My toddler isn't shy; you're just too aggressive

in #parenting7 years ago (edited)

"Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."

A framed print of this famous Nathaniel Hawthorne quote hung in the basement playroom of my childhood home. It was given to me as a birthday gift when I was too young to understand its meaning. As I grew older, I came to learn that much like happiness and the butterfly, people and animals, too, might remain just beyond one's grasp if pursued too aggressively.

I think that most adults intuitively understand this. We've learned, through the various relationships we've cultivated and lost, that everybody needs breathing room; that we need to respect peoples' personal space.

Which brings me to the question of why this notion seems to go completely out the window when dealing with small children.

My children are most decidedly not shy. They're not antisocial. They are bright, gregarious, and talkative. They truly love interacting with people.

Why is it, then, that the little one turns his head and demands that I pick him up whenever we arrive at a social gatherings? Why does he sometimes seem "rude" and "shy" when he's introduced to new people -- or re-encounters people that he doesn't know very well?

It's because some people do not observe his personal space. It's because, like his mother, he is sensitive to intense, in-your-face people. But unlike his mother, hasn't had thirty-something years of practice in social situations, and doesn't possess a mature adult brain with the capacity for emotional self-regulation. It's because he doesn't have the ability to politely excuse himself if he feels uncomfortable or claustrophobic.

When meeting a baby, toddler or small child, it's important to remember that while they may be familiar to you, the reverse may not be true. Have you ever attended a large gathering where everyone else knew each other, and knew who you were, yet you knew only the person you came with? Do you remember how awkward and overwhelming it was? Imagine being in that situation as a toddler, with no control over any of it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being judged for allowing this behaviour; for not insisting that my son greet everyone politely, or go into near-strangers' arms without complaint. I encourage him to greet people, and I know it's an important social skill for him to learn, but I'm not going to force him to do so when he is obviously uncomfortable and upset. I respect his (completely valid) feelings, and I believe that he will learn what is expected, with gentle encouragement, and by watching his parents model the appropriate way to interact with others.

Whenever someone asks if my son is shy, I find myself bumbling through a half-hearted apology or excuse, while simultaneously being angry at myself for doing that, because my son is not shy, and I really don't want to slap that label on him and have it become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes I wish there was a polite way to tell the truth: "It's not him. It's you."

The next time you encounter a small child, please remember the butterfly, just beyond your grasp. Don't demand a greeting or try to touch him, hug him, or grab him from his parent's arms.

Say hello, and then sit down quietly and wait: I promise that eventually he will alight upon you and delight you with his charm and affection.


^ My five-year-old draws smiling butterflies on every greeting card he makes. Cracks me up :)

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Great post mate; it's so annoying, even yesterday night when I went to babysit my cousins kids and my grandmother was coming over as she hasn't seen them or her daughter (their aunt) in awhile and wanted to talk.
First thing that happens, the boy of theirs run over in underwear, says hi, then goes back to playing kingdom hearts. A few seconds later his younger sister peaks around the corner and say hi to me, and then before she can even finish saying hi my grandmother starts squeeching an couple inches from her face "HELLO (X), AREN'T YOU GLAD YOUR (me) IS HERE" and just weird things.
She continues doing that for about twenty seconds at least moving closer and closer to her face, with her (the little girl) just staring awkwardly and nervous-looking, panning over to me once or twice.

No no no no NO, spooky grandmother, stop talking to her like she's a literal infant and that she has no personal space or feelings of her own. She does, and she's four, you definitely definitely DEFINITELY shouldn't be baby-talking her unless she asks you to.
She was just coming by to say hi to me, and to you, and then probably give me a big hug like she usually does. She didn't want to be spooked and borderline threatened by you. And once you spookedo ff, she did exactly that, showed me her dress, asked me if I liked it, and then dragged me around places and showed me her new cool pillow that changes color depending on which way you rub it.

Don't demand a greeting or try to touch him, hug him, or grab him from his parent's arms.

This is what my grandmother always does. Babies (and toddlers) always cry and flip their passies because not only is she spooky, but this is downright inappropriate in my opinion.
Worst thing is she's eighty-something, wobbly as all get-out and really does not hold babies correctly at all.
She always talks about babies/kids as if they're objects too of course, that's how these people seem to always be, and that ticks me off.

Anyhow;

Now I'm just ranting; but yes, so much yes in this post.
When I meet a new child, or I am not greeted happily by them, say they're frustrated or something, I'll do my own thing or sit nearby and wait for them to interact with me, or wait for a kid I know to introduce me/pull me into some game with them.
Most people really just have no fucking clue when it comes to children :/

"Spooky grandmother" <--- OMG I laughed so hard at that.

But seriously, this was an awesome comment. You've clearly seen the exact phenomenon I describe. And isn't it amazing how when you just back off and wait for kids to come around on their own, they will open right up.

It's only so funny because you know how true it is~
I'm thankful I don't remember her spooking me out as a kid, but I guess she wasn't as old, spooky, and crazy then~
It looks borderline traumatizing!

I find more and more the best thing to do with kids is exactly what everybody says not to do or doesn't do, which is naturally what I usually want to do.
Doing so not once have I had a real issue with a kid ever, and in the past couple years I've been with kids at least 3000 hours. I think people are just too quick to dismiss kids and don't value them enough or respect them really at all, like in this situation.
Best way to put yourself in your shoes is imagine your boss being a 7-8ft giant and billowing over you saying some obscure shit you know nothing about giving you a big creepy smile and then leaving. Ahhh(!) I'm not going around that person if possible.
Like it's not only logical, it's just how I naturally think is right, how do people mess it up so bad :^(

Great post! I had an experience at an event recently where a group of people were trying to "force" (encourage) a toddler to interact with me. It made me feel very uncomfortable and I regret not telling them so. I always want to give other people, children and adults alike, the space to choose for themselves. And it seems especially important to me that children develop their own agency and morality as opposed to acting based primarily on conditioning and coercion.

Yes!! You totally get it.

It can be quite difficult to know exactly what to say in the awkward moment. I always struggle with this.

Maybe we are just too polite :P

Very, very awesome. You have my full support, @onefitmom! Also thank your friend @sevinwilson for plugging you! :)

This post has been upvoted with the power of steemit whale @htlooms. Make sure to give him a follow (and @abn as well).

Also don't forget to check out The Armageddon Broadcast Network at:
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@abn

Thank you so much!!

I cannot agree more.

It really irritates me that older generations (above 40s) tend to hug and kiss my 15 months baby whenever she wants to. I always warn them (in a friendly manner) that kids should not be forced to do that as it can affect their emotional development.

Lessons about consent begin at a very young age. If we want our children to respect other peoples' bodies (and demand respect for their own bodies), we shouldn't be sending mixed messages by letting people hug and kiss and touch them against their will when they are babies!

Hey! We did the Painted Ladies too! So nice to see.

So much fun, right? This is our second year doing it, and the kids love it. I find it endlessly fascinating to watch the caterpillars form their chrysalises. Reminds me of the Hulk, lol.