The thing about addiction

I've been a smoker for something close to 15 years now, having started when I was around twelve years old. For the last three years or so it dawned on me, that this is in fact something I would like to stop doing.

Those of you who smoke have probably at least considered once to go 'clean' in 2018. As well as you probably did for 2017. I myself certainly have.

Over the course of my life I've tried quite a few methods to get rid of this devil:

• First I got a girlfriend, to counter-act the desire for nicotine with sex. This worked fine as long as the relationship lasted.

• Then I tried with sports. That worked fine, as long as summer lasted. I just really hate indoor studios.

• After that: travelling. Turns out smoking at a new and exotic location is even more pleasing than doing it at home, and it's such a great way of meeting new people. (Ofc that's bullshit, but it's one of the things you tell yourself.)

Then I stopped trying for a while. But it nagged me- Was I really this much weaker than some stupid leaves wrapped in a thin paper? That much of a slave to my brain?
Eventually I just stopped using any tricks or changes for quitting, and just tried. And failed. And tried again.

The thing about quitting

There's a lot of fears that go along with quitting. "Will I still be able to write/act/party/sing like I used to? Can I still go out with the same circle of smoking friends? What if I get so irrationally angry that I lose everyone that matters to me? Will I be able to do my work?"

But then you get off the stuff for a while, and you realise: Yes! Your mind is incredibly strong, and all you can do on Nicotine you can do damn well without it. I once read somewhere:

What's the most powerful thing in the world?
A decicsion.

So what if you failed a couple times at quitting? Heck, what if you failed a hundred times? It doesn't mean you're failing or are a failure, as long as you try again. And if you do that, you'll either suceed or die trying.
If you want to quit you have to make the conscious decision to try and try no matter how often you fall back, until you've suceeded.

So I'm pretty sure I'll make it this time, and it won't be by some miracle-cure or distraction, but simply this:

• A conscious decision, and an appeal to my strength of will.

And if temptation should ever arise, I've decided I'll write a poem on a piece of paper, instead of rolling tobacco into one.
So here it is, my first nicotine-free poem. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy withdrawal.

A prayer to St. Nicotine

When her fingers enter me
I'm up and down just like the sea.
And when I try to block her out,
she aimlessly sends me about:

To wander in the maze we built
and relish at my slow decline.
On silver trays she serves me guilt.
With ash I drew the final line.

Even when gone she's always there,
tracing yellow on my thumb.
Once I breathe in deep the air,
she thinks I always will succumb.

Impatienly she waits outside,
speaks to me with all her pride:
"All you've made and all you've dreamt
Were merely things that I have lent.

Remember all the good old days?
Don't you want that back again?"
I do? I do- but still I won't.
So I'll just focus on my pen

And write a song to Nicotine
Of whom my brain will now be clean.

Another lover I forgot
And turned into an afterthought.

This will be my last post this year, as I'll be busy preparing our new years' party.
If you've had any experience trying to quit smoking, feel free to share it in the comments. I also want to express my thanks to the awesome steem-community for making the last week of the year one of the best. Otherwise I wish you all a peaceful weekend and may you start the New Year with a blast!

Images from Pixabay.