mania on Mother's Day

My little guy was having a bad day yesterday. He was melting down over every little thing that didn't go his way. Being two and a half and not seeing your cousins and not being able to go to the park and not being able to touch people has got to be confusing. He knows people are wearing masks because "some people are sick" and we "wear a mask so we don't get sick", but he hasn't been able to make the connect. Some days he's just sad and yesterday, he hit the roof. It was one of the hardest days of being a mom I can remember. I'm lonely too. Being single has ups and downs but a solo Mother's Day, not sharing that special day with my mom and sister, was sad. After the boy went to sleep, I cried a bit. My friend Monica had some cigarettes delivered to me. I chain smoked probably five on the porch in the rain before going inside and picking up the remnants of a crazy day. We played with cardboard boxes and styrofoam and blocks and cars and pretty much exploded the living room area. He woke in the night screaming, which was terrible and it took a half hour just to calm him down. I don't know why that has been happening either. Like he's waking up terrified of something. So my heart hurts a little today. The stay at home order is definitely wearing me down emotionally. The gray and cold doesn't help. This is supposedly the last of the coldness though. Just in time too. I just picked up hot crops from Keep Growing Detroit, a local garden resource program. Tomorrow the boy and I will farm food and heal ourselves from being shut in. I will document the progress.