Psychology Addict # 39 | Need For Approval & External Validation

in #psychology6 years ago (edited)

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Last week I shared here on Steemit a post discussing certain emotions and behaviours that platforms such as Facebook elicits in some of us. I presented behavioural (positive reinforcement) and neuropsychological (the dopaminergic pathway) reasons to explain as to why we often feel uncontrollably drawn to our social networks; with many of us even describing that urge as an addiction. In a comment to that post @moshroom presented yet another explanation, through theorizing a link between our ‘need for external validation’ and social media addiction. He wonders whether our constant seeking for approval plays a part in it, and politely asked me to write a post with my views with respect to this.

An Innate Need for Belonging

@moshroom’s words immediately brought to mind the works of Abraham Maslow, a humanistic psychologist who not only placed belongingness in the human’s hierarchy of needs 1, but also posited that it is a necessity we are born with. Seeking for approval is to seek for acceptance, it is to seek for a sense of belonging; aspects that are fundamental for our emotional development and psychological well-being. Through a sense of feeling approved by others we enjoy higher levels of self-assurance as well as of self-esteem; emotions that help us thrive, as they keep us motivated, moving forward, and as William James would say, surviving. He, who in the 1890’s, recognized self-esteem as essential a human need for survival as fear 2. So, following both W. James’s and A. Maslow’s ideas, it would make sense to say that seeking for approval is something that we do instinctually.

Who We Are vs. Who We Should Be

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However, things are not as straight-forward as: seeking-approval = finding approval. Very early on in our development, both our experiences and the expectations imposed by family and society impact who we are; in ways that - simplifying what Carl Rogers explains - moulds who we are to who we should be 3. From a Freudian’s point of view, this could be explained by how, mainly during childhood years, our instinct/nature (the id) is controlled through the development of our subjective individuality (the ego) and culture/society (the superego).

Nevertheless, the need for belonging doesn’t come to a halt when we get older; and, if in order to feel approved and validated, one needs to change a thing here and there; well, that is exactly what some people will do, some to a greater extent than others. This isn’t a transition in which we participate passively, though, especially when we are adults; this is a process in which we are instrumental.

With regard to social media, personally, I see this mechanism as an explanation to why so many individuals lose their authenticity, their true-selves; as a dear follower of mine pointed out “ ... they will do anything to be more attractive, cool and badass” 4. And here I go again: all in order to meet an instinctual drive for being approved by others, and consequently meet a deep-rooted need of belonging.

But, how far are we willing to go in order to be accepted and to belong?

Narcissism

There is a story I read on the news 5 that I will never forget. It is related to social media. It took place back in 2016 and involved Melina Roberge, a 24 year-old Canadian woman; who was, as stated by herself:

governed by a superficial desire to take pictures of myself in exotic locations to post on Instagram and receive likes and attention.

A desire that drove her into smuggling cocaine on a luxurious cruise liner, where she took photos and selfies, in an endeavour that ultimately sent her to jail.

If you remember, @moshroom also brought up external-validation in his comment, this term describes the process through which one seeks the approval of others as a means to make them feel worthy. People who are insecure and have fragile egos are particularly susceptible to seek external opinions in order to feel better about themselves.

Narcissists fall under this category. In his superb post Inside the Manipulator’s Mind: The Dark Triad of Personality, @dysfunctional explained that at subclinical levels, people who sport such trait behave in a grandiose, superior and entitled manner 6. To say that Melina is a narcissist is to jump to conclusions; however, her need for attention and likes from social networkers, makes me wonder about her self-esteem.

And this is something I always encourage people to ponder whenever they feel compelled to judge others in similar situations.

Confidence

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Confidence/self-esteem is not to be confused with narcissism! There are some people out there who are incredibly confident. They, sometimes, are unfairly labelled as narcissists. But here is the thing, there is a remarkable difference between those two kinds of characters. And while the latter are people who you should probably avoid (I know it would be beautiful if I said here ‘help’; but, over the course of my life I learnt that you can only help someone who wants to be helped), the former are the kind who you can count on for guidance. You might be asking yourself right now: how can I tell one from the other? Well, it is not that difficult at all.

