A Hole In My Soul

in #nature7 years ago (edited)

Happy-_New-_Year-2018-_Images-4

Greetings everyone. Christmas has now passed. My focus of making sure i could make it an enjoyable and memorable one for my four year old daughter and still pay the bills is now changing. I am looking towards 2018. I have high hopes for this coming year. I am aware terrible things could happen and make it a much worse year than this past one but, i gotta think that is a stretch. 2017 was very hard on me in many ways. Physically i suddenly find myself in the worst shape of my life. Mentally and emotionally and financially ive had so much to overcome with my daughter being taken from me (i have her back now, thank God) ive been robbed , had blowouts with the ex , lost all my supplies and other things from Hurricane Irma and all kinds of other poor me crap nobody wants to read about. 2018 has to be better. But how do i make that happen.

dominoe
A lot that happens to us in life is well beyond our control. Our decisions do have a domino effect though and a bad decision usually leads to multiple bad things happening and a good decision usually leads to many good things , not just the one thing. So I ask myself, what is a good life decision i can make that i have over.

I can not shake the feeling that something is missing from my life. Something big. The obvious answer that my mother would point out is a good woman, and she wouldn't be wrong but im thinking bigger than that. One can not be happy in a relationship if one is not happy alone and with ones self first.
emptinessempty2
My daughter brings me more joy than i ever thought possible but there is still something missing. I have pinpointed what it is and my goal, my lifes mission is to get it back in 2018.

I grew up in a sub-urban area north of Boston with a large reservoir and wooded area as my backyard and playground. I spent summer vacations and weekends on Lake Winnipisaukee and in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Id hit the local mountain bike trails after school or go for a hike and bring my fishing rod and a small tackle pack.
fishingwhite_mtnslake_winni
Later I moved a little farther north to a more rural area. My backyard was about a half acre that abutted a massive private wooded area that had a power line cut right through it that stratched for miles. It was packed with hiking/biking trails, horse trails, deer, old growth hardwoods and ancient pines. I would spend every free minute i had either hiking and just watching and admiring nature or trail running for exercise. Mountain biking in the summer, snow shoeing and cross country skiing in the winter.
hikingmtn_bjke
When i was younger , I lost my drivers license for a spell and my boss, who was a good friend, laid me off instead of firing me. This allowed me to collect unemployment. I didn't give it a second thought. I loaded my pack and set off on the Appalachian Trail . I had no plan , just took a bus toVirginia and started hiking north towards Maine. After getting into Maine, I turned around and came back to New Hampshire and got myself into the 4,000 footers club. The club is a non formal group of people that have summited every 4,000 foot mountain in the state. I cant remember but there is fourty something of them i think.
backpack
Ive battled substance abuse my entire life. I joined The Marine Corps in 2003 to get a fresh start. I was stationed in southern California and spent a lot of time in the mountain ls , desert and jungle. I did my tours and got out.

While i was in the military, my family had moved to Florida. When I got out i didn't want to get back into the crowd i had fled from so i came to stay with family in South Florida. I got a job and had a kid and im still here. I hate it.
natre_is_god
I have lost my connection with nature. For me that is not just activities that I like to do. It is my Spirituality. It was always how i healed my soul when i was down and out. The more drugs were introduced, the less i turned to mother nature and my God so to speak and the sicker i became. I dont use drugs or alcohol any more but i still dont feel healed.
grt_smokeydownload
2018 is the year i get my daughter and myself out of Florida to somewhere wher i can not only reconnect with the earth but give that experience to my daughter too. I think that as a society we have lost our connection to the earth and it is ruining us. I know it is hurting me to my core and this coming year i vow to fix that. And with that one good decision many good things will follow. I hope everyone out there gets the inspiration to improve their lives however they see fit this coming year too.

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North Idaho is a good place to move to. So is Eastern Oregon, both good energy and living "outside of time" so to speak. I live in Spokane, Washington but I occasionally visit both Oregon and Idaho and never regret it. Cost of living for most of the Northwest (except for the ultra liberal high rolling coast) is lower (so far).

I have always wanted to get to the Pacific Northwest, im sure i would love it. It would probably be just to visit as it is too far from family, which is most important in my life. Ive been to western Montana and was instantly in love. I might have stayed there back then if i wasn't in the Marine Corps at the time. My family isnt leaving Fl so im thinking i wanna be in the Appalachians in either N. GA or the Smokies in TN. I appreciate your perspective and support, thank you jb

Hi @stay-in-the-gray. I feel your pain bro. I'm completely the same, I'm most happy and connected with my inner-self/spirit/god whatever you wanna call it (I'm not religious so labels for this are difficult for me) when out in the natural world. I hope you get to a place where you can find this and still stay connected with your daughter as it sounds like she is the most important thing in your life. Just remember, kids are so much closer to their unconscious minds, by that I mean, if you are unhappy your daughter will sense this, without having the capacity to understand the reasons etc. It's important not to let your own happiness and life fulfillment slip! Anyway, good post thanks for sharing.

P.S. I write about spirituality in nature in a few of my posts. I thought i'd drop a link here of one I thought you might like: https://steemit.com/adventure/@raj808/aber-falls-the-peak-of-summers-promise

This post is past payout and I'm not vote hunting or any of that self promotion stuff that goes on in steemit sometimes, just genuinely think you might relate. Take care

All that is right on point raj808. I left my ex because i was miserable and my daughter complained about us fighting when she was three. She is four now and she is the most important thing in my world. I think the move would be beneficial for both of us. Not just so she has a happy dad but she is sooo much like me that i know she would love that life once introduced to it. I will definitely check out your posts. Im right there with you on the God/religion thing. Love God and i hate religion . I just call it my spirituality. It is the part off me that is connected to the universe and its energy. I sincerely thank you for you opinion and comments, i will return the favor. I know that isnt why you took the time to comment, but, i like your outlook

I couldn't think of anything better for a family or parent and child than to be anywhere near as possible to the community and spirit of the Free State Project in NH. I hope you escape Florida but if you can't I understand. I've been plotting to escape Australia for years but it's easy done solo and far more difficult with children and extended family. More important is that you stick close to your kid where you can guide them through the worst of modern times and mindsets, wherever you're both at. You seem to have a head on your shoulders, so I'm expecting a win win wherever you go or don't.

Good to hear from you freetrog. NH will always hold a special place in my heart and mind. My daughter is coming with me wherever I go and i want to stay relatively close to our family so im looking at the mountains of North Georgia or Tennessee. I cant thank you enough for the vote of confidence and your support. God bless my friend

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