Mommy in the sky, on your birthday.

ᕼᗩᑭᑭY 47Tᕼ ᗷIᖇTᕼᗪᗩY TO ᗰY ᗰOᗰᗰY Iᑎ TᕼE ᔕKY ✝️♥️

This should be another day of celebration.

I am emotional today and don't think i could actually SAY these words without choking on my tears, so ill type them.

If you didn't know my mom or who i was as a child, then this post will make little to no sense to you and i ask that you see it only as a birthday message to a wondrous woman who was just too wise for this world. This is not a post i want condolences for.

Finding the balance between celebrating your life and mourning your death has been a challenge to say the least.

I find myself trying to picture you as a middle-aged woman, wearing beige skirts, clip-on earrings, sitting on your cream and brown lounge suit and planning your weekly shopping list or ironing clothes and packing away huge bags of groceries. I fail every time.

In fact, i don't think we ever ironed our clothes or had our own lounge suit 😂

You will always be the mom who wore lots of jewelry, chokers, corsets and could rock spice girl boots when fetching me from school and still be seen as "cool" and not "weird" by my mates.

Young, in body,mind and soul.

A goth by night and a gypsy by day, but always my mumzi, regardless of what you had on (or off) and how the world saw you.

We were never "normal" and i find myself wondering what that word even means, now that i am expected to be it.

I do wish you were here to see how far i have come since you last saw me and knew me, a little lost girl being snatched from all she knew and dropped off in a world unknown, i cannot imagine how hard losing me must have been for you but i am sure it is similar to the feeling i now live with daily, a feeling of loneliness that nobody can fill, and a feeling that i am searching for something in this world that ceased to exist here many moons ago. I still search for you.

I wish that people had not reminded you so often of your failures and praised you more for your accomplishments. Perhaps it would have made a difference. You tried, and i know you did and i love you no less and no more.

I hope you are happy, at peace and finally able to be who you want to be without judgement from everyone who never mattered.

I love you mom and miss you more than you could ever imagine.
AND
I must add....... (i know you'd giggle at this, but in all seriousness)
I hope you are not still with that washed-up little asshole up there and that the "big-man" has put him where he belongs, In the flaming naughty corner downstairs.

I am angry, to say i am not would be lying, i needed you more than he did.

Happy Birthday Jules, my mother-duck, i know you are sorry, i will forgive you when i am ready, someday, but not today. Today i remind myself of the years we got to spend together, all 13 of them 🦋🦎