If King Henry the VIII Wasn't Just A Dick.

Maybe they should have learned to communicate better. Perhaps IF Henry wasn’t oh so patriarchal.

#fuckthepatriarchy
#satirepleasepeople

Dear King Henry the VIII,

There is something I must get off my vulnerable chest.

I think it’s because there is an element of truth for me of this —
that I feel like can also apply to you.

I love us (friends, colleagues, KING AND QUEEN— platonic/friendship “us”). I adore the bond I will always share with you. I have done things that have hurt your feelings, I am sure. You have done things to hurt mine, yes. You have chosen to forgive me, and I have chosen to forgive you. There are many many many things we have in common. Some of the things that united us as once Catholic lovers have allowed us to endure and to have deep conversations. We share a known common strength, a common belief system. And of course, we share our love for our dear and lovely Elizabeth.

Let’s learn to rule together.

You have challenged me, deeply. I absolutely love that. You challenged my way of thought. You challenged and shaped my beliefs on certain things. You planted seeds, you planted hope, you inspired a tiny bonsai to repot herself as motherfucking queen.

#queen
#queenbee

So when I tell you this. Know that I am ripping pages from my diary and my heart — I do this to be right with you.

To be right before God.
To be right before myself.
Because ultimately, big picture
— people grow.

I know you are gay.
I too am bisexual, baby.

I’ve known it since we met.
Andbyfuckinggodhenry
I’d chop off my own neck if I wasn’t right.

Charlie* this oh and Charlie that. It’s ad nauseam. I am exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted Harry.**

Just let me be. Look we can rule together.
I know about all your ‘free love’ nonsense. I know about all your friends. Let us take the throne together and rule the nation we want to write about in the history books — thatwewillpushonalltheschoolchildren. Let’s make England great again, Harry.

#MakeEnglandGreatAgain
#TeamQueenAnne

Look keep your boys. I’ll take whoever I want. And we will rule the world. I am not mad. I am not upset— I just really needed to qualify this before I rip into the fucking Duke of Suffolk.

He’s just not good for you baby! I mean seriously, it’s heart wrenching. Look, I get why you all initially attracted to one another. I get it! I see it! You both are a ton alike.

And when I saw him —
yelling at you like that?
Getting heated like that?

Yellingatyoulikethat.
ohhowpassionate.

Demanding of you like that?

Come on.
Let him go.

I mean I get it, you want to make up. You want to get back together with him. You want him to understand your point of view. You want him to see how you’ve changed and grew and suffered. You want to see him adapt and change in a similar way.

Darling, let the man go!

Remember the saying that my sister, Mary***, used to whisper in your ear... right before you came into her, “if you love something, let it go; if it was meant to be, it will it return.”

I hope you will understand that I will never tell your secret. As long as we can rule together; I believe in equality dammit.

However, consider yourself blackmailed.

Your Queen,
Anne Boleyn

May she live 10,000 years
She does not poop.
...wait, no — that’s Kim Jong-un

*Fun Fact: Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk and Anne Boleyn hated each other. Nearly a thousand years of beef.

**Fun fact Why was Henry VIII called Harry? The name Henry derives from the Old French name Henri, and over time (during the medieval period) the English version – Harry – started to be used over here. Most monarchs called Henry were referred to by those who knew them as Harry, including Henry VIII. ... So that's why Henry has just remained an 'official' title.

***Fun Fact — Henry VIII hooked up with (that means had sex with...) Mary Boleyn.

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