When recovery from depression is only the first step

Hi Steemit,

Things have been pretty rough goings lately.

Depression has always been one of the biggest actors in my life. I remember feeling empty and hollow from a very young age, starting the cycle of self harm when I was still in single digits.

I’ve always gone through cycles of depression. Just tie myself to the mast and weather it out. It’s easier now that I also have the benefit of prescription medication, though nothing really makes things less grey. For almost a year now, I’ve felt grey. It feels like my life is on the other side of a dirty, foggy piece of glass.

It’s affected my relationships, even those that I’ve entered since the advent of this latest episode. I’ve become codependent, needy, and terrified of going out and meeting new people. I would prefer to rot in my house most days. Thankfully my people haven’t given up on me, but it’s also hard to save a drowning person when they won’t grab ahold of the rope.

I’ve recently gotten back into therapy. This has been good for me. I also had a huge wake up call recently that made me realize exactly how complacent I’d become in my isolated depression pit. It hurt so badly. I felt like I’d let everyone that cared about me down. I began to spiral into the cycle of self-hate, right on schedule but this time, I had a moment of clarity. Maybe it was the therapy. Or maybe the upped dosage of my meds. Maybe my loved ones were able to break through for once.

Either way, I’ve started digging and clawing my way out of the hole. I’m talking to new people. I have social outings planned. I even worked with a partner to develop healthier coping mechanisms so that our relationship could flourish more healthily again. But this is only the beginning. Because even though the fog is lifting, my insecurities, my anxieties, and my flaws are still there. It will be a long time before I recover from this. The impact this episode has had on my life has left ripples, and I’m not quite sure how far out they will reach yet.

I’m scared shitless. I feel raw and peeled and uncertain. It’s terrifying to leave the cottony comfort of a depressive episode. I can’t be numb anymore. It’s time to become a person again. Thank god I don’t have to do this alone.

Love always,
T