Do you remember what @dysfunctional said about narcissists? Narcissists choose dominance. People who have healthy self-esteem, on the other hand, favour equality. In the same way that while narcissists adopt arrogance, criticism and denigration. Confident individuals go for humility, constructive feedback and respect individuals for who they are.

All this can be explained by the very fact that people presenting healthy self-esteem have built their confidence upon real achievements, deep moral values as well as care and respect for others. This is not the same when it comes to narcissists, as their actions are generally fuelled by insecurity, inadequacy and fear of failure. So, you can see how social media can be a remedy used to alleviate such feelings. It provides people with the opportunity to quickly build a sense of belonging and obtain validation simply upon a ‘thumbs up’. Easy, peasy!

But, please note, that is shaky ground.

Incongruence

Carl Rogers’ person-centred approach presents the idea of a flexible self. However, it further discusses the notion that individuals can only distance themselves from their true-selves up to a point. At the moment that point is reached the individual enters a stage of incongruence, which is a Rogerian concept that explains the cause of human emotional conflict and distress 7. It is basically that grey area of our psyche where everything is unrecognizable, including ourselves.

Only yesterday my husband bought a book by Will Storr that illustrates an instance of incongruence right in its opening pages. The book starts narrating the case of Debbie, and this is what the author says about her:

As a child, Debbie always tried to be the person her mother wanted her to be. As an adult, she struggled to be the person she imagined her husband desired.

(Storr, p.4)

The lines that followed talked about Debbie’s young adult years, a period during which she had a major nervous breakdown and was hospitalised, as a consequence of her severely low self-esteem and huge self-loathing. Her true-self had been completely lost along the years, and so was her sense of belonging.

Building a Strong Foundation

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It is the flexibility of the self that allows us to explore new territories, rediscover, and recreate who we are from time to time. This is also a very important process in life, as it leads to maturity, change of horizons and psychological growth. For that to happen, however, we need to know who we really are. Why? So then, we won’t end up betraying our core values, and forgetting what truly drives our motivations. That way, we are then able to negotiate and find a balance between the requirements of our inner-selves, and those of our culture and society. Something which, in turn, makes us good candidates for genuine acceptance, love and belonging; needs that when met lead us to a life of healthy self-esteem and self-assurance. A state that makes us able not only to receive love and appreciation; but, to return them back to individuals and communities.

Our need for approval and validation stems from our innate necessity to feel included. And, yes, I believe that is without a doubt one of the factors that push us towards social media. Particularly when it furthers our sense of belonging, or of being part of something that adds meaning to our lives. While I don’t see anything intrinsically wrong with this, it is important that we seek the kind of environment and people that respect us for what we genuinely have to offer, for our real accomplishments, and will to improve. An attitude that we also ought to have towards others. Just like we are meant to do in our non-virtual lives.


Reference List:

1 - Maslow, A. (1968). Toward a psychology of being. New York: Van Nostrand.
2 - James, William. [1890] 1983. The principles of psychology. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
3,7-Rogers, C. R., & Stevens, B. (1967). Person to person: the problem of being human: a new trend in psychology. Walnut Creek, Calif., Real People Press.
4 - Social Media – What is your cue to stop?.
5 - Melina Roberge.
6 - Inside the Manipulator’s Mind: The Dark Triad of Personality
8 - Storr, W. (2018). Selfie : How the West Became self-obsessed. New York: Overlook Press.

Image source: 1,2,3,4


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So, Dear Reader how is your self-esteem as of late?

Thank you for once again taking the time to read my work.
I wish you all a great weekend filled with sunshine.
Best :)

“Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self acceptance.”
— Brené Brown

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Thank you. I liked this topic a lot and want to share a longer comment this time.

The fascination with human pathology is a phenomenon, isn't it? It can be discussed particularly well in virtual space. Actually, only the other narcissists or even pronounced narcissists are always predisposed, but not oneself :-))

Particularly good examples can be found in the widespread media, which are concerned with politics and business. I also believe, however, that this is systemically conditioned and that people make other people narcissists once they have focused on this subject. A little I follow Eckhard Tolle, who says that we humans like feeding our painful bodies very much and eagerly. The keywording does its part.

