sick, really sick, the worst and longest bronchitis I have ever had. After that, I looked for jobs that I wanted to work at. Not the jobs HE wanted me to work at. He kept belittling me and I needed to prove my worth, be worthy of his love and affection from having a proper job. 

Little did I know that he was grooming me to live with him as his enabler and since he was dependent on my dependence, he needed me to provide enough so that I could live with him and be in his total control. But because I had decided to work at a Theatre instead of a so-called proper job, I was, without realising it, showing him that I was not the best enabler for him. Slowly he became more and more distant, I think he had found a few prospects to replace me as his prime enabler. By that time, he had crossed a line and I had decided to leave him and so I did.

The sad thing is, today I still struggle with my self-worth in regards to money. But I realised something recently...

My dad tries to encourage me by telling me how to expand my business and how to find contracts and such, but for some reason that never works. I know he’s just worried about me, but it comes off as though he doesn’t approve of my lifestyle because I don’t have a financially stable job. I just want him to be proud of me, no matter I do, no matter how much money I make.

Since my burnout, I’ve not worked at a regular job, and every time I tried to get a contract, other than a few that worked out, either the customer ghosted me after I did them their service and they disappeared without ever paying, or potential clients just decided not to go with me. The Universe is screaming out to me “No, this is not you. You do you, Binky!”

I told my mom, who has always supported me in everything I did, that I’ve been trying to be something I’m not, because of old beliefs and because a part of me was trying to impress my dad or make him proud. But it’s just not me. I’m a content creator, I write, and I just want to create and earn income from those creations. 

Since I started learning to monetize better, I’ve been able to grow a bit more and such, but I still had some blockages going on. I’ve been on Steemit nearly a year now, and STEEMIT is my source of income. It’s not stable, it’s not guaranteed, it’s not always the same amount, but I make money here for the things I create and all I do is work every day creating. All I do is create. I feel so happy doing it, I feel so proud of myself. I’m getting ideas for other streams of revenue from the same stuff I create (like merchandise), but right now, the ONLY income I have is Steemit. It’s a nice stream and I’m working towards making it a river, a cascade. 

I know that I have to be proud of myself and I have to let go of any expectations people have of me regarding money. I have to know my worth and do what makes me happy. And abundance will flow.