Being a guy.
Speaking straight from my heart.
Being a guy is something else.
It's cool and stupid in a special way.
Okay, I've said before that I suck at being a guy.
I flow soft and weirdly calm.
I haven't met a lady who is/was close to me, who has seen my craziness, junkieness and hardcore sides who didn't end up saying I act like a girl in someways.
Whether complimenting or complaining. I hear that a lot.
Well, I'm fine with that. That isn't an issue no more. It probably was one of few things I had to accept early in life.
I have always thought of myself as soft and decent.
I might have always related my tenderness to morality.
So accommodating the fact that I won't be hardcore or anything close to a 'tough guy' made me feel it would fix my moral side.
Like the 'weakness' and good conduct were intertwined. That as long as I don't go out pretending to be a tough son I won't have to worry about good behaviour.
I thought I was predestined to be good and I can't do anything about that.
So when someone says 'You hurt me', 'that's not kind of you' and similar phrases... I just replay the scene in my head looking for traces of boyish violent attitude or rudeness and when I find none I feel the person should be grateful, that there's a guy, not too far away, who would have done worst.
It's stupid.
Even more stupid that I didn't realize these things.
I just lived with perpetual pride of being 'nicer' even when I did the opposite.
Not like I always hurt people with my illusive notion but I didn't notice when I did.
I thought that if I don't scream at a lady, then any other reaction is fine.
When the obvious fact is that screaming isn't my thing.
So in my little illusive mind, I could dish the silent treatment over and over, feeling she should be grateful cause I know a friend who would smack her in the face at the same provocation.
That's where I got it all wrong.
So I moved around with a sharp sense of gratification. Which wasn't good for me and hurt those relationships.
But I always felt she would have a friend who would say your guy is better than mine.
My guy will burn the house if I did that.
This has made me freely walk away from some precious relationships.
'Walking way' that's like the endpoint of an extended session of silent treatment.
I know these friends of mine might once in a while turn back and say 'that guy was really sweet. I wish I didn't act the way I did' but that doesn't reconcile the fact that the relationship is lost.
My point is don't compare yourself to any freaking person or people.
Don't put your person side by side with society's perspective of what a guy/lady/husband should be like, cause that notion will sneaking in the worst of moments.
That you have a good nature shouldn't be the cause of your downfall.
You shouldn't spend the whole time comparing yourself to what's obtainable that you unconsciously expect those around you to worship you for your kind nature.
You might lose the most beautiful souls, you know, in the process.