Young Lesbian Couple Struggles to Gentrify Extra Shitty Neighborhood

CHICAGO, IL - Hannah Kennedy and Hannah Mathers recently moved to the south side of Chicago from their Lake Shore Drive condo, which they U-hauled into a whopping 5 weeks after meeting. When asked why they would leave such a beautiful, well to-do area of town for the often dangerous and undesirable south side, the couple stated, “We just wanted a new experience, to wash ourselves of some of this white guilt, and to impress our friends with how long our commute is.”

The generally dilapidated homes in the neighborhood are commonly an eyesore, for the Hannahs this was a bit of a shock; so naturally, as lesbians do, the couple took matters into their own hands transforming their once sad, broken, and condemnable home into a curb appeal worthy of a Better Homes cover. Complete with planter grass, shrubbery from California, a rainbow flag hanging proudly from the front porch, eastern-facing lawn chairs, and a small collection of children’s yard toys for their future foster children.

Neighbors had generally not noticed the renovations to the couple’s new home, or that they had moved in at all, at least not at first. One neighbor reportedly stated, “I don’t care what color flag those twats put in their yard, as long as they stop asking me to join their damn neighborhood watch. I got 6 kids and 3 jobs, I don’t have time for their fake police s**t.” The Neighborhood Watch, which was created by the Hannahs, got its inception as a reaction to the elevated crime levels, so naturally, it has been the site of several drug trafficking transactions, and one stabbing incident. The Hannahs reaction was pretty standard, the couple stating “Why can’t they get the point of a watch?! It’s to prevent stabbings, not give an alibi for one!”.

“They constantly complain! My bike is too loud, my parties run too late, my yard is too messy and there’s too many rats living in my collection of used cars. They don’t know how to mind their own goddamn business” commented one neighbor. When asked about this comment, the Hannahs retorted “Why don’t they just want to be better?! We can make them better!”