Ever find yourself emotionally intertwined in a person that has made you question everything you thought you knew about relationships?

You may be in the middle of what will probably be a mind-blowing, emotionally detrimental break-up that I like to call * “The Narcissistic Tornado of Love and Death.” *

That may sound extreme, and even makes me chuckle, but if you are in the beginning, middle or end of it, you know what I am talking about.

It seems that everyone is on the bandwagon of what it is like to be the victim of something: childhood abuse, trauma from a bad relationship, or simply a victim of their own way to cope in a pervasive society that worships capitalism, sex, violence and tends to be a bit overzealous about religion.

How could you not be a victim, and everyone is at one time or another, right?

Yet, this type of victimization will be nothing like you have gone through before because you will be questioning everything, at every turn, and wondering if the person doing it to you is truly the victim themselves.
(Hint, hint: this is what they want you to believe, the very crux of what keeps you there.)

There are 3 main phases: The Chase, Catch and Release, but we have to talk about the reasons, how and why they are the narcissists they’ve become today.

Narcissism starts in early adulthood. Usually beginning with someone being neglected in a relationship, emotionally or physically abused, degraded and in most cases these are men.

When men are abused it damages their sensitive ego.
When women are abused it effects their heart.
To cope with this emotionally, men compensate with disregarding others feelings,usually reflected on the opposite sex.

The untreated narcissists don't CARE what anyone thinks or says, but in an unhealthy way, not in a "I have boundaries" way. Only a SMALL portion of the narcissists will seek help because they honestly don’t think there is anything wrong with them. The mentality there is “fuck you, this is the way I am. “
We ALL have faults, we’ve ALL made mistakes but this B-personality man, can occasionally admit to these but are usually too proud to say that there’s an unhealthy pattern of behavior they adapted.

If you’ve been affected by this B-type personality man, narcissistic, psychopath, sociopath, you’ll learn very quickly that YOU’RE the one to blame for any disagreement in this “relationship”. It’s a hard thing to backtrack and realize that not ONE person can cause an argument. It takes two people. This type have mastered the role of playing the victim. To a point where you are the one to blame because you have an issue with something and that’s “just the way...” they are.

1 Traits

Inflated ego, obsessive self-interest and selfish goals, manipulating, victimizing themselves by placing blame on anyone but themselves and withholding.
Troubling thoughts of self-doubt are replaced by illusions of grandeur.
Negative emotions of “not deserving” are buried by a strong sense of entitlement.
Characteristics and behaviors viewed as unattractive or unacceptable are quickly projected onto others (“I'm not insecure you're the one who's insecure!”)
Fears of unsuccessful ventures and refusal are replaced by projecting fantastic stories of successes, whether it relates to money, possessions or the controlling or dominating others. Accompanied by being the object of others envy, even worship.
Thoughts of being inadequate, guilt and refusal are supplemented by a fantastic, false demeanor of arrogance, heightened self love, self-righteousness, and boastful superiority.

#2 Collecting Memories
We all have memories we like to share with people to give them a better sense of ourselves in the beginning of a relationship. The narcissist has a collection.
This collection will consist of him, stories of him, staring himself and directed by himself.
Tales of victimization, where he was wronged or cheated by another person.

#3 The Man with a Plan
To regain his ego, there has to be a reason HE walked away. Take into account that this person is a MASTER at finding the weak, emotionally broken, unavailable, married or a woman currently involved with someone. Thus, giving a quick escape with a more than valid reason. Again, NOT his fault. SHE had problems, SHE was married, SHE was “too much...”
You’re merely someone that can help them in their forever quest to gain more and more evidence of their superiority.

#4 The Chase, Catch and Inevitable ...Release
The narcissist LOVES a good chase. To the point where it even becomes a game.
They objectify women as a source of validation. A validation of their masculinity. There’s usually a behavioral pattern, a habit, to the chase. Not always but usually requiring a “one up” from the previous “relationship” and/or challenge. Also to bury the previous emotions that were brought up with the woman HE (most likely) recentlyleft behind.

Every relationship has to be better than the most recent. It has to “one up” the previous relationship to get the high. Just like a junkie needs to hit more of their drug of choice to reach that point of Ecstasy, the narcissist needs a bigger challenge, a tougher target to bring down.

#5 The Catch: He’s Caught You
He has learned to say all the right things, act a specific way, do certain things, all to get what he wants. Usually, sex. What better way to validate his masculinity?
He wants to be wanted on his terms, his ego stroked.
First he places you on a pedestal emotionally, which is how he got you where he wanted you. In bed, on his arm, pawing and readily available at his beckon call,
You’re caught.

#6 The Inevitable Release
You’re here, on this pedestal, on a never ending high. Then he “pulls back.”
Once the initial chase is over, he will lose interest. You’ve already validated, stroked and literally, bent over for him. What else is there to do? The pull back is his last ditch chance to see you scramble for more, will you be worth the effort?

That pretty pedestal he had you on is ripped away, leaving you questioning where it is you stand. Here’s the tricky part, the narcissist is a very touchy person.
There’s a fine line between NOT trying enough for his attention and trying TOO much.
This man goes from bed, to bed, to bed and sex becomes a way to unwind, simply a release.

On the surface they’re making it out to be so much more, in order for you (the woman) to be completely comfortable and pour yourself into this level of intimacy.
Naturally, this type of person can hit it and quit it with a clear conscience but what’s the fun in that?
They NEED that woman to stumble, lose control and fall for him in order to be satisfied.

This is how the “too much” woman is created. The pedestal is suddenly taken away, the security she thought was once offered unconditionally, has vanished.
Naturally, all rationality is put on the back burner and the claws come out.
”Why? When? How did this happen? Give me back the pedestal! It was comfy!”

Welcome to “clingy girlfriend, insecure, too much ..” zone. Men wonder why this happens?Well, now you know.

#7 The Breaking Up
(Here’s the long one...)
Don’t get me wrong, not ALL men are narcissistic. I can honestly say that I’ve never been quite so professionally “ghosted” in all my life. That’s what they do. If he feels, well... FEELS anything close to love, It’s scary. It’s unknown. You’ve gotten too close and have started to get a glimpse of who and what he’s really about. Then you become a reminder of all the things he fears.

Again, this “break-up” will be the most exaggerated and most exhausting chore you’ll ever encounter. More than likely he’s already setting up dates with other women while you’re still questioning “what the HELL did I get myself into?”

If you’re still dumb enough to keep in contact with this narcissist, be ready to cry and doubt yourself on every level. He’s good at this because he’s been here countless times and you, you are used to the mutual pain, mutual loss and understanding that you’re not alone in the breakup. Well sister, Not this time! You’re so very, very alone in the loss. It’s beyond one-sided.

“How can you do this? You said you’d never leave me, that you’d marry me and wanted me to have my children.”Yeah, he did, but pointing out any flaws he might have or simply suggesting he MIGHT have done something “wrong”. Will compel him to dish out some of the most venomous, verbal attacks that will leave you gasping.

The exploitation, painful words and threats, are simply a side effect of their primary need to feel more important and better than others and to feel “good enough.”
The “stinging” backlash is a defense mechanism from years of practice. A narcissists lack of empathy to those around them can at times be nothing less than astonishing.

The highs and lows during the breakup period would give even the strongest, most level headed woman emotional whiplash. Their arguments and justification will be obscure at best, and flat-out contradictory at worst.

And finally, the long awaited:

#8. The Recovery

No question about it, you deserve a mental at this point. Making it out alive with what’s left of your sanity, is no easy task.

Once you put to rest the appallingly offensive words and lies the narcissist has fed you, you should be able to start the process of emotionally detaching from them. By this I mean to shield yourself from their relational insensitivities or sadism. No longer reacting to them, let their words pass over you. Then you’ll begin to protect yourself from their toxicity, manipulation and exploitive ways. This is also a good time to take metal notes of your self worth.

Last but not least, you’ll need to take this experience and grow from it by becoming the sole judge of yourself. Do this with patience and more compassion, understanding, and acceptance than the pathological narcissist ever could. Always remember that how they treat you says far more about them than it does you.

Thanks for reading !

Book references:

‘The psychopath next-door’ by Martha Stout, Ph.d.
‘ The Narcissist You Know’ by John Burgo, Ph.d.
‘Psychopath Free’ by Jackson Mackenzie

Much Love,
Elise