I don't know

Oh, what is this life? Why why why. Everything why. Oh, the agony. I guess it boils down to, after "why am I here" and similar, is why don't I just do shit? I don't want to be an embarassment, but still I like being ham fisted because I don't like easy tasks or practicing. Perhaps I'm just lazy and don't want to practice because that'd make me feel stupid or embarassed. Oh, but everytime I try something on the computer I encounter some wall that hours and hours won't find a solution against. Perhaps I've lost the edge, perhaps I'm unlucky. But the seething frustration is almost as bad as a pit of despair I have felt when faced with a woman I like. It's all so hopeless. I suppose I must look for simpler tasks and master them one by one. I won't become a jack-of-all-trades at this point. My extremely lacklustre social skills don't permit that. The world is moving into autonomy where communication is most important, I think.

I won't become a painter anytime soon. Apparently, I could become "good" at it in 20 hours. That is, according to a TED talk. I'd need to practice as well as use the correct practicing methods, obviously. Else, it could just be a bunch of fumbling in the dark for a year. But alas, I don't think I'll practice drawing. My hands have always been strangely bad at drawing, as well as handwriting. I suppose I would like to do a few things. One is to learn plumbing and electricity. Lockpicking would be fun. Some language, but I am unsure. Perhaps Spanish, Russian or Chinese, or even Thai (mostly due to relatives-in-law). Learning about general home-building would interest me greatly. If I am unsuccessful with love, then I've thought of leaving something else behind, like a forest on a piece of land with my own house. But that is a pipe-dream, albeit a nice one. I don't know where to find land or how much it costs. I've asked around, though. Learning some self-defense would be fun. Can you tell I am paranoid?

I've thought of moving to a poor area or country and living there, perhaps whisking a poor woman out of poverty or bad circumstances. Perhaps I would move to South America or east Europe.

Holy shit, maybe I should just go into a bar every night and hope for the best? Oh, but my family is almost all alcoholics. I suppose if the barmaid was pretty, but if not, then I'd probably just drink for drinking's sake. Oh, and my mother still lives with me. I guess I live with her, but I paid down a third of the house loan. Perhaps I should just sneak away into a "brothel". Or attempt to find a legitimate mail-order bride or equivalent. Perhaps I'm just so out of touch with what a normal person would do, but those options as well as others seem on the table. But... as soon as I would attempt them I would hold myself back. What if I stopped holding myself back and just did crazy things all the time?