10 Things That Make Me Want to Turn to the Dark Side

Many of my friends and fans ask me all the time, "why don't you just turn to the dark side already?"

They talk about the finger lightning, strip clubs and Fox News' favorable media coverage.

Well, none of those things entice me, but I thought I'd share a few things that have made me strongly consider the dark side.

10. Babies with snot on their face

Seriously, can you not see the snot on your kid's face? Do you not care? Can you at least wipe the spinach-flavored baby food off their chin? It's been there allllll dayyyy!

9. Taco Bell screwing up my order

I told you 23 times that I didn't want shredded lettuce! Why?!?!

8. Fedoras

Do I really need to explain this one? You know you look like a douche right?

7. Sweet Potato Fries

Was a regular potato not good enough? You had to find an orange mushy disgusting one?

6. Literally

You literally almost died? It's literally 1000 degrees outside? How about I literally poke you in the eye with my lightsaber?

5. Whole wheat bread

Because why would I want to eat sawdust-flavored bread with birdseed on top?

4. Jar Jar Binks

My father @lordvader's greatest failing was not killing this annoying waste of screen time.

3. Slow jazz

The bane of every elevator ride. I don't understand who thought anyone would want to listen to a slow piano version of "My heart will go on" for 23 floors.

2. Waffle House

When my friend Jose the Mexican Jedi calls in the middle of the day and asks if I want to eat lunch at Waffle House, I can feel the lightning forming on my fingertips. Eating at Waffle house after a long night of peyote and Jager bombs is one thing, but eating this indigestion-in-a-yellow-box in the middle of the day is just sad.

1. White girl coffee orders

Sure Meredith, everyone else in line will wait while you order your triple mocha pumpkin spice abominationccino with soy milk. I hate you.