My thoughts

I just wrote this out and this is my life, read it if you will.

I have been trying to learn chess recently, I don't know why but I thought it would be a good way to improve my mental faculties. It is very hard to do when your short term memory is not so good because in order to look for potential moves which could check mate you, you need to move the pieces around the board in your mind. To be honest I don't even think the grand masters do this everytime, I think that they learn to play instinctively through playing and studying thousands of games.

But I can't beat the computer on level six, I feel like I am Kasparov playing deep blue, apart from he is a Russian chess grand master, arguably the greatest chess player ever playing a super computer and I am a retarded english man playing a chess computer level 5 on my partially mashed up phone with the ability to get suggestions when I am stuck. And then we have Magnus Carlson, a man who can play 10 chess matches blindfolded and win the games (yes look it up if you don't believe me), it makes me think that it is unfair that this Magnus is probably paid around 10,000 times less than a man who can accurately kick a ball of compressed air, also known as a football. This is how my mind travels, I go from being motivated and inspired to realising I am not good enough, or not currently good enough to beat every person on earth at chess, and then I hate myself for around 4 to 5 hours, hopefully I fall asleep and then wake up and drink some tea, then I make a website(my job) and then go from loving what I have designed to in the next minute doubting what I have done and questioning why I was even born, and whether suicide would be a justifiable option.

Because unless I can be the best at chess and destroy all other humans and robots I should just end my existence, and then I look at these thoughts and see the absurdity of them and I then move on to a more culturally sanctioned method of self hatred. Then I sometimes wake up the next day and I feel ok about myself. And these are my thoughts, but then sometimes I remember that we can't compare each other because we are all unique, and then I enter a state of christ consciousness where I feel love in its truest form, and I accept that I am retarded, but then I can be overcome by the fleeting nature of this level of consciousness, and I then I eventually reenter ego consciousness and I once again feel like I am not good enough, so I will then go onto YouTube and use the comment section to write scouring comments to strangers as an attempt to make me feel ok about my mind made self, and the pattern continues, and how brilliant it is