Less Talk, More Action

Image by Photo Mix from Pixabay

Those of you who have read my articles know that I am always talking about the importance of good communication, urging better communication, and the skills to be better understood. Communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship; positive and negative. However, the conversation is not necessarily communication; And there are a lot of non-verbal ways of communicating.
Most of my clients waste a lot of time and energy and develop resentment by making big announcements about things like "if you don't start picking up your clothes, I'm going to send them to Good Will" "if you won't help me, I'll do it myself "If I ever catch you cheating, I'll leave "or the classic," We'll have to go to counseling. "
I'm all for good communication, but if you've tried to communicate, and it's not working, it's time to adopt the Nike slogan and "Just Do It".
My dear Richard loves to tell this story of his parents: his mother said to his father "Wouldn't it be nice to have this wall removed and the living room enlarged?" His father simply agreed to grunt in a way. When he came back home the next day working on the farm, he had taken a hammer and made a big hole in the wall, which meant that they would have to finish the work.
Richard likes to laugh about it because it shows what his mother was a dynamo, and would do whatever he needed to do. He also says that he is careful what he says "yes" because he knows that I am going to follow up on that.
Crying, complaining, taunting, and making lewd comments are not the same as asking for what you want. Shouting, patting, angry tantrums and hissing is also not effective communication. If you feel that your partner will not or cannot work with you, then these techniques are useless, and usually make the problem worse. Fighting repeatedly about something is an excellent sign that you are not communicating effectively.
There is an effective technique/skill that will work in these situations: Ask directly for what you want; Then, if you can't find any support, you can bypass all conflict, trouble, and debate: stop talking about it and solve the problem.
This is probably the most powerful incentive for your partner to get involved and agree to negotiate, as he or she does not become part of the solution, and loses the power to stop or stop you. It's not done in the sense of "Well, you won't negotiate, so I'll show you", but "I understand that you don't want to discuss it, so I have to resolve it" for me, as much as it is As good as possible. I'll be available when you're ready to collaborate and negotiate. "I've written about it before, as a technique called" solve it for yourself. "The emphasis here is on it. Don't talk; just solve it for yourself.

This approach has several benefits:

• It is liberating to express yourself on your behalf and feel that you do not need your partner's involvement to be satisfied, yet you do not even need to shut him down or be ruthless.
• You no longer have the problem you were worried about.
• You can still have a good, loving relationship, because you have locked up to your partner (the option to have a conversation is always open) and you are not feeling frustrated, angry, and deprived.
• It removes pressure on your partner and increases the likelihood that he or she will relax and become less defensive and more interested.
• This prevents you from being helpless and frustrated, so you are more able to welcome your partner when they offer you support.
The key to solving the problem rather than talking repeatedly is the belief that there is a satisfactory solution. Taking care of your partner's needs and needs (as well as your own) is central to cooperation, but you cannot effectively meet your partner's needs without their help. When your partner refuses to help you solve the problem, you have no choice but to focus on doing it alone until you have the cooperation. As long as you provide every opportunity to collaborate and you invite your partner to join whenever they want, you are free to focus your attention on solving the problem for yourself. If you try to please your partner at your expense, there is no chance for both of you to be satisfied. Once you try to cooperate without getting support, the best solution is an act that puts you in control of your well-being and separates you from the effects of your partner's resistance.
The following steps ensure that you can ensure that you have given your partner ample opportunity to cooperate and that you are not over-reacting.

Guidelines to solve it yourself

1. Make sure that you have made every effort to negotiate. Unless you make an honest effort to engage your partner in the conversation, don't go to solve it for yourself — not just the fight.
2. Tell your partner what you are doing. Explain clearly that you have tried to negotiate the problem, that your assessment is that your partner does not want to work on it, that you would like to work on it together, but you have decided that you What are you going to do on your own? You may want to say that you are unhappy by doing this, and you are protecting what is good about the relationship. It is very important to be able to do it calmly and definitely.
3. Invite your partner to interact at any time. Say that you are going to follow your solution, but you are ready to discuss it at any time. This is your open invitation to chat, which prevents it from becoming a power play
4. Communicate your goodwill. Tell your partner that you value him and the partnership, and you don't like to make unilateral decisions, but you feel that you don't have a choice because your partner won't work on it with you.
5. Make sure your solution solves the problem for you, even if you feel that your partner may not like it. If the solution works for both of you, then the problem is resolved, and no further discussion is required. If your partner is not satisfied with your solution, he or she has already been invited to chat, and staying outside is a powerful incentive. To get a different perspective, imagine what you would do about the problem if your partner was not part of it. What would you do if your best friend were involved? Considering a relationship problem from a person's convenience point of view often indicates places where you are becoming unnecessarily dependent.

Hopefully, you will rarely need to solve a problem without the support of your partner, but knowing that you can solve the problem for yourself and still leave the door open for your partner to participate, means that you can remain calm and gentle in the face of a partner's reluctance to cooperate. . You do not need to wait for a reluctant partner to do this to you, as long as you tell your partner in advance what you are doing.
It will definitely be better for your relationship than being frustrated, angry, and taking advantage of it. These skills create an atmosphere of cooperation between people and lead to dialogue that satisfies everyone involved.