What is Your Relationship with the Rules

Are you feeling trapped? Are you in a stale or stifling personal life situation?

In any relationship, whether it be with a group or with an individual there are a set of rules, mostly unspoken, about who you are and how “it” goes.

Very often, the rules are creating a “one up, one down” dynamic. Being “one up” helps me feel safe and powerful (though it is really control) and being “one down” makes me feel trapped.

My clients are always shocked to find out the what the real truth is about “the rules”; that everyone is playing by their own.

There are situations where we simply don’t have any power and are forced to comply or suffer consequences; work, school, at home for kids. You get the idea. I’m not talking about those situations, although what I am talking about will help you in those situations.

A real relationship is where both parties are equal. Not every situation is going to allow for this. But the ones where you are voluntarily participating (marriages, family, friends) need to be or you will feel very frustrated, unfulfilled…trapped.

Most often, relationship dynamics are driven by one person trying impose their rules on the other. The justification for those rules is usually that they are right. My question is for whom?

Those rules are typically a passive aggressive means to control. It gets a lot worse when those rules are justified religiously. The false righteousness of rules and standards born of religion bring guilt and shame that are very psychologically difficult to overcome. I have seen people remain under that sort of oppression for decades.

But what do we do? First, we must get very clear on what is happening and how it is happening. Secondly, we must begin to communicate with the other about what we are experiencing and what we are going to do. Not threats, just simply what we are going to do.

Though it sounds simple, those two first steps can feel like an earthquake is taking place within. What you are embarking on is revolution in the way you live. You are breaking all the old rules and trying to establish new, healthier ways to be.

Are you in a relationship and being manipulated and controlled? Most likely you feel trapped and hopeless about it. It is probably causing you to hate the person that you really love or at least did at one point.

Breaking these patterns is scary and complicated. It might take a long time and it might never happen. Though, every situation is different the process of becoming clear about what is happening is the same.