If Presidential Hopefuls Were Your High School Faculty

If presidential candidates were people who worked in your high school:

• Donald Trump: The phys ed teacher that makes you get in the pool during instructional swim even if you're on your period. Don't be the last one out of the gym, you'll get molested. There are rumors that he keeps Billy (the weird kid who eats lunch alone) after school to "practice lay-ups" but nobody has actually seen it. I think we can all agree on a bi-partisan level that he has the hair of a hockey coach. Even when you see him at his summer job (lawn maintenance/pool cleaning) he has his whistle around his neck 

• Hillary Clinton: The principal. Gives grandiose speeches at pep rallies and mandatory all-student meetings in the gymnasium, about how we are the future, and all the other schools in the district are looking at us as the best so we must uphold that reputation. Uses the term "because we are winners" repetitively to the point it becomes a game that gives you permission to pinch your friend in the back of the arm as hard as you can each time she says it and they can't retaliate. Husband is having an affair and everyone knows. Your tactless classmate approaches her in the hall and says "hey Ms Clinton, I heard your husband is cheating on you, is that true?" to which she straightens her suit jacket and replies "right now my biggest concern is preparing everyone here for their future, because we are winners." You leave school really late one day to finish an art project and walk out to the back parking lot, to find her crying in her car. You tap on the glass and say "Ms Clinton what's wrong?" She opens her car door, lets you sit in the passenger's seat and proceeds to have a total emotional breakdown. "How did I end up principal of this shitty school? I've worked so hard. I had so many big dreams. Work hard and good things will happen, Hillary. That's what my nanna always said. Look at me now! Every student here is a loser and the entire district knows it. Well, except you. You've always been a good kid. Thanks for listening." Then she hugs you and you never speak of the incident to ANYONE but when someone talks shit about her in the hallway you feel a visceral need to defend her. "Stop being an asshole Derek, Ms Clinton is cool."

• Bernie Sanders: the U.S. History teacher that makes the boring class fun. You want to impress him. When there's a racially-motivated fight near the football field that everyone is talking about, his class starts with him being stoic and staring at a completely silent class, before finally saying, "Young people, what the hell is happening? We need to come togethah. You are the FEW-tcha of this country. We cannot have, the bullshit that happened OUTSIDE, to happen any longah."  He then proceeds to drop some knowledge on you (something about you being the generation that changes the world and turns this country around) that blows your mind, and turns the privileged, ultra-conservative prick kid who is always talking shit, into someone who genuinely questions how they're living their life and treating other people. Then someone rats out Mr Sanders for swearing in front of his students and gets fired. That kid he got to examine his life quickly resumes beating up gay kids and peppering his conversations with the n-word.

• Gary Johnson: Janitor. He also says he is a karate instructor but these claims are unfounded. Everyone knows you can smoke weed in his tiny office. He will even share some of his, unfortunately it's always schwag he grows at home, where he lives with his mom and stepdad. This is the guy who understands your teenage anarchist politics. "We just need to get rid of the government and start being cool, man," he says, "everybody should be able to do whatever as long as they're not hurting anybody. Just be cool." Has an enormous key ring and can tell you what each one unlocks. Paints houses in the summer. Calls you by your nickname. Rides a bike to work even in the winter. 

•Jill Stein: Math teacher. Tries to teach all the practical ways math can improve your life, but almost nobody is listening because her voice makes you fall asleep and she intentionally keeps her classroom dimly-lit and its extra warm. Years later, when you can't balance a checkbook and don't understand why you keep getting overdraft charges, you blame the bank for being a greedy corporate monster instead of the fact that you got a sympathy-C grade in Ms Stein's class because you slacked off. Ms Stein blames your ineptitude on literally everything except your personal accountability. She tells the school board things like, "My students are fidgety and I know it's all the sugar from the snack machine. We need to do something." Drives a Prius and a couple of your male classmates have a crush on her. She's the teacher you talk to after class when you find out your parents are getting divorced (you would have gone to Mr Sanders but he got fired). She hugs you and buys you a journal.