Could this be schizophrenia?

proxy.jpegFirst I want to start out by saying that L is nothing new to me, I had been experimenting with this chemical for nearly 4 months. Only ever having a hard time on 1 of those trips. But on my last (and probably final) trip, I felt like I had collapsed reality in on itself. During the trip it felt as though everything and everyone was literally the same thing. Like a sort of hive mind. Not only that, but it seemed as though every moment I felt was predestined, and nothing in this world means a damn thing, nothing except the decisions and choices you make. I was living in a realm of complete and utter synchronicity. Every little thing from my phone ringing, to the music on the radio, to the position of the sun was all in tune and trying to communicate with me, trying to warn me. This sounds like a wonderful experience to be had, but there is a dark side to it. It felt as though I learned to much, and now there was no going back. Not only that, but I could immediately recognize the faults in the actions I have chosen, and any attempt to rectify those actions was futile, because the core of my very being had become corrupted. This synchronistic sensation became so overwhelming, that I had to go the ER in hopes they would administer some sort of anti-psychotic or Benzo to ease the mental strain. I called a cab to take me to the local hospital, and it felt as though the cab driver knew, the other passenger knew, and the things they were saying to each-other, it was like they were talking about me in a way that they thought would go over my head.

I think its important to mention that at this point there was a fear growing inside of me, a fear that told me my soul was going to put into a sort of cosmic "meat grinder" which acts a the most primitive form of energy production in the universe, the machine is fed unworthy souls, and they are tortured in the most obscene ways imaginable by psychopathic entities for the production of crude energy. I know this sounds insane, but it was so real at that time and it is very hard to describe.

Now It's also important to mention that there was a sort of duality taking place in my mind, i have coined it "Mothers Love Vs Fathers Truth". I would experience intervals of emotional anguish, and relief. I felt as though when I was suffering through "Fathers Truth" I was writhing in the grinder machine, and in a sense serving out a cosmic jail sentence, every moment is anguish and fear, but at least every moment brings you closer to release. Now when my mind switched to a sense of relief "Mothers Love" the mental strain was gone for the most part and i felt like I was coming back to reality, but on the same token a sense of dread would build up, knowing that this is only temporary and that i was only prolonging the inevitable, and knowing the pain would return, built up an anxiety within me that was almost on par with the physical pain felt with "fathers truth". Basically, ignorance is bliss over discovering the truth.

This duality kept going on for several hours, until I finally came back, and my mind the fear began to subside. But that experience was so powerful, that now I feel as though everything that permeates into this reality is a figment of my imagination, and my subconscious mind is literally making it up as i go. Everyone and everything i've ever know is fake, and acting together as one hive mind.

Ever since that trip, when I smoke a little to much herb, that feeling comes back, the collapsing in of reality and the collection of the hive mind to hunt me down and stick me in the grinder.

Is this schizophrenia? Or is this the delusions of a child who watched one to many conspiracies videos growing up? Doesn't matter, because nobody can ever convince me, you are all the hive...

So I guess my real question is, has anybody else experienced this? Constant synchronicity followed by the very fabric of reality trying to capture and destroy you??
Thanks for reading!

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