And so here we are.

I’ve got no more excuses to start living the life I want, as this ticking clock is becoming really noisy and it’s awakening the cats.
To be honest I feel overwhelmed by all the things that I am curious about or that I want to do, I feel like there’s no end to them. My boundless curiosity and greed for knowledge is like I heard of oxen running away from a pack of lions or wolves or whatever. But It’s like I am the one who runs runs runs and at the same time I’m the one who Is running after. Small amusing detail: running FROM the oxen there’s also a small stray dog or a gazelle with a broken ankle. You choose, but remember, this is also me.

I’ll need to fix this, to find a pace. To let the lions run to the oxen without reaching them. The oxen of course need to know that the lions are behind, but there is some sort of silent mutual agreement on doing some running together masked as a prey-predator chase (and also wrong-place-wrong-time run for your life situation, as far as the stray dog/broken gazelle goes)

And so, this is my honest step by step walk towards embracing the part of me that I neglected, overrun by the baby who’s voraciously squashing hazelnuts ice cream all over her t-shirt while crying because she likes it so much she can’t slow her pace. If that image doesn’t trigger any reaction in you chances are I am a terrible writer ( not native speaker though, so I may misplace or misspell or missomething) or you are very lucky or I’m very unfortunate. I think in time if I keep up with this the image will explain itself.

I don’t know where this is headed or if I’ll stick to it or if I’m going to like the results.

I just know that when life has no more purpose then you gotta make one or stop fighting, and I’m not the one who stops. If you like, just bear with me, or don’t. I’ll just share thoughts on whatever I think is withholding me from doing what I want.
Well, first thing is that I don’t have A clue about what I really want, but I will eventually get to it I suppose so for now let’s just start with crossing out what I don’t need or what I don’t want.

*Feb292020: I don’t want to feel violated anymore

This is my first time writing something after So many years and I’m actually feeling really scared. Last time I put down some words I wrote about something very deep and personal. I used to write poems, novels, even started a couple of books. I was insatiable, putting my thoughts into word as I grew up was the only thing that kept me from getting sucked by the abyss inside of me. But I was betrayed, and ALL my personal stuff was read thoroughly, dissected and disserted on by one of my next of kin because teenagers don’t deserve any privacy as they may be in trouble. It goes without saying that yes I was troubled but not at all dangerous to me or to others and this was just out of morbid curiosity or control assessment since I have a slightly narcissistic mother. And so I point blank stopped, and from then on I almost feared having a white sheet of paper in front of me. Yes I am talking about regular old school writing with pen and paper, it was the 90s after all. I felt trapped inside of me and still feel, my only venting valve was closed down and sealed. I almost hated my mother for this, but I can’t hate very well.
Mu control over my emotion was stolen from me, and believe me this scarred me so much I feel my chest squashed and a chill trough the spine and stomach as I think of it. But I’m turning the table now and being the master of my sea. By making this public I’m giving myself back the power to choose to express myself without filters in somewhat anonymous environment but at the same time out in the open.

TODAY’S RECAP and lesson learned for when (if) I’m gonna be a parent:

STOP BEING ABUSED IN MY EMOTIONAL SPACE.

let children and teenager express without interfering unless there are serious concerns about their safety. Encourage discussion but let them sort their sht out. *