My approach is that there is no such thing as a pure narcissist and a person unites many qualities, which always come to light when they are confirmed, strengthened and also put under suspicion by others (exceptions confirm the rule). The mutually feeding actors in a system do a lot to make someone into this or that character. It is a creation of several or many. For example, if you see the leader of a country as a narcissist. I think that the projection of many reinforce this special quality and also help it to size. If I perceive mostly the evil predominantly in a person, then I am quasi an accomplice of his negative views and actions.

I once read a very interesting fictional story about an apocalyptic existence in which a girl escaped from a dome city and got to know a companion on the way. She felt protected and accompanied by this companion. But finally she found out that her friend was the most feared creature on earth. She just didn't know it and treated the beast nicely. If she had known beforehand what a terrible creature it was, she would probably have run away in fear. It would never have been proven that the beast was also friendly. It is a strong symbolism here that has to do with fear. ... Who senses that other people fear him may acquire the strange conviction that people are to be distrusted.

... I think it is not only someone who tends to have narcissistic features if this increases, because I think that this tendency could be weakened if the environment is free of fear and prejudice.

My suggestion would therefore be to see if and to what extent one finds a narcissistic tendency in oneself.

For myself, I've found that when I'm under a lot of tension or quarrelling with someone close to me, I tend to make them the object of my mental analysis. This is quite common nowadays, as we live in a psychologized society.

My self-esteem decreases with the increasing devaluation of someone else, I see a direct connection there.

I then find that the more I attribute positive qualities to other people and encourage what they bring with them in terms of resources and solution intelligence, that then my own self-esteem also increases, because I was able to contribute to connote something positively and to frame it.

The thing is that you can't fake something like that and you need real kindness towards someone to not take what you dislike so important and to see in which hidden corner you can find self-worth. Most, if not all, people have these corners.

It is the flexibility of the self that allows us to explore new territories, rediscover, and recreate who we are from time to time.

Yes, very much so. I would even say that counts for each and every encounter during the day.

That is a wonderful story that you shared Erika. And your views of the construct we are discussing here is a truly humanistic one. After all, we are also a product of our immediate and overall environment. We have core traits that are deeply embedded in us, but they sure either enhanced or dimmed by the interaction with other social beings.

Thank you for this incredible feedback!
Lots of love to you always :*

Thank you, Abi.
Have a relaxed weekend and enjoy the readers digestions:)

I'm really curious about this one:

My self-esteem decreases with the increasing devaluation of someone else, I see a direct connection there.

Why do you feel that way? Usually people use the devaluation of others to improve their own self-esteem.

Thanks for the question.

Because it shows me that if devaluating another person is my strategy in feeling better than I may be a winner of a debate but a loser of a relation (and my "face").

Devaluation actually is hurting my self esteem. I made that experience with people after fighting with them. When I said something mean I afterwards felt utterly bad. The satisfaction for having expressed something devaluating lasted exactly thirty or so seconds while adrenaline was still in my blood. Cooling down, I realized that the only one who I was fighting with I was myself. Even thinking bad of someone takes me down and leaves me dissatisfied - how about you?

I made the experience that finding consensus and respect makes my relationships richer. In the long run I don't have to spend so much energy in my self-esteem, it will come more naturally when I treat others good. Within this I still can remain critical and active.

... Not easy to practice, though. I am still falling into old patterns and habits.

To lose someone into one becoming an enemy which also I would have had a chance to befriend myself with is a loss which is not necessary. We are all also contributing to the big picture, don't we?

Thanks a lot for the extensive reply :)

When I said something mean I afterwards felt utterly bad.

Is this associated with everybody or just the people you feel a connection to? For me, it's somehow hard to imagine feeling bad about treating people badly for which I don't care in the slightest.

Even thinking bad of someone takes me down and leaves me dissatisfied - how about you?

For me it's pretty simple: if people behave in a way which justifies a harsh reply - I will usually go for it. I don't feel bad about it at all. Why would I? That person did something, so he has to live with the resulting consequences.

Is this associated with everybody or just the people you feel a connection to?

I try to stretch that to everyone as I believe connection goes far beyond people I meet in person.

