Hello Steemit community,

As many of you are well aware vaccines are a contentious issue — especially on this platform — but there are yet more unknown, and SHOCKING industrial secrets I would like to inform you about because I am the paragon of virtue itself: Vaccines cause adults!

Now you may be saying,

"But Wizard, O conjurer of microbes, I thought vaccines were invented by nefarious government scientists to kill babies and implement population control for the reptilian overlords!"

And if you subscribe to the ideology of the epistemologically impaired you would be correct! But wait, there's MORE SECRETS TO BE REVEALED IN A FASHION THAT SOUNDS REMARKABLY LIKE CLICKBAIT, for which I will let the data speak for itself, along with a descriptive figure heading to speak for the data.

SHOCKING RESULTS SHOW STRONG STATISTICAL AGREEMENT (p<0.0001) BETWEEN AUTISM AND ORGANIC FOOD SALES!

As you can clearly see from the graph, and the extremely strong statistical agreement, organic food CAUSES autism! You can't argue with statistics — it's science — which we will appeal to so long as it supports our preferred narrative. Numbers don't lie; they're incapable of it! In fact, lying was invented by the government to convince you to pay taxes. Outrageous!

But that's not all! The next revelation may shock you!

Autism causes vaccines!

Here is the undeniable proof — straight from the internet!

(Picture courtesy of SMBC comics)

That's right! Since people on the autism spectrum are over-represented in research science — the same science that you know cannot be trusted unless it supports your confirmation bias specifically — it can be logically concluded that autism causes vaccines, and not the other way around! Furthermore, since scientists frequently rely on government grants to fund their research, we can conclude that their results will always be flawed, evil and of course swayed by the shills of Big Bad Pharma; even if the research has nothing to do with pharmaceuticals!

So, what have we learned so far?

1.) Vaccines cause adults

2.) Organic food causes autism

3.) Autism causes vaccines

4.) Scientists cannot be trusted

Gee whiz, this is quite the conundrum we find ourselves in! Since vaccines lead to adults, and adults lead to purchases of organic food, which statistically (and infallibly, might I add) lead to autism, what should we do?! Should we ban vaccines to stem the flow of adults? Should we ban organic food to keep autism off the streets and thereby circumvent vaccines from creating more adults? Oh, dear! This is quite the Catch-22 without obvious resolution!

But wait, perhaps the resolution is this:

If you think having a child with autism is worse than them contracting horrific and preventable diseases than you need to stop pretending your concerns are morally and ethically justified.

Let's shift gears, shall we?

Scientists, and particularly immunologists, toil away at thankless jobs to improve the quality of life for humanity and get shit on by those who cannot properly interpret graphs, data sets, or quality of a study — all while simultaneously being ridiculed about their intelligence and alleged gullibility for agreeing with scientific consensus. Additionally, without the STEM communities that are the subject of such conspiratorial condemnation, these groups would not have a platform spout their misinformation from. Let that sink in for a minute: People are bitching about science and technology from a platform founded and made available by science and technology. Damn internet and absence of disease!

This may seem a bit harsh, but I know what it's like to be part of the anti-vaccine community — as I once supported it under false pretense that it was sound information, and that the purveyors had my best interests at heart. Really those selling the information at the higher levels were just selling supplements, DVDs, seminars, or simply generating a social influence from the self-validating ideological circle-jerk of highly impressionable individuals through exploitation of scientific ignorance. Some actually believed it, too; I know I did for a while. It felt so warm and welcoming — people would be so kind if you were agreeable, and with a nebulous villain at the ready it was easy to appeal to a sense of virtue and righteousness. We were going to tell the world the truth! ...Or so we thought. The simplicity was so alluring. When I realized the common vein of flawed conspiratorial thinking that was shared throughout the community which became increasingly absurd, I began to abandon these ideas, and the mentality that came with them.

So, if you are going to comment and "inform" me of your world-shattering information about immunizations with your cherry picked "must see evidence", save it; I have seen it all before, and have no intentions of beating the dead horse again. Just to make that clear: Before you get worked up into a lather and start spamming links or "facts" into the comments, know that I have been through this before is nauseating detail and have little interest in spinning our collective wheels. I mean it when I say I have seen the good, the bad, and the fucking horrific when it comes to the anti-vaccine arguments. I understand how important it must feel to try and get through to people for a cause you feel so morally dignified supporting. I realize that vaccines are not 100% effective — nothing is; I'm not suggesting they are infallible, or that science is. Though, know that science at its core is self-correcting, especially if given adequate time, while conspiracies seem to only become wilder and wilder to justify their own flaws and logical inconsistencies.

It's fucking embarrassing to admit that I fell for such ideas once upon a time, among other things in the quasi-spiritual neo-hippie community, but since I value the truth, here it is: I was wrong, and it was wrong of me to assume others were naive for not appealing to my flawed logic and incomplete picture that I believed to be so complete. I only hope that this can help others realize that it's okay to be wrong and hold fallible ideas dear to you, so long as they do not bring harm to others; but that is the catch — diseases do bring harm to others. Sometimes even deeply seated beliefs and mistrust need to be challenged in order to progress as a person (here come the comments telling me to challenge my own methods and replace them with one's own — glad we had this talk). Getting some background in immunology didn't hurt either. You should try it if you hold strong beliefs on the matter one way or the other; because overwhelming evidence and scientific consensus support the notion that vaccines cause adults, but it's important to know why.

That being said...

...I assure you, measles is more than a sniffle and a rash.

Tired of this bullshit,
— A scientist

P.S.
Since this post addresses conspiracy theorists, here is an obligatory picture of Dale Gribble from King of the Hill.

Thank you for your time.