Anarchist to Abolitionist: A Bad Quaker's Journey
Of Suicide And Afterlife
Hamlet
Act 1 Scene 2
Oh, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew,
Or that the Everlasting had not fixed
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God, God!
How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Hamlet expressed his disdain for his own life, and for all of the world, because he was facing an unwinnable and maddening situation. His father had been murdered by his uncle, who had then married Hamlet's mother, thereby taking the crown of Hamlet's father. But Hamlet's only evidence of this crime was a ghostly apparition, which may or may not actually be Hamlet's dead father. Hamlet was burdened with the pain of his father's death, along with the knowledge that his mother was now sleeping with his uncle, who may be the killer of Hamlet's father. And to top it off, he sees this ghost each night, calling for Hamlet to avenge his father so that the patriarch could be released from the flames of Purgatory. Hamlet would have killed himself had he not believed that God had condemned self- slaughter, or suicide.
I would like to state here, categorically, and in as clear terms as I am capable, that if a coroner or a police agency, on any level, ever attribute my death as a suicide, you should assume I have been murdered, no matter the circumstances. During the incredible levels of pain that I suffered from 2003 into 2005, I endured and didn't commit suicide. This was before we had any idea why I was in pain, with no available way to escape the intense, nightly cluster headaches. There was no hope that it would ever end, but I continued on, anyway. I rarely speak of the future in absolute terms, but I can assure you I will not die by my own hand. Some future action on my part may lead to my death, but it won't be me firing the shot. I didn't take the easy escape in 2003 and I won't in the future.
Unlike Hamlet, it wasn't fear of Purgatory or even fear of Hell that drove me to endure, as I don't believe in neither Hell nor Purgatory. That statement may shock some readers, however, I say that my disbelief is based on the gapping lack of evidence of either.
Biblically, the strongest evidence that Jesus believed in or taught about a torturous afterlife is found in the Gospel of Luke, in the parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus. The problem I have with it is that, in all likelihood, the Gospel of Luke was written between 50 and 80 years after the death of Jesus, and was almost certainly not written by Luke, the companion of Paul, nor anyone who personally knew or even heard Jesus speak. I believe the author or authors intentionally associated the name of Luke with that book so that people would believe it to have Pauline authority. And deception is no way to convince me of authorship, nor would the actual Word of God need deception as a selling point. Therefore, I reject the Book of Luke as scripture.
Also, the origin of the Rich Man and Lazarus parable predates Jesus by perhaps a thousand years, and is based on an ancient Egyptian story about Osiris, god of the underworld. In other words, the best evidence is that Jesus never spoke the Rich Man parable, and the Gospel of Luke was not an eyewitness account of Jesus, but was written after a major split in Christianity, as were all other references to a burning Hell in the New Testament. Such beliefs in Hell are founded in Mediterranean paganism, not Judaism nor Christianity.
Going in a separate direction from theology, I believe my life is my property, and as such I may rightfully do with it as I please. I assert this not only on my own behalf, but I defend the right of everyone based on this principle. If I don't rightfully own my own life, then how can I argue the right to own anything? After all, I was born with only the one possession, myself. That alone is the best evidence of any right to own anything.
That being the case, I have no right to prevent someone taking their own life if they so choose, and no one has the right to prevent me from taking my own life if I so choose.
The key here is that I choose not to surrender to the temptation of an easy escape from life based on far more complex issues than Hell or my right of property. For example, suicide leaves behind all your friends and family to suffer a loss that you have wilfully placed upon them out of your own selfishness and weakness. Frankly, I wouldn't commit suicide for that reason alone, but there are far more reasons.
For another way to look at suicide, let's consider the case of Kurt Cobain. For the sake of argument, let's assume he actually killed himself, but let's place ourselves in the position of investigating his death to assure it wasn't murder staged to look like suicide. That said, we approach the death scene and find the body, clearly shot in the head by a shotgun at close range. The shotgun is present, beside the body. Next to the body is his open wallet with cash inside, along with several expensive items in the room. It was clearly not a robbery. We then pollute the investigation by our foreknowledge that Cobain was a drug addict who sang about loneliness, isolation, kidnapping, rape, and death. Guess what, he probably killed himself.
The problem here is that our foreknowledge of Cobain would prevent us from further investigation. For example, the key to any possible murder investigation is an attempt to find a motive. Who would profit from his death? As it turns out, Cobain's wife would profit in the tens of millions of dollars if he died before they could be divorced. Next, you would ask, who had the means to do such a thing? Also, as it turned out, the lover of his wife was at Cobain's house, perhaps even on the day of his death. Now, you can top this all off with the fact that it was that very woman who purchased the shotgun, not Cobain himself. With this knowledge, a proper murder investigation could come to a completely different result than what a couple poorly trained cops assumed when they found Cobain, rather than having them stumbling around, destroying potential evidence, like they in fact did.
I'm not making any accusations about the death of Kurt Cobain. But if someone wanted him dead, then staging it like a suicide would be a great way to keep the police from doing a proper investigation. The same would be so for anyone who wanted to murder anyone else. If the victim has talked about suicide and has a demeanor and persona that hint toward suicide, they become an easy target. Therefore, I make it abundantly clear that if someone ever wanted me dead bad enough to actually kill me, no one will believe it to be suicide, no matter how well it's staged.
One other reason I would never commit suicide can be seen in the way I play any game. Let's say I'm playing a long boring board game like Monopoly. In this game, it's not hard to tell who will win by about half way through the game. So, let's say it's clear I'm losing. Even so, I want to play to the very end, until my last property is lost and my last dollar taken. That's how I play Monopoly, all the way to the end.
Another glimpse into my nature can be seen in some video games where the conclusion can be seen well in advance, and yet I push it right to the end. An example of this is an old game that I used to enjoy years ago called Abrams Battle Tank. It was an old DOS based game that I could often win, but when it was clear that I was going to lose, I would just do a full frontal attack against the hardest target I could find. I would either shift the balance and begin to win, or I would get my tank blown up.
This takes me back to the theological side of the argument. If it's true that God has fixed his canon against self-slaughter and Hell is the punishment, then how does the modern Christian explain the death of Sampson. Where did he get his amazing strength, if not from God? And if his amazing power was from God, did God not know he was about to use it to kill himself? Doesn't that make God an accessory to Sampson's suicide? Of course, God knew what Sampson was about to do and of course God assisted him.
What about Jesus? Didn’t Jesus essentially commit “suicide by cop” by whipping the money changers and knocking over their tables? Everything he had taught and every action he took up to that time, could be overlooked by the Sanhedrin, until he turned violent against their banking/exchange monopoly. Remember, Jesus very likely committed this act early in the day, was arrested that night, and executed the next morning. In a manner of speaking, Jesus knew when and where he would be killed. If you know you’re about to be killed, but you know your death serves a higher cause, and you wilfully walk right into it, isn’t that suicide? Isn’t that exactly what Jesus did?
A General Theory of Freedom, Tyranny, and Sin
First post & table of contents
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