Like this:

A farmer whose corn always took the first prize at the state fair had a habit of sharing his best corn seed with all the farmers in the neighborhood.
When asked why, he said, "It is really a matter of self-interest. The wind picks up the pollen and carries it from field to field. So if my neighbors grow inferior corn, the cross-pollination brings down the quality of my own corn. That is why I am concerned that they plant only the very best."
source: http://info.stiltij.nl/publiek/meditatie/studie/zenstories.pdf

See it as a self interest of mine to not wanting to let my anger or judging win over another human. As thoughts are not very much different from seeds I'd give the seed to whoever I disagree with, even then. At least, that is a practice I want to make into a habit and get better.

The fascination with human pathology is a phenomenon [...] It can be discussed particularly well in virtual space.

A virtual space rife with narcissists and trolls :P

Wow it's another Friday Abigail, another after a seven minute read I'm rearing to dive in.
You see the truth is sometimes we desire to go for what people think about us.

We live in a Society where body shaming is rampant, people feel insecure to be thick and juicy in their body structure, simply because they will be labelled fat and not sexy enough that's why they rather go nude on places like instagram so as to get the approval of people who 80% of time tell them lies.
The feeling of belonging tears in mankind however the truth is being confident in one's capabilities suppresses this feeling which is of course natural.

Nevertheless confidence is never narcissism like you pointed out in fact the former is required in ever human being despite their backgrounds or lacking as this will inspire self believe
In a nutshell social media isn't bad at all, it's what we make of it that it turns out to be, the society we live in, must not have a say in our existences, this is a start in diminishing the urge to listen to people's opinion to ascertain who we are.

Thank you so much @abigail-dantes it's always a fabulous Friday reading all your amazing posts you should start a weekly magazine, you're too amazing

My Dear @josediccus ❤ :)

What can I add to your wonderful comment? Not much!

There is nothing wrong with seeking for belonging and approval. It is part of how we built. What might make this search detrimental is how we do it, like you so elaborately said.

Thank you for contributing to our debate once again with you incredible insights :) A magazine? That is a good idea. Maybe one day when I have more time :*

You take care.
Much love to you.

In a society very judgmental we must acknowledged and live according to our rules and jurisdiction as nobody can claim to be be perfect as to whether to judge.
That's why people should not be conformed by the yardstick of other people, this can make people do the wrong things in other to belong, but doing the right things and showing confidence in all endeavours

Thank you so much @abigail-dantes for always blowing me away, I guess I should expect another block buster next week, yes?

Yes please, a weekly magazine (e-zine?) would be lovely. I greatly enjoy reading your well constructed articles and love that you include sources with every one of them.

Thank you @mattifer :) e-zine? What a smart, catchy name! 😃

Abigail, thanks! I'd love to take credit for the term e-zine, but alas, it's not my own. I'm looking forward to reading yours though! ;-)

We live in a Society where body shaming is rampant, people feel insecure to be thick and juicy in their body structure, simply because they will be labelled fat

I don't see the problem in telling people, that they are not living healthy, especially if they start complaining about it. Being overweight/obese is one of the main health issues today, which accumulates in billions of medical costs. Besides that, fat people receive sometimes even unfair advantages:
Why do I have to pay extra for my 20 kg luggage on a plane, which will, if added to my body weight, equal roughly 100 kg in total, while a fat person with a body weight of 150 kg pays less, if he has no luggage at all?

My point is:
I don't care about body types, but as soon as somebody complains about how unfair "society" treats him, I will always point out the flaws in his own logic. It's not always the fault of big, bad, evil society, but quite often your own laziness and unwillingness to change.

I think you can shame people for their decisions. Obesity that is the result of a condition is far rarer than obesity that is the result of a choice.

Great i totally i agree with your with that you expressed

Another fantastic post. Your articles always make me think a little bit out of my comfort zone which is a good thing.

I'm glad you pointed out that seeking approval is an innate human characteristic and shouldn't be a inherently bad thing, even if it can lead to unhealthy obsessions. Its a fine line to balance and I don't think anyone does it perfectly.

That is a very nice thing to hear @tking77798. Thank you for saying that :)

Finding balance is indeed the key that allows us to enter a world of emotional stability! A key that we all misplace from time to time :P

All the best !

Hello Abigail, it's such a honor and privilege to be mentioned in a well written article that is nothing short of excellence. Your perspective on the topic is an eye-opener especially on incongruence, as I have seen it first hand. People pretend to be something they are not for so long that they actually forget who they really are. Have a lovely weekend Abby :)

Hey @moshroom 😊

It makes me truly happy to hear you are pleased with this post and got something out of the humanistic ideas I shared here. Yes, incongruence is a truly interesting concept. Well, Carl Rogers is, for sure, one of my favorite psychologists.

I wish you a great weekend too, and all the best aways :*

Well, as your number one, go-to-egomaniac it's only natural I will share some of my thoughts about this topic with you.

Narcissists choose dominance. People who have healthy self-esteem, on the other hand, favour equality. In the same way that while narcissists adopt arrogance, criticism and denigration. Confident individuals go for humility, constructive feedback and respect individuals for who they are.

I very much disagree with this statement.
In my opinion, you can have a high self-esteem as well display a good amount of arrogance - without being a narcissist.
You don't need to treat everybody with respect and equality, if they don't deserve it. I don't have to respect brain-dead monkeys like religious people who are imposing their beliefs upon others, sometimes even threatening, hurting or killing them. Nope. Not a bit of respect and equality for these examples of human degeneration. And I can disrespect them without being a narcissist at all.
I treat people equally who deserve this kind of treatment. Well-used arrogance and denigration can be very helpful tools in dealing with certain kinds of people.

All this can be explained by the very fact that people presenting healthy self-esteem have built their confidence upon real achievements, deep moral values as well as care and respect for others. This is not the same when it comes to narcissists, as their actions are generally fuelled by insecurity, inadequacy and fear of failure.

Again, I disagree. You can still have a high self-esteem, but this doesn't need to be connected to real achievements. You can be very well aware of your skills, which are enabling you to actually do stuff - but even if you achieve much, your self-esteem might not be positively affected by it. For example, if you are a perfectionist, you will never be really satisfied with the things you have achieved, because there will always be something, which you could have done better. In this way, "real achievements" might even have a negative impact on your self-esteem. This is, why it's important, in my opinion, to disconnect your self-esteem from your achievements and focus on your actual skill set. You need to be satisfied with your own abilities and therefore your own personality and not with the things you did (not).

Besides that: I also don't think deep moral values are a key factor for high self-esteem. Morality is usually a quite flexible, fragile thing which mainly depends on your current social status and the groups you are belonging to. These things can change pretty fast. Attaching your self-confidence to your morality would make your self-esteem as fragile as moral values usually are.
Doesn't seem like a good idea to me ¯\ _ (ツ)_/¯

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First, I have to say that this article was such an easy read. It helps to understand the subject of discussion without having to wade through a pool of professional terms. I think this need to belong is the mother of peer pressure, which appears to have a stronger hold on the young, who'd do anything to "belong" to the "cool kids," especially at a school. It doesn't stop as a young person, some societies only value materialistic things and tend to value the self-worth of an individual by the number of zeros in their bank account balance and, oftentimes, the number of personal belongings such as cars, houses, etc. People have been driven to a life of crime in their bid to acquire wealth and hence gain "respect" and belong to meet up with such a materialistic society. I was reading the inspiring story of Ben Carson, one of the world's most gifted former pediatric neurosurgeon, The Gifted Hands, I saw his rebellion and the push to make his struggling mother spend the little money she earned from doing menial jobs on a "cool dress" in other to join other cool kids in high school. Even though he was a top performing student, he still felt the need to belong and be accepted by some of the cool, obviously less intelligent people, in his school.

I guess we only break free from such negative effects of belonging to the detriment of our wallet, health, etc by knowing that those people whom we struggle to show off that "we've finally made it or arrived," most of the time do not really care as much as we may think. On the internet almost everyone is rich, the Instagram is filled with "millionaires" who spend time showing selfies in various exotic destinations. Most of which may not really be doing as great as their twitter/Instagram pictures say they do. They get seriously offended if someone is to say something negative about the situation. People like me know that people do not care as much as that. If it's my grandmother, she says if you really want to know if people care about you disappear for some days and see who asked after you. She said the chances are the people who may ask of your whereabouts are probably those you are owing! That was a hilarious statement of hers, but she may be right. I always look forward to your weekend posts. Thank you for sharing.

Hey Green 😃

Yes, our need for belonging is definitely what makes 'peer pressure' such a strong social feature. Your analysis of materialistic societies is a great one. Because most societies and cultures promote materialistic values as the ones that deliver a sense of belonging that is what most people will pursue. But does that meet the needs of their true-selves? From my perspective, I don't think so. Otherwise we wouldn't have anxiety and depression cases constantly on the rise.

It is difficult being a social being nowadays Green. What option are we left with in the end? Being outcasted, or being accepted at the expense of overseeing our inner requirements? The story of Dr. Carson's that you shared with us here just illustrates what humanistic psychology proposes, our innate, ultimate need to belong. And like you said, if we were not so easily seduced we could break free from this need at extreme levels.

Your grandmother said it all!! 😂 And that is why I stated that building self-esteem, and a sense of acceptance on the number of 'thumbs up' is a bit shaky!

Thank you so much for sharing your views about this topic with me Green, you always, always have something interesting to add to our debates. It pleases me a lot to hear you found this post easy-to-read, it encourages me to write more content under this style.

Have a wonderful, blessed Saturday :*
All the best.

I'm enroute from another state. I'm reading this reply with a smile on my face. Yeah, you make psychology seem easy :)

❤ Have a good journey Green :)

@abigail-dantes

I cannot agree more! In bid to "belong" and be approved by peer group and contemporary attractions, narcissists can do anything to get recognition and be admired...

With regard to social media, personally, I see this mechanism as an explanation to why so many individuals lose their authenticity, their true-selves; as a dear follower of mine pointed out “ ... they will do anything to be more attractive, cool and badass” 4. And here I go again: all in order to meet an instinctual drive for being approved by others, and consequently meet a deep-rooted need of belonging.

This post says it all. Regards

@sciencetech
STEM contributor

I suppose that social media is, after all, a quick, simplistic way to obtain attention. But, we should never jump to conclusions and start labeling people as narcissists :)

Thank you for taking the time and read and comment once again @sciencetech.
Have a wonderful day.

Aristotle said that humans are a zoon politikon (social/civic animal).

We are hypersocial animals, and some genes in dogs (as opposed to wolves, who don't have those alleles) and humans seem to be working in the same way in us and in them, which might explain why we find each other's company so nice :)

On chromosome six in particular, investigators have found three genes that code for hyper-sociability—and they are in the same spot as similar genes linked to similar sweetness in humans.

Goffman would agree that how we appear to others dictates a lot of our behavior.

Just yesterday I was walking down the promenade and I was struck by the image of a very young girl taking pics, under parental instruction, of her young looks-conscious mom who was posing in a sexy manner on decorative rocks. That struck me as vain and very stereotypical of our current culture. Instead of enjoying her walk with her daughter, she's thinking of the uploading she's going to be doing once she gets home, and imparting these same values to her kid.

The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life was a tough read, I found; but, so worth it! I read it 3 years ago, still have the notes I made from it.

Ah! The scenario you described here of the mother and her daughter depicts so well what society is all about at the moment. I sometimes ask myself if this will ever change. If, the line divides what is private and public will ever become well defined once again; and if people will refrain from the need of sharing their every little thing!

Thank you so much for adding Aristotle’s conclusions to this debate as well as the study! I appreciate it very much 😊❤️

Take care Alexander.
Ps: I already have Lady Macbeth. Next, just allocate a couple of hours to watch it! 😃

@abigail-dantes, great post! Unfortunately, there's so much pressure to be what society deems acceptable and so much of that comes from social media and the media in general.

So when the great author Napoleon Hill says, "Deliberately seek the company of people who influence you to think and act for yourself", I take that to also mean to disassociate yourself from that which doesn't influence you to think and act for yourself.

And, that could mean disassociating from social media if need be in order to rediscover the awesomeness one already is.

Love ya sissy! 😁

"Deliberately seek the company of people who influence you to think and act for yourself"

What a great quote this is my dear @karencarrens :) Thank you for sharing it here with us. Glad to hear you liked this article. You are always so encouraging and that is why I think I love you more 😘

once again pleased to greet you aby friend and as always your quality post. Depending on the degree of self-esteem that a person possesses is the degree of success that you will have in your life. if we always wait for the approval of other people to make decisions .. WE WILL BE WRONG.
Each one has the strength and capacity to analyze and make our own decisions about what we say, think or execute.
happy weekend. God bless you :))

Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me once again my dear @rosnely. Have a wonderful week!! :*