Ennui and acceleration

I have been depressed at many points in my life, some bouts have been longer and deeper than others. I make it through because I know that I made it through in the past, that I experienced joy, happiness, felt like things were heading in the right direction and pretty damn good in the meantime.

I feel myself falling into a depression again. I feel as though I’m driving straight toward it because none of the exits seem appealing. I feel they will only lead to disappointment and more emptiness which will take me into an even deeper depression. I feel like it’s taking hold of me as well, tentacles slowly pulling me down like killer roots of a plant.

I need to pick some things to go after simultaneously. I need to pick to explore, I need to DO. I’m sitting right now....

I need a social life as well. I presently have zero. And it’s letting the bad thoughts run wild.

The question is how to create a social life in suburban Ohio in your mid forties, when you don’t even plan to dig in and build a life here, and you don’t act like you’re in your forties.... And how to convince myself that these thoughts are phantoms.

I’m still drinking. I suspect it’s contributing to the bad neuropeptides flowing through my body. I plan to stay away from alcohol today. We’ll see how that goes. Going t to the bar at the fancy grocery store down the street around 3 pm everyday makes me feel like I’m doing something. It’s SOMETHING to do. The beer is fancy and ridiculously cheap, the environment is quiet and non-bar like, so it strangely doesn’t feel as sad... but it is. ...The excuse I would use today is that football is on tonight, the first Monday Night of the season, I’ll want to watch football and it’s nice to have beer with football, so I may as well go to the fancy grocery store and have a really good beer for a really good price... blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda...

It feels like relief going there, and I don’t feel complete until I order and have at least one (Very strong) beer which often ends up as two of those beers and often ends in me getting more beer so that I drink dat least six beers that average 8% ABV....Fuck.

I’ve been working out for the past month. I must have less fat and more muscle by now but I weigh a half pound more. Beer doesn’t help that.

I’ve been learning about AI through YouTube videos... not enough to know if its something I’d like to pursue asa a career.
I’ve been fantasizing about moving in with an old friend in L.A. and REALLY DOING IT this time, like for real, the second chance, going for my dream, actually doing stand up and promoting myself.... And then I remind myself of the unlikiliness of that happening.

I don’t feel driven toward anything.

I was stressed when I was in school, but I wasn’t depressed, I had something I was working toward, there was a pot of gold up ahead. I couldn’t wait for it to be over.

I feel like I’m a waste of potential.

I’m typing this journal entry here and putting it online because.... why? It feels more like I’m putting these thoughts out into reality even though I’m confident that no one will ever read this? partly. Partly because I hope it’s a way to keep the thoughts preserved, in a place I can revisit them later. I don’t know? Will I even post it?
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It’s two days later. I did not do well with alcohol. I had two strong beeers on Monday afternoon and Three yesterday. My excuse yesterday was so that I could fall asleep early. It was a complete waste of a day. The only thing I did was watch GLOW on Netflix and get sad about life. I was awakened at 4 in the morning by my mom on the phone downstairs. My aunt was going to the hospital thinking she was having a heart attack. I haven’t seen the aunt in years and don’t want to.

So I was up, tired and couldn’t fall back asleep all day. I just wanted a nap. I felt out of sorts in a sleep deprived way. I took a benedryl in the afternoon but that didn’t work. I didn’t work out because I was too tired. Finally after drinking the three strong beers I went out and tried to run. My cardiovascular system didn’t want to cooperate. I made myself run for four thirty second spurts with minute or so breaks in between.

I woke up with sore left lower latissimus dorsi muscles. As is par for the course lately, I woke up feeling like shit, depressed, despondent. I made myself do some yoga. I struggled to get through the first twenty minute section of it.

I wanted to give up. I lay on my matt, collapsed and out of breath, my body crying out, my heart demanding more O2 distribution. I went it a kind of child’s pose, waves of those agonizing feelings I get after a challenging asana, the ones that make me wonder why anyone has ever called yoga relaxing.

I thought of times I’ve given up in the past, when the going got rough, when I had a good enough excuse to myself- I just can’t do it. A specific time from when I was fourteen flashed in my mind. I’d been working out with the high school football team at the voluntary summer practices. No one in the high school knew me. It was the right thing to do. I was the only incoming freshman there. On the third day, I couldn’t make it through the end of conditioning practice and walked off to catch my breath outstide the building.

I always remember that day. Older players even came up to me at the end and introduced themselves to me, gave me encouragement... But I was so embarrassed that I stopped going. We have a handful of days in our lives like that, days that led us down a weaker path.

Laying there on my yoga matt, that memory sickened me. I recognized that same just give up feeling. I stopped the yoga video and caught my breath for a few seconds, rewound it and went at it again. After another pose, I collapsed again, caught my breath and made myself keep going. On the third time, I went back into that sort of child’s pose and started sobbing without tears. I felt so disappointed with the grit I’ve failed to display in life, but I just couldn’t get myself to continue.

So I’m here in a coffee shop a couple hours later, recounting the tale of giving up. I’m thinking of something James Dyson said in an interview. He used to run cross country. He realized that the point at which he was getting tired and wanted to stop was likely the same point that the others wanted to give up as well. Therefore, when you reach that point you should know that it’s exactly the time you should accelerate.

Acceleration when I’m down because I’m about to break through to another level is what I need to keep in mind.