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RE: CALIFORNIA : A WONDER STATE!

in #news7 years ago

You have done a great job with this article, @ambdavid! I'd like to offer you a few suggestions which might get you better rewards.

First, your title does not fully capture the richness of your article. In this article you used the success and wealth of California to show the sharp contrast of the current situation in Nigeria. So, this is not really an article about California. It is an article about Nigeria which has a great opening by highlighting the richness and resources of California to set the stage for the contrast with Nigeria. The title is where you will either gain or lose an audience. Try to come up with a title that will catch the eye several different audiences if you can. At the very least, change the title to let people know that this article is about both California and Nigeria. Include something about education and government, too, if you can.

California wine is drunk with relish the world over.

This sentence did not come out quite right in English for a couple of reasons.

Relish can either be a condiment to enhance your hot dog or hamburger (among other things), or it can mean great delight and satisfaction.

Drunk can mean that a liquid has been consumed, or it can mean intoxication.

The way you have structured this sentence, it gave me a funny picture in my imagination on first reading.

My imagination thought: California wine is consumed with pickle relish the world over.

So you might want to say it like this:

  • California wine is enjoyed with delight the world over.

Overall, this is a really well-written article. I've upvoted and resteemed this article as one of my daily post promotions on the @mitneb Curation Trail. It will be featured in my daily curation report on 11 JAN 2018.

Cheers!

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Thank u sir

@ambdavid, I just had another thought. It would really enhance your article if you could show some pictures from Nigeria which might illustrate the differences you see.
Cheers!

Very thoughtful. So true

You're such a gifted curator and critique. Thanks